Silence explained...

I realize that, aside from a whiny birthday post and Genny's party recap- I sort of had this super dramatic post and then dropped off the face of the bloggy planet... 

I am preserving every moment of my time... and trying really hard to process things in this life and all that comes with it. Today is Thursday... It was around this time, a week and one day ago, that my son call from Massachusetts. He's in the Army, in case you didn't know. He was near Boston taking part in a testing program that was wrapping up this weekend, following which, he would be reporting to Ft. Lewis Washington. To say that we were thrilled that he'd be seven hours from home, would be an understatement. We miss him very much... 

Anyway, I've veered off course... let me start again... 

Eight days ago Lucas phoned to tell me that the Army had once again changed their plans for him, (they seem to do this a lot) and that he was being sent to Germany (for THREE years) on emergency orders. He will likely be aiding in efforts against certain war torn and dangerous places that no mother wants their son to go... He will be flying into the airport with this recent news.

He was home just a few days later, on Genny's birthday to be exact. We were hugging him. I was hugging him. 

But in just a couple of days, he boards a plane and we join the hoards of families who say goodbye as their loved ones who walk off into the great big scary real world. 

I keep thinking, perhaps if we'd had more time to prepare. Maybe if it wasn't all so sudden. Maybe if he was home longer. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe... 

I'll blog again, in a few days... When I am dealing with things a bit better. After my precious minutes with him are gone- at least until his next leave...

Until then, your prayers are AWESOMESLY appreciated... 

A Weekend in Paris...

The invitation... 

The party favor bag... 

 The Parisian Decor... 

The Activities... 

- A Glamorous fashion show

- Crazy tissue paper fights 

- Eiffel Tower awards

- Dancing

- Makeovers

- Classic Parisian Films

- And so much more... 

And for breakfast, her daddy the pancake master perfected these... 

And on her birthday morning, again her daddy made the morning with 

cake batter pancakes...

Parisian Party SUCCESS... :) 

Birthdays and other such miseries...

Ahh... Birthdays... 

Over the weekend we had immense amounts of birthday wonderment for Gen as she spent three entire days celebrated the commencement of her twelfth birthday. While three seems extreme, most of it is my fault. And life's fault. And, well, it just is... On Friday we went to get mani/pedis and then to get her hair cut (she was going for an A-line) and highlighted. What resulted, $72 dollars later, was Genny emerging (after FOUR HOURS of service to her hair,) was Gen looking EXACTLY the same. Am I the only one having difficulty understanding this? I saw the foils in her hair... And yet- NOTHING changed. Not her highlights... Not her cut/style. Nothing. 

And we frantically scurried along to survive the multitude of errands needing our attention before her sleepover- which rocked... 

Saturday she requested lunch at a local place with sings birthday ballads and delivers towering ice cream sundaes. 

Sunday, her actual birthday, brought her a cake batter pancake breakfast, family presents, a shopping day at the mall spending birthday money and gift cards- and then a trip to the movies to take in the latest Wimpy Kid installment, (which we all LOVED!) . 

Today is my thirty fifth birthday and it has completely sucked. 

it has sucked for all of the good reasons... My husband loves me. Really who can complain? He loves me so much that he literally stressed out and ruined the day succumbing to the pressure of making it a good day... 

Of all of life's ironies... 

all in all, I'm glad our birthday season is behind us... 

Now if Spring would just get the memo... 

Until then, I will just spend as much quality time with my son, who flew in for some family leave before heading to Germany for three years. 

Today...

Today I am just needing to talk. I am needing someone to be there and listen, and to tell me they know how i feel. 

Today I am looking for understanding. Understanding of the facts that I'm not perfect, and never will be. Understanding of the fact that my life won't fit into your a-typical little box, and I am ok with that... 

Today I am needing something. Anything. Compulsively I am looking at my phone, at my email, at my facebook, at the wall. I glance at my to-do list and want to do none of it. 

Today I am biting my lip and forcing tears backwards. I am binding it all together and cheering myself to get through tomorrow night. 

Note world: come 11 a.m. on Saturday morning- I am giving myself permission to freak out, cry, yell, pound fists and admit to anyone who will listen how completely helpless and overwhelmed I feel. About everything. About everyone. 

But this isn't about Saturday... It's about today. 

Today I just want someone, anyone, to be there... 

But if there was someone- I wouldn't have the first clue what to say... 

Coming to you, from this EXACT location...

Since I'm showing you a couple of recent projects, along with a peek into our home, I thought I'd show you the room where we pretty much live- next... 

We don't even know what to call it... It's just become upstairs... 

Possibly because it's the only room we have, on our second floor. Even more so though, I think because it has no real name. It's sort of everything. 

Lucas is home, he bunks upstairs with ESPN keeping him company. 

In the evenings, after Gen's in bed, Chw and I snuggle upstairs to watch movies, catch up on the tivo or play the wii. 

In the daytime Gen and I are upstairs doing school. 

When I write, whenever that may be- it is my fortress of creativity. 

On the days/evenings Chw works from home- it's where he is. 

Most days, when I do my quiet time, I am here... 

It is our everything room... Our family room, our school room, our work office, home office, library and so much more... 

 We just redid this chair because we needed one upstairs. 

I am IN LOVE with it... 

 {yes, I realize the BRIGHT green ball doesn't really accomodate my crafted black, white and harvest yellow room... but it's so darn addictive to use... and it has no home- just floats around.}

 I seriously love this room... And really, the pictures make me kind of cringe. It's WAYYY better in person! 

Well... 

Except for this dusty little corner... 

 But, it's his little world... he loves his corner, and it's pretty cool on evenings when we are both working because our desks L each other and we get to be there together... 

Lastly, (which was finished AFTER I did these pictures) He refinished a sister chair (matches the one in the beginning of the post- except without arms) for my desk. It's a bright, school bus yellow (to match everything else) and absolutely cushy heaven for sitting at my desk. I LOVE it! 

In fact, it isn't even my husband at all, who is responsible for these beautiful chairs adorning my family's creative space... It is my incredibly gorgeous friend who gifted us with such beautiful pieces!  

A glimpse of Gen's world...

While I think, dream and obsess over things like household projects, interior design styles, etc- my daughter does the same over fashion design and apparel. It's really cute, and it's been a consistently growing thing for a couple of years now. In fact, this time last year we were planning a big "redecorate" fest for her much larger bedroom. Such things as gloriously upholstered dress forms, etc- were in the works. Unfortunately, reality dialed our number and highlighted our awareness to the fact that with said big room came much responsibility and extreme privacy that Gen's judgement really wasn't suited for... It all worked out, but it was sad. 

Mostly it was my interior design dreams which took a bruising. Genny's dad, my abundantly awesome Chw, was so upset over every ugly detail that transpired- that he ixnayed every possible idea of anything cool happening to her room- new small bedroom or huge old bedroom- and sadness prevailed in our little lady kingdom... 

As time passed, I was able to talk him into a few things here and there. We'd already purchased non-refundable bedding, for example... which did NOT go with the lilac paint. (the trim on the bedding is this beet color that the walls are now) So yeah, it's been more of a work in progress... 

With no room for a dress form, which could be THE saddest fact of all... 

At any rate, one day as I was taking photos of my office (old big bedroom), Gen told me that she LOVES her room and asked me to take pictures of it. She's so proud of it... In all of it's tininess... 

So, I thought I'd share... 

 the actual "theme" of the room is Paris... though, she has a few random "tween" like elements which I anally feel through the whole theme off... At any rate-

- the walls are "beet" in color. 

-The picture to the left is actually a print with a collection of Vintage Couture covers... Very cool...

-The picture to the right is a collage frame that her brother and sister gave her for Christmas. It's an awesome collection of photos of them together, since she's been a part of our family. 

- ugly pink thing at the foot of her bed is an ugly, god-awful pillow with stupid skulls and cross bones on it. Please ignore it... 

, 

 - please note the pantless American Girl dolls on the top shelf of her book shelf... *sigh*

- if her room were to have a second theme, it would be how much Genny adores her big brother Lucas. She has a picture of the two of them on her nightstand, one on her vanity, one on her dresser, another photo of him on her vanity- and this is in addition to the ones in that collage frame... 

- note- on her closet door, photo booth strips... of her and her brother. Geesh...

Truly Springing Forward...

It's Spring Break, in our house. Since we home school, it will look a lot like days in the sunshine (assuming, of course, the sun cooperates)... 

It will look a lot like creativity... I want to attempt to sew a camera strap. (I am NOT a seamstress) I want to teach Gen some things in the kitchen. Genny wants to have a few more Chopped sessions... {If you've never seen the Food Network show, than that makes no sense... If you have, then yes- we've taken to doing our own basket meal versions. It's fun.} She's planning on decorating a messenger bag. I'm planning on finishing the decorations for her party. 

It will look a lot like fun... Fun that comes packaged in a colorful assortment of time with friends, just hanging out; board games; wii time; scooter riding; basketball games; and maybe even swimming... 

It will look like home... cooking; crafting; vegging; reading; writing... (hopefully, writing, that is...) 

It will look like special outings... A trip to the theater to see a musical; a spa day complete with hair treatments, pedicures and manicures; a visit to the museum; roller skating and movies... 

It will look like quality time, however you look at it... And not a moment too soon, either! 

Doing the Friday dance...

i haven't been able to find a good chunk of time to work on the manuscript, in weeks, and I'm pretty sick over this... Just yesterday a girlfriend, at lunch, was reassuring me that I'll always have my writing (or something like that, i forget) and I just cringed... Anyway, while my book sits collecting metaphorical hard drive dust, at least I've got blog posts, right? The one, from this week, that I am most proud of would be the one about my foster mom Julie. I have a photo of her, holding my adorably chubby Genny, sitting beside my bed. It has caught my eye every morning this week...

Bittersweet...

Moving on...

Best thing i stumbled across, on the web, was this post, which is absolutely WORTH the click... IT IS Great. Moving. Identifiable... 

All week I've had things on my mind... The two most pressing were the situation in Japan, which is just so heartbreaking... And Lucas, who turned 22 on Sunday. We miss him so much and, of course, would rather he been home. Even so, we are so proud of him for his selflessness and willingness to serve our country. Plus he has kidney damage, which sucks...

Top five moments were:
1} uncomfortable but vital heart to heart discussions.
2} dinner and hanging out with those friends that are your forever friends.
3} going to a crazy, but fantastic interior design sale followed by an incredible bakery lunch, with a friend.
4} refinishing/recovering chairs with my husband.
5} finally finding a vegetarian cookbook that i love. 

This week I've really been loving Satellite, by Guster. {If you aren't familiar, I encourage a listen. SUCH a great track!} 

Best recipe was definitely this Burrito Casserole... We had friends over and even though loved it. 

For school we studied the judicial system, state government and did an indepth study of the Salem Witch Trials.

I'm reading All Is Vanity... I stumbled upon it, at the library, and was thrilled. Drowning Ruth is one of my favorite books. I am really excited to read it.

Next week I'm looking forward to birthdays. Spring break, swimming, birthday parties, friends, gift wrap, cake... What's not to look forward to? 

What's in a mom...

Julie was a stranger, to me, on the typically hot August afternoon when we met. Her words hinted of a southern tone, and her smile made me question her sincerity when she spoke. 

Well, maybe it was my past and my already incredibly distrusting twelve year old self which made me distrust the authenticity in her words. I learned to trust her above anyone else... 

In time I learned, from her, that everyone is worthy of a cautious glance but that with caution comes the ability to use wisdom to garner whether or not they are trust worthy. Indispensable advice! 

When she told my disjointed and moody middle school self that my jeans would go, first, through the wringer washer and then hang to dry- perfectly smoothed out- on the clothes line, i thought she was trying to make my life crazy. Twenty Two years later, (Gosh, am i that old?) though I wouldn't be caught dead using a wringer washer, I still won't dry my jeans in the dryer. They last forever, looking as new as the day I bought them.

After years and years, (well into my adulthood) of thinking I had to go at it alone, Julie showed me that I could go to her for anything, even after I was grown. And so I would... 

A sense of humor is something most of us are born with, but because of Julie and her love of beauty and funny and the miraculous combination of both- I learned to laugh. To truly laugh, lighthearted and with honesty. 

Though I prefer to wax them, and still hate to tweeze, it was Julie that taught me the importance of eye brow shaping. It was Julie present and comforting on the first day of my period. For nearly every defining, adolescent mom moment- Julie stood in the gap. 

She claimed me as her own. She adopted me in her heart, and even proclaimed when I was nearing my thirtieth birthday that she was working on a plan to get rich so she could hire an attorney to adopt me for real. She was joking, of course. At that point she had been my mom for the greater part of seventeen years. Over those seventeen years, myths about family were debunked and I learned the truths... the truths about blood verses heart and love verses choice... I learned things there aren't words for. 

She taught me to get through the tough days. The screaming child rages and the moments when I felt completely un-cut-out to be a mom. She was a phone call away from most of them and always happy to talk me through them. 

It was her willingness to love, to hold close and to sometimes see past which taught me to love on my own. To love my own children, not birthed from my womb. To be there, to listen. To love in honesty, to love them authentically... 

When Julie died, I learned a lot too... How not to reach for the phone during a mommy meltdown moment... How not to tear my house apart searching for her noodle recipe and then just give up and dial her number... Eventually I grew to see the immense blessings in loving her and being loved by her. I learned to measure my moments and cherish them because there truly is no guarantee... 

Parole... {???}

Every day someone asks me if Genny's grounding is done yet... 

I know, right?!?!?!?!

Oh. My. Gosh. This is torture... 

Week one was torture, though the first half of the week (so pretty much, three days) felt almost good. Kind of like "this sucks, but it's for a good cause" type of good. But, then those three days became an entire, long week. And now, we are into the second one. 

Grounding= worst consequence idea EVER... 

Who came up with this? 

You know the ideal grounding situation, for a parent? The kind where the parent has a live-in, 24 hour nanny. 

And the thing is, I've been out of the house. I grocery shopped... I went to mom's night out, (yes, I did. Even with a low grade migraine. There was no way I was staying home for one more second...) I did a film review and went to this interior design sale. But still, the second I walk back in this house, it is like the dense fog of grounding encloses around me and fifty percent of my oxygen is stolen away. 

I always knew I was claustraphobic. Maybe I'm groundaphobic too... 

Next consequential sentencing we're going to have to come up with something different! 

Sort of like Where's Waldo, only WAY better...

It's really easy to notice, in every direction we look, the devastation in life. This week it's Japan. It seems like we all know someone who is suffering from Cancer; someone who has lost a child; marriages ending... It's a never ending cycle. I guess it is something about the way we are wired, that the majority of us sort of get lost in the ugliness. Life becomes tragically bleak and misery abounds... 

But what kind of life is that? 

Should we feel guilty that we set our dinner table with a well balanced meal while someone, somewhere, is starving? I don't think so. 

I am learning more and more, every day, that I have the responsibility to find the beauty in my everyday... 

I say mine, because my beauty may look differently than yours. 

But think about it, for a second. Imagine one of your worst days. A day where nothing seemed to go right and every minute seemed to lead to you feeling more broken and alone. What if, in the midst of that horrible day, something caught your eye and convicted you with so much inspiration and beauty that you found yourself overcome with tears of joy and gratitude. 

How much would that one little moment change that day? Your heart? Your life... 

I want to have an eye for beauty. True beauty- that I could spot it anywhere... 

image courtesy of katie hansen's photostream

And, it's a wrap...

Here at Chez' Wagner, it has been quite the week...

Wind, snow , sunshine, blizzards, sixty-five degree days... Unpredictable, if anything...

My favorite Rainy Day in May post would have to be this one though, for the life of me I can't understand why.

The most incredible thing I encountered on the web was this video...

Top five moments:
1} getting our garage (after three years) organized. (PLUS it was 65 that day!)
2} lunch and a matinée with a girlfriend.
3} Lent... I get excited about things like that!
4} funny text bantering with Chw about sending him to the gallows. :) {we're cool like that!}
5} Going to see the Broadway tour of Fiddler on the Roof.

Best song this week was this one, HANDS DOWN!

Best recipe was Vegetarian Korma. It's a family favorite (even my meat loving husband loves it!) only we change a few things... and I use Sweet potatoes for half of the potatoes it calls for. And we don't use onions.

While practicing the ways of the home educating we studied horses, specifically caring for them, the science of them and ways they've been used and bred over the years. We are reading the play Romeo & Juliet for literature, which has of course brought about some interesting discussions...

Best thing I read was chapter eight in One Thousand Gifts... It may be taking me a long time to get through this book, due to almost no time to read, but every time I get the chance i just love it all the more.

I am really looking forward to an interior design sale, with a girlfriend tomorrow, followed by a film critique... {You know I'm anxious to get out of the house when I'm uber excited about critiquing ;) } Also hoping to sneak in some sort of date with the husband but we'll see...

How was your week? What were your best moments? 

Stolen Words...

I have been incredibly blessed to have some truly genuine and thoughtful friends, throughout my life. Though I know I often fall incredibly short of the goal line, I strive to learn by their examples. Countless gifts and moments shower my memory, but there was one such instance that actually rendered me speechless... 

It was the Monday after Mother's Day, 2002. 

Mother's Day was a bittersweet day for me, in those days. Though I adored my birth mom and foster mom, I couldn't help but feel myself aching and lost in a sea of happy mothers and smiling, chubby babies. It had only been a year since my hysterectomy and, at 26 years old, the majority of my social circle was at the height of their family growing. To make my achingly empty arms a bit more complicated was the fact that 2000 miles away there were three kids whom I loved as powerfully and as much as if they were my own. 

Truth be told, Mother's Day felt like a giant slap in the face. 

There were rare moments when Chw would catch a look on my face and embrace me in that way that only he could, because in our world he was the only one closest enough to understanding. Beyond him though, I couldn't really share any of that with anyone. Who would I tell? The pregnant friends? The friends with their own diapered little babies? It was my own burden to bare. That year though, I had a friend with her own bittersweet woes. She had a beautiful little baby girl, whom the sun truly rose and set in. But, less than a year before she had also lost her mom to cancer. 

This friend and I had a friendship born out of similar interests and a fairly unique bond. It was one to two times a week that we would get together to watch movies, talk or do Bible study and pray. That Monday, following that Mother's Day, was one such day.

I arrived at her home, and stirred my coffee... 

I held and played with her baby girl, whom I adored so much... 

We chit-chatted about our weekends, she shared a bit of how hard the holiday had been for her. Tears were shared- and then the animated eyes, of this friend of mine, lit up. I have something for you, wait right there! She exclaimed, as she bounded up her stairs. 

She returned with a gift- a basket of lotions and cremes- and a handmade card. 

A Mother's Day card. Within it, my friend who possessed such a gift for words, told me of the mother I was already and the great one I'd some day be. She thanked me for loving her baby, for being her friend. 

I had no words, only emotions I couldn't quite name.