Journaling {week three}

.In my life this week…
I had the unexpectedly cool opportunity to reconnect with my high school BFF. I never thought it was something that would happen, and it pretty much pushed everything remotely cool out of the way. :) 


Second follow up, on the coolness scale though, would be Pinterest... addictive, but so cool. 

In our homeschool this week…
We went on a field trip to our local Bird's of Prey center. I felt like I learned just as much as Gen, if not more... I totally planned on uploading photos this evening, but it was a packed night and I just didn't get to it... 


Geometry (6th grade) brought us some challenges and we had to wait for Dad to get home and intervene. (Thank God for daddies!) 


Genny wrapped up her language arts curriculum! I am so excited... SO close to being done!

Places we’re going and people we’re seeing…
This weekend we are going to the Farmer's Market and taking my two awesome little nephews (5 & 6) out on a date. I love it when we get quality time with them! Not sure yet, what we will do. The world is our oyster... 
Also, fingers crossed (and rain clouds staying away) that we might make it to the drive in theater... 

My favorite thing this week was…
Easily the sunshine. Even thought it's been a little cooler than I'd like, the sunshine trumps everything! 

What’s working/not working for us…
I've been thinking a lot about next year and a few things we'll have to do differently. We've been in "auto function" mode for a few months, in some areas and now that the school season is almost over- i've been content to keep them that way. Sure enough though, I'll be researching idea to help our routine more. 

Homeschool questions/thoughts I have…
curious as to how much of the summer other moms devote to planning out the following school year? 

A photo, video, link, or quote to share

Sensually Speaking...

There is something about different segments of a moment which trigger different nostalgic reactions. The sound of an airplane overhead, on a clear sunny day triggers long hot Phoenix summer days. I don't know why that one particular thing takes me back there, to those days of childhood summers... In an instant though, I can feel like those afternoons of splashing in my aunt's swimming pool and going to Baskin Robbins after dinner were just yesterday... 

Another thing is the Idaho autumn air. Sometimes it can waft this certain way and I'm back at fourteen... in love... all of those feelings just swirl right up like a pile of crunchy leaves. 

Genny has trickery of the senses as well... 

As a reoccurring pattern for such things, where she is concerned, we've noticed that nostalgia induced memories seldom existed. It's kind of funny, actually. For instance, yesterday afternoon she starts telling me about how the blossoms on this one particular tree reminded her of an afternoon (when we lived in Michigan) where I picked her up from school early so that i could take her to Starbucks and dress shopping. She went into great detail describing to me, not only the afternoon itself but the dress we chose. 

G- Whatever happened to that dress anyway? 

M- Sweetheart, you never had a dress like that. 

G- Yes i did. I did my second grade photos in it, remember? 

M- (showing her the photos from said photo shoot where she is in a peasant top and denim shorts) Nope. 

G- So what did we buy that day then? 

M- That day never happened, Gen. I never pulled you out of school early for Starbucks and shopping. 

G- Maybe it was a dentist appointment then, and I got the D's mixed up? 

M- um, pretty sure i would not pull you out of school to go to Starbucks on the way to a dental appointment. 

G- I don't understand. 

She stood there for a few moments, obviously confused, before a brightness dawned and with immense relief she exclaimed, "OH! It was a dream! I remember now. It was a dress that I was going to wear to a birthday party for some boy I had a crush on, I don't even remember his name. It was at Christmas time, I think." 

M- Then why did the blossoms on the trees remind you? 

G- I probably had a dream in the spring time. 

hmm... 

I tried to counteract, a few minutes later, about how I remembered this one time when I went to New York City with James MacAvoy and how he reached for my hand as we crossed the street but her sweet little twelve year old face spoke up and said, "Is he someone you worked with when you wrote for the movie ads? I remember you going to LA, but you never told me you went to New York too." 

Ah. Nevermind... 

I Scream, You Scream...

Confession: Chw and I have picked up a hobby... 

While we have entertained the thought of ballroom dancing classes and woodworking ventures we settled on a hobby which reaps truly wonderful benefits... 

We've become quite good at ice cream making... Our latest venture was a Blackberry Swirl and it was BY FAR our favorite... SOOOO good! 

Our other deliciousness has included: 

Strawberry Chunk

Vanilla Chocolate Chip

Thin Mints 'n' Cream

Cookies 'n' Cream

Now that we've got the hang of it (and have made the above concoctions more than once) We're branching out. 

Coming Soon: 

Strawberry Covered Chocolate Chunk 

Smores

White Chocolate Raspberry

What else should we try? 

Liberation...

Awhile back I blogged about Kelly and really touched a nerve with a lot of you out there. You may not always comment, but my goodness- that post really brought forth the emails, sharing your own broken hearted friendship stories. I loved connecting with so many others, but my heart has remained heavy over the tremendous sadness I read about us doing to one another all under the guise of friendship... 

In that post I touched on my own responsibility to the outcome. While I may have been hurt, the reality is- it is MY decision whether or not I move on or lesson my vulnerability in future relationships. The other thing I may have failed to mention was that I was still facebook friends with Kelly. 

Actually, that isn't entirely true. You see, i became facebook friends with Kelly AFTER the fact. With every birthday or anniversary I'd wonder will Kelly comment? When a really great photo was uploaded I'd wonder Did Kelly see it? It's sick, really. 

It wasn't just her either. My birth father, who has made it quite clear he wants nothing to do with me, was also my Facebook "friend." {????? I know...} and on rarer occasions those same thoughts would pop into my mind in regards to him. Sometimes I'd go onto Kelly's page and see the comments declaring what an amazing friend she is, or how unbelievably selfless and wonderful she was. I'd cringe, (maybe, between you and I- gag a little) and then proceed to slip into a grumpy funk for the rest of the day. 

It was all so stupid, and yesterday my truly lovely friend helped me see that. We were discussing my Kelly, and the old "friend" in her life who was her own "kelly". The topic of Facebook came up and i questioned why I kept myself in such emotional bondage, and why? In some cases I was afraid of what they'd think if I deleted them. Can you imagine? Ridiculous, right? 

So, I declared it a Facebook purge day. I went in and deleted... and Deleted... i deleted Kelly and good portion of our mutual friends. I deleted my father. I let go (and let go) of people. 

And it felt great. 

Presence Unwrapped...

I'm still reading One Thousand Gifts... I feel so slow... 

One thing I appreciate though, while taking my time, is the goggle like perspective that it leaves me with. I love examining life's moments through gratitude. I see how such an act effects nearly everything. 

My weekend was so chalk full of beautiful, blessed moments... 

of love... 

 Toothless grins... 

 Cousins...

 Mohawked little boys...

 strong men who make amazing

daddies and uncles...

 sugary sweet snuggles and baby kisses...

 family...

 sun-drenched moments...

 relaxing...

 children pleading...

the answer still being no...

 warm naps in loving arms, after 

laughter and worn-out-play...

 easter bunny chocolate...

 baskets full of sugar for both the belly and the soul...

beauty... 

What gifts are yours today? 

The Hard Love...

The hard love is telling your daughter the truth. The truth about where she came from, what she's been through and what she's seen. Even when she's small, and fragile... because, it is her truth, and she has flashes of memories she may not understand. 

The hard love is telling your children you are disappointed in their far too grown up choices, and loving them anyway. 

The hard love is the love whose heart breaks when your kid's hearts break. 

The hard love is the love that candidly looks at yourself in the mirror, every morning, with a pair of honest goggles. It is the love that looks at your insides too. 

This is the love that can one day look your husband in the eyes, years after fighting, and crying and aching and finally- forgiveness... It is the love that gets me to the point of no longer wondering what she looks like, or what her perfume smells of. This is the love that kept me sane when he would travel for work. 

The hard love is love, period... It is the take-everything-from-me sort of love, because the person on the receiving end deserves it. 

Even when they choose the easy love route back... 

Where Picking Brains counts as a Science project...

.
In my life this week…
Lots of weather induced headaches, unfortunately. And I was sued. For something stupid. And the kicker is the company suing me actually said "you could hire an attorney, and you would win. BUT you would spend so much in the process." Which is true. $1000 lawsuit, versus thousands in legal fees. We'll pay the suit, thanks. {How is it that no one out there monitors these things?}
That pretty much nutshelled my week. Ho hum... 

In our homeschool this week…
We reconciled out timeline. It has been so neglected. {In case you are wondering what i'm talking about: we have a giant time line where we enter dates for EVERYTHING we've ever studied. It's AWESOME!}
We continued our weather science projects. 
We watched classic movies... *sigh*

Places we’re going and people we’re seeing…
It's a busy weekend, for sure. Farmer's market. Family Easter dinner on Saturday. Can not wait! Missing my sister and the kids, for sure. Gearing up for a pretty busy week, next week. The next three weeks, actually. I guess it wasn't awful that we had a quiet one this week. 

My favorite thing this week was…
Over the weekend we went to a community theater production of Hairspray. Being a Broadway musical lover, I'll admit I was NERVOUS about this. I feared mid-musical yawns and cringing but the cast was amazing! It was so entertaining that poor Chw clapped so hard I feared his hands may force right through each other! 

What’s working/not working for us…
Working: our timeline. Having virtually ignored it, I forgot how great it was. 
Not Working: this weather! I want to go outside!!! 

Homeschool questions/thoughts I have…
I'm curious about any sort of organized groups other homeschool moms have. Maybe book clubs, science project groups, writers groups, co-ops, etc... I'm just really needing to pick some mom's brains... 

A photo, video, link, or quote to share…

"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." ~William D. Tammeus

Sleep with me...

This week, my chosen writing prompt from Mama Kat's workshop is: 3.) Describe a phone call you won’t forget.

There are only a handful of phone moments that really rank in my forever memory savings account. One of those would be the call where i found out my grandmother passed away, and another would be two days later when my mom died. Those aren't great calls though, and I want to write about something great... 


I had a boyfriend once who could honestly be summed up into one giant phone call I'll never forget. Our relationship was long distance and the bulk of that was over the phone. Every call held moments bigger than so many of my days, before him. Deep, theological conversations; political rants and considerations; secrets; dreams and wishes... You name it, good or bad, and it resided within the miles of wires which stretched between us. From "hello" to "goodbye" I held magic within my fingers and I grasped it, willing it to last forever, though it never did... 


Please allow a small sidenote here: his voice was the sort of voice that could make a girl's heart, (or at least my heart) dip in that way that a deep drop in a road might make one's belly. His "hey" whenever I'd answer, drawn out and sexy, would open up the cage of butterflies within me and they'd flutter and fly for however many hours we'd talk. His voice and the things (most, anyway) that came out of his mouth were my addiction. I could barely make it through the day, waiting for his call. 


This one particular night, he called later than normal. I wasn't feeling well and had just had a particularly horrible day at work. I sipped hot tea for the first hour that I listened to his boyish laugh as he explained his day. He had a thing for chuck norris, whom I can't stand, and I listened to his little CN anecdotes as well as his perception of the most recent rerun of Walker, Texas Ranger. He listened to my scratchy voice cry about my day, about my sore throat and about how tired I was. He never judged my whining. Instead he soothed, and then he softly spoke of dreams and our future together, of how incredibly much he loved me and why... 
And my eyes grew heavy... 
For the first time in days I felt warm and comfortable, and yet without me speaking a word of that- he sensed it. 


"Sleep with me." Gentle, quiet words came. 


I wish I could. I wish you were here. That you could just hold me. I miss you. 


"I may not be there, but I'm here- right now- to the best of my ability. Sleep with me. I'll hold you this way. I won't hang up, I won't let you go." 


The one time I woke up, hours later, he was still on the line and breathing sweetly... 

laryngitis...

My little one, {who isn't so little anymore, at 12} God bless her, is quite the character! 

Let me see how I can visually set this up for you... 

Let's say, hypothetically, you find your pack of missing gum hidden in her snow boot. K? And you ask her why she has it... Well, she'll cock her head a few degrees to the left, raise and eye brow and say: 

"remember when you said I could have that? RE-MEMMM-BER?" As she speaks, defining every syllable clearly, dragging some out fifty times longer than necessary, you can hear the oodles of effort she's cramming into trying to manipulate the situation. 

Without any will at all, if you can imagine it, I'll deadpan "No, I don't," in reply. 

I'm cool and collected... 

Except for when I'm not, which isn't what this post is about, so anyway... 

It's funny, right? 

Except for when it's about 40 times a day. 

"Genny, why do you have a cookie in your mouth?" 

"I don't. I didn't eat a cookie. I did not take a cooookkkiiieeee." her words, hypnotic, likely achieving great success if it wasn't for the little hiccup of them being spoken around the cookie still in her mouth. 

Oye... 

So, Chw and I have been slowly watching the HBO mini-series of Mildred Pierce with Kate Winslet. Did you watch it? {Disclaimer: having viewed it is completely irrelevant to this post.} The daughter, in the movie, does that to her mom. A lot. It's infuriating actually... I kind of spent the majority of all 5 hours of it, wanting to shove my hands through the tv screen and wring the daughter's neck. She was evil. EVIL, i tell you!

But, here's the thing. In the movie, the mother GIVES IN! If she were in my situation, Mildred Pierce would have said something like, "oh, you didn't take the cookie? I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." And we, the smarter-than-that audience sit there dumbfounded.

Guess what though? That daughter becomes a total psychopath. (sorry if you haven't seen it but are dying to. yep. She's nuts. But no offence, if you see the first half hour and didn't come to that conclusion, you should be ashamed of yourself.) and well, we don't fall for Gen's weird hypnosis attempts so I'm pretty sure this is the universe'ss way of telling me that she's NOT going to be a psychopath! 

Yay! 

I mean, in hindsight after finishing said mini-series, when your daughter continues her ploy of hypnosis genius, is that not also the same conclusion you would come to? (did I mention I've got about 3 hours sleep going on, too?) 

All I'm saying is, if your kid too, tries to hypnotize you into believing ridiculous things- be brave. Stand strong. Keep your eye on the partially chewed cookie and your anchor in reality. Some day, when your child isn't a psychopath, they'll thank you... 

i hope. 

in the meantime, I'm naming this our anthem! (A.. Cuz it totally fits and B... Cuz it's such a great song!)

Peaceful, Easy feeling...

I consider myself a lover of camping... 

And yet, when it comes to the unpacking and setting up of camping- I'm pretty much in the anti-camp crowd. We have an unspoken rule, Chw and I, that he is the camp cook. He does the firewood. He does the fire. It's pretty much a Chw work fest, that I'm miserably along for the ride on. 

Until... 

Until that first morning, when the sun just barely peaks over the mountain ridge, shards of light shooting between the evergreens. Water's sound, from somewhere, intensifies and the birds come along. In that blip of a moment the world just comes alive and my heart finds it's wings. 

For the rest of our wilderness days, I'm free as a bird. 

I'm breathing fresh air, heart light as a feather. 

The world is suddenly branded with a sweetness, untouched by society and technology. 

I opened my door this morning, to check the temp and I heard it. There, right outside my suburban home I heard (and felt) that mountain airy peace. The birds were singing and the warm air had that early camp morning crispness...

It was as close to heaven as my heart has felt in months. Months of dreary greyness scattered with a few blips of blue sky. The whole world was in a party of sorts. I felt high on the moment, on the morning, high on the song...

I chicken scratched through the first few things on my day's to-do list and wrote "buy stuff for smores."

It's a good day!

Sticks and Holes...

Some time ago Chw was touching up paint for me, in our office. I love gray, and it so happens I have several shades of gray paint and he touched up with the wrong shade. It was funny, and easily fixable. No big deal... In the two days though, that lapsed between the error and the fix, the wall inspired deep thought. 

From straight on, it could be hard to notice. Sitting on the couch, however, and looking up revealed one perspective of incredibly noticeable "cover ups", while inspecting it from the side showed quite another. 

It's been over a month since the wall is back to it's perfectly colored self, but I still find myself thinking about it. About how, beneath the seeming perfection there's a color that doesn't quite fit. Beneath that cover, there's a layer of well sanded putty which is filling in holes. Flaws. Blemishes. Breaks... 

Like me. 

A very few, privileged people know the details of this particular hole.  For the sake of anonymouty and length though, I'll change names and condense. 

I spent years and years begging God to send me a true friend. (I had friends, but those friendships only went "so" deep.) I wanted one who understood my darkness. One who would still love me in my light. In time I began to understand that it was my own semblance of porcupine quills which stopped this from happening. Self protection actually working as self hurt.  Go figure. Anyway, slowly I began to work on things. In the mean time my husband had a very good friend that he shares deep and personal things (about me) with. We'll call this friend Tim. 

Well, after awhile Tim began to tell Chw things about his own wife, Kelly. I knew Kelly but we weren't really friends. Tim and Chw concocted a plan that the four of us would hang out and Kelly and I could get to know each other. Both Tim and Chw thought that mine and Kelly's darknesses were so similar, and our lights had so much in common that a deep friendship was a sure thing. {I don't know what Tim shared with Kelly about this, but I do know that Chw told me all of this and the reasons why they thought this.} 

Moderately annoyed at my matchmaking husband, I went along. I actually gave Kelly a chance. I actually really loved Kelly. Kelly and I had all of the important stuff in common. We had a lot of fears in common and the more raw I allowed myself to be, the deeper I felt our friendship grew. Kelly became the keeper of secrets, the keeper of my brokeness (of sorts) and the same applied for me. When I reacted to a moment or thing, Kelly actually understood me. We'd been cultivated in dirt so similar... 

I knew, after time, that Kelly WAS that friend I had prayed for... 

Many moons of happy memories, moments, depth, etc. happened. I belonged. I had waited forever to connect and belong. Even better than having Kelly for me though, was that Tim and Kelly were awesome couple friends. Chw and I's cups ran over. It was gloriously perfect, just like in the movies where couple friend brunch and date together. JUST LIKE THAT! 

I watched Kelly hurt and bad mouth a mutual friend. I heard Kelly's side. I knew, loved and trusted Kelly. I couldn't imagine my life without the intimacy of our friendship. OF COURSE I took Kelly's side. One day, while talking to the mutual friend though, (who felt so shocked and abandoned by Kelly, whom she once considered a truly good friend) she warned me that it would happen to me too. 

I knew it wouldn't. She was wrong. 

Kelly and I shared something two people shouldn't share. A darkness two people shouldn't know, but we did. 

Tim and Chw grew apart. Tim changed a little. It happens. 

Then, one day Kelly no longer returned phone calls. 

For a couple of years Kelly and I had done something every Tuesday. Sometimes it was morning, sometimes evening. One Tuesday Kelly stood me up. I found a long winded apology email waiting for me on Wednesday morning. I forgave. It happens. On Sunday though, a group of us were getting together for coffee and Kelly was late to show up. A mutual friend (different then the outcasted friend) was telling me about how, on Tuesday evening, Kelly had shown up at her house and hung out. How fun it was. When Kelly made it to the local coffee house i mentioned it- testing her. Cool as ice she stared me down and went on to talk about how great it had been. 

It was the beginning of the end, though the end was drawn out and heart breaking. I was excluded. I was gossiped about. I was taken advantage of and then stabbed in the back repetitively. I was replaced. Once, at a brunch, my own sister walked in on Kelly and my "replacement" completely badmouthing me. I extended grace and chance after chance because I clung to the Kelly I had known before she turned. When my life literally fell apart, I called Kelly and she was there for me for all of five minutes before turning snake like and making it worse. Worst of all was my daughter. My own daughter's feelings were hurt by things that were said to (and around) her, about me. It wasn't until I was far removed (geographically) from that social circle that I really saw how hurt and devastated my heart was, by Kelly. Over the past few years Chw and I have talked about how Kelly was more than likely the worst sort of villain because I did make myself vulnerable and trust her. 

And still, I see that I'm like my wall. 

I see her for who she is. I feel nauseous whenever I think of her. I've healed, in ways... 

But I haven't been open like that since. 

And I feel vacant. 

Beneath the fresh paint and the putty, there's a hole. I WANT that "you totally get me" friend. 

Not a Kelly though. Not a cartoon and shallow image that deceives people. 

I want a real and authentically good person to call my friend. We have friends. I have friends. We have good couple friends and friends we fly solo with. For me, it's not the same. And I see my daughters not really intimately connecting with friends either. I see self preservation. I want more for them, than that. 

Truth be told, I want more for me. 

And when I'm really honest with myself, I really miss Kelly. 

On Distance...

While i realize that I already posted today- I fell in love with this challenge. (that i just learned of today!)

GO

When I think of places... beautiful, far off places, my heart swoons. In such a respect- distance feels dreamy and romantic. full of hope. promising.
when I think of people though... dear friends who are far from me geographically- my heart aches. I ache. A drive which could fill hours feels like it may as well span oceans.
When I think of relationships- my heart cracks.
Distance.
Someone in the next room yet reaching out to them feels as impossible as stepping over, onto the next continent.
Distance.
Perspective.
Always. It ALWAYS comes back to perspective.
An end in sight can hold relief. Fear. Bitter sweet. Sweetly bitter. Bitter.
Between my heart and God- I want no distance. I want to be there, one reach away. Or in His arms.
Or something.
Anything that doesn't feel like distance.

And i want to no longer dream of traveling off, into the foreign cultures and sunsets. I want to go. to do. I want dreams to become living. I want distance, of any sort- to be my new four letter word.

No more distance between where my heart longs to travel.
No more distance between other coastal friends... other state friends.
No more distance between him and i. her and i.
No more distance between myself and God...

STOP

My moments...

In my life this week…

A lovely day date with my husband, to celebrate our 17th anniversary. We had so much fun doing the simplest of things like talking, dreaming, boutique browsing, brunch, frozen yogurt, going to the movies, lots of walking, fresh roasted peanuts and sharing a crepe from a local creperie. Just lovely... 


Skyped with Lucas on Sunday which was probably the BEST Mom moment of the week!

I also started a new writing project. I'm not sure, at the time, whether this will be something that is going to be bigger than "just something I need to write, right now" or not. At any rate, it's a mixed bag of emotions penning it out... 

In our homeschool this week…
We are so close to the end of the school year that our energy is electric. (yep, this is in between the bouts of fits, back talking and whining...) We are already wrapping up a couple of subjects that she's ahead in (Literature and Language Arts) which frees up more time for the others, and will hopefully lead to being done (for summer) by the third week of May. 

We are studying the weather which means we've got to do lots of fun projects. Some of them we've done before but it's fun seeing it all through this stage in Gen's learning. 


We took a "field" trip to see Soul Surfer. If i set all acting/production criticisms aside I can say I honestly loved it. My little book worm loves the story so I ordered a copy of Bethany's book for Gen's Easter Basket. Nothing like the last minute... 

Places we’re going and people we’re seeing…
this weekend we have our sweet little (turning 5 year old) friend's birthday party! I am hoping to take some great shots because I think it will be divine! We also have a trip to the Theatre to see Hairspray- which we are SUPER excited about! 

My favorite thing this week was…

I have taken to capturing mental snapshots of moments. It's my new goal to be super aware, or something. Anyway, we buy our milk from a dairy a couple hours outside of here. When the farmer's market is closed for season we have our produce delivered through a local organic company that couples with this dairy to deliver milk too. When it's farmer's market season though- we have to buy this milk from a local shop. Wednesday Gen and I went in to said shop (which is incidentally an Antique Mall) to buy some milk so we could make fresh ice cream. There I stood, at their old fashioned counter, paying for my glass bottle of milk while Genny was choosing which sort of old fashioned candy stick she wanted. I felt like we'd stepped right through a portal. It was awesome. Then the woman handed me my bank card and latte (see how i failed to mention they also deal in espresso??? ;) ) and my little antique moment was shattered... 

What’s working/not working for us…
this weather... oh my gosh. Rain (and clouds) seriously- GO AWAY! We need vitamin d and sunshine. (and my head needs a break in this barometric pressure!

A photo, video, link, or quote to share…

All Grown Up Now...

This week's writing prompt from Mama Kat is 1.) The moment I realized I was a grown up

In a lot of ways I think I always felt more grown up than I should have. I grew up conversing and connecting with other adults and that never really went away. At seventeen I felt nearer to forty than anything adolescent. It was my twenty-fifth birthday though, that really shifted my adulthood-self perception axis... 

I was working in a group home, happy and fulfilled, at the time. That morning, however, waking up slapped me in the face with the most severe depression I've ever had. I was well aware of the details of my life and the journey that had led me to that place, but suddenly the weight of it all felt far too heavy to embrace any ownership in. 

I was twenty-five years old... 

This was an age that had never scared me before. Suddenly though, I realized that- at 25- I was already divorced. I was surrounded by pseudo-religious people who reassured me of the completely sinful notion of marrying anyone else. Ever. I had it ingrained in my brain that I had messed that up, and my marital chance had passed... 

Twenty Five felt terribly young for such a sentence... 

Having had an emergency hysterectomy the October before- despite how well I had handled the entire situation before that morning- suddenly the notion that I was 25 and divorced {never to wed again}, deep in the trenches of sudden menopause and never going to be a mother... I felt old. 

Prematurely old. 

Every decision felt deeper, bigger, weightier, meatier... 

I had good friends who were graduating from college and still partying it up. When they had started college I had been a wife, desperately trying to get {and stay} pregnant while worrying about things like how to pay the electric bill and what to make for dinner... and now, just one degree (for them) later and I was facing my death sentence. 

That day sucked... 

Despite any maturity I'd had, beyond my years, though- that day I grew into an adult. I realized how much moments matter, and how things flee beyond our control or wishes. I caught a glimpse of the giant world beyond me and my immediate one... I learned that I wasn't my circumstances, I was more than that... 

Some of those things are the toughest lessons we face. 

Thankfully, it didn't last. I don't care that I had a hysterectomy (evil menopausal health and body complications aside) because i LOVE my kids... I don't want any other kids. I don't want babies with my nose and Chw's eyes... I want kids with the eyes and noses attached to the faces of THESE kids! In fact, it was loving my two older kids (who were 10 and 11 then) that pulled me through that. They weren't legally able to be "mine" then, but I loved them as if they were... And Chw and I reconciled. And things are really good. 

One Gem of a Vlog...

My little actress thought it would be a really fun idea to have an occasional Vlog episode, on my blog, entitled Genny's Entertainment Minute. The point of the episodes would be to share entertainment with her adoring public. Maybe a reenacted scene from a movie she loves, a song she loves, a recap of a book or some type of one minute review... She's gone over countless scenarios but when it came time to actually do the minute long video she got nervous and quiet. 

I know... every who knows Gen knows Gen is contemplating she and quiet in the same room... Aside from my friend Clint, that is, who is a cop. Genny is terrified in his presence. ha... 

Anyway, here's episode one of Genny's Entertainment Minute (GEM)... Give her some love. :) 

I sense something, A presence I have not felt since...

If I were a broken record, I would be stuck saying something about choices. 

Criticisms for my kids' choices... Urging Genny to really consider her choices... Criticism for myself and my own stupid choices... 

Choosing to lose patience. 

Have no patience. 

Facebook instead of writing. 

Computer instead of a walk in the sunshine. 

Fast food over making dinner... Ok. In all fairness that decision hasn't been made in forever because we don't really do the fast food thing- (Panda Express aside) 

But still... choices... 

Last night, the second my husband walked in the door, Genny sort of stepped over into the dark side. She does this a lot, actually. She becomes the most condensed version of a class clown that you can imagine. It's intense in a hyperactive kid shooting up pixie stix kinda way... 

Did I mention that the period between him walking in the door and her going to bed last night lasted about twelve decades??? She just gets so over stimulated... Do you know what really helps that? Mowing the lawn. I'm not kidding... She's actually been asking, for the past two weeks, when she can start mowing the lawn. Even she admits it helps. It's weird, but whatever. 

Anyway... Throughout those said decades, as I aged and greyed with each passing minute- I kept mentally urging her to take a deep breath and consider her choices. 

Choices... 

My choices. Me. 

Can I love my kids so much that they will just make the right choices? No. I can't. As ideal of an idea as that may be- it is completely impossible. And maybe my highly opinionated theory that if my kids loved themselves a little more they might make better choices is right on the nose... but I can't make them love themselves. I can't air up their self esteem so that they soar above the gutter style choices I fear for them. 

But I can choose differently. 

I can choose to love me. I can choose to do what I need. I can end school with Genny, good day or bad, at a specific time so that I can write. I can do that... and it isn't selfish. It isn't horrible parenting... It is meeting my needs so that I am better equipped to meet hers. 

And added bonus: I'm slowly teaching her to value herself too... 

How much is that doggie tied up outside the window...

Dear Jack {aka: the guy who tied is Lab up outside the coffee shop down town on Saturday morning.}, 

While your name likely isn't Jack, after much thought I concluded it to be the nicest thing I could address you as- all things considered. It, of course, is also no secret that your middle name begins with an A... 

But I'm veering off course from my post... 

It was lovely chatting with you, in the freezing rain, on Saturday. Your completely idiotic and narrow-minded response input to my concerns about your dogs morning has managed to stick with me for the course of the weekend. While I initially stormed into said coffee shop in search of your poor dog's completely selfish and neglectful owner, in hindsight I wish I had just had a chance to dial the humane society before you emerged... It truly was a sad moment when your beautiful (and freezing/soaked to the bone) dog left with you. 

Being that I majored in Psychology, I've given much baffling analization to your ignorance choices and have come to the conclusion that obvious self consuming blindness aside- your main issue is the doubly ignorant shrew your mother, who was with you that snow flurrying morning... Though she is obviously defensive of her son, (I'd like to point out here that your father walked away from the situation entirely... Interesting.) as that beautiful Lab's "best friend" you should be the one who knows better... When your pet is violently shivering, yelping(a sound derivative of pain, not playfulness, you idiot) so desperately loud that people from blocks away can hear him, and has such a small amount of slack in his tie out that he can not even lay down or turn his head- how can you SIT in a heated coffee house and chat with your parents for an undetermined amount of time? What kind of pet owner are you? Why do you even have a dog?
There is NO WAY you did not hear him, instead you chose to ignore him...
There is also no way you couldn't see him epileptically shaking as he desperately called for help, since the entire front of the coffee shop is glass and you were kind enough to tie him right in front in case he felt the need to torture himself by gazing inside to see you happily sipping a warm beverage and laughing with your family... 

Much guilt and worry thought about your dog has led me to find a more suitable pet for your selfish, abusive and ignorant lifestyle... 

Do us all a favor and find someone who gives a crap about your dog and focus your efforts on something whose life isn't dependent on your effort... 

Kernal of Wisdom: Not an animal lover??? Don't have a pet... 

image courtesy of  John of Witney