Sometimes the accent says it best...

Cup of tea in hand, I am writing to you with a British accent to tell you how pleased I am with the King's Speech. Truly, truly gloriously thrilled... And yes, congratulations abound to the other winners as well. But to Colin most specifically, I love you...

Moving on- life is funny sometimes. By funny I do not mean comically funny, (though it is sometimes that) as much as ironic, or what have you. Back in January when I decided to devote February to this challenge of loving my family, life looked one specific way and today, as this month comes to a close, it looks entirely different. Some 28 days ago, I was more happy-go-lucky and less deep-in-thought. Some twenty-eight days ago, it was just Chw, Genny and I dancing our way through this silly house. We were teetering on the edge of becoming foster parents and stepping our way towards adopting again. My mother was pre-opping for a surgery that would restore her quality of life and my older two kids were moving along on their separate paths towards greatness. 

Things were good. 

Today I am processing from a weekend where my mother ended up in the ER following a 21 day journey which has led her through over a week in ICU, three weeks of delirium and confusion, dangerously low bouts of blood pressure and oxygen, touch and go nights, a transition into a rehabilitation program and lastly a pulmonary embolism landing her back in the hospital.. . The common question on our minds, these days, whenever my mom comes to mind is: Will she ever be the same again? Her again? Thus far, there are no answers, only head scratching. 

Also, over this weekend, my oldest daughter moved home. Although this sounds ordinary enough, anyone who truly knows our family knows this was a development no one saw coming. On an entirely different note, a dear girl who nannied for us last year is also coming to stay with us for a time. A quiet house of three, (except for the two noisy dogs) is about to get quite full, and much to Chw's dismay, incredibly estrogen filled. 

Major developments and changes are coming to the lives of our nieces and nephews, whom we love as our own. Some heartbreakingly sad (for us), some wonderful... All in all, it's tough to be here in the sidelines... 

And then, there is the matter of my Sunday afternoon coffee with my future daughter in law. She is beautiful and bright, and as awkward as the circumstances may be, meeting her was a highlight. She has a 2 year old son that Chw & I also look forward to getting to know, even if our son is serving in the Army away from home. It's a strange idea, getting to know his someday bride and stepson, especially when ninety-nine percent of their relationship has been long distance. Then again, it's a strange idea that, at 34, I could be this little boy's step-grandmother. That's the funny thing, I guess, about our journey of loving and being blessed with kids who are not biologically ours. Though, don't burst Genny's bubble if you run into her and she tries to flaunt that my son was born when I was thirteen years old. She likes to make us sound so controversial... ;) 

I've been looking at my family quite a bit, this weekend. Even if, from a distance... Looking at my amazingly strong husband; at my brave and maturing son; at my beautiful daughter with her responsibility and stubborness and at adorable little Genny, who put on eye liner at a sleepover and looked less adorable and way less little when we picked her up- sadly... I've been looking at my mom, and her life... Looking at my sister and her children. Lots of looking... Lots of gratitude... Lots of loving. 

I am blessed. Amidst the ICU and Emergency Room phone calls, amidst the long distance threats of deployment and awkward Starbucks introductions, I am blessed... 

Today I will, in my 28th day of this challenge: 

- Keep looking. Keep thanking. Keep loving... 

My entire family completes me, grows me, matures me and makes me a better person- every day. Every single thing about me that you might find good is because of my husband and/or these kids... 

K...

Today my beautiful niece is eleven... 

Happy birthday, gorgeous girl! I am so abundantly proud of the wonder you bring to life! 

I love you! 

He's still my leading man...

Last night while I was cruising around town with my man, I had the panicked realization that this would be the last weekend to shower my family with love. How horrible is that? In all actuality, it's merely the last weekend of the challenge... hmm... at any rate, it's also Oscar weekend and, as we know- that's a pretty stinkin' big deal in my world of shallow movie obsessions. 

Case in point, my girl friend is coming up to take care of some business, from California. When she shared her weekend travel plans with me, my first thought was What?!?!? you leave home on Oscar weekend??? I am ashamed of what you must thing of me now... 

Genny was hanging out with some friends, which spurred my cruising around town date. It had originally been a date to (finally) see the Fighter, but show times weren't lining up. It then morphed into a bowling date- but the wait time at the lanes cramped our style and we ended up grabbing a quick dinner and perusing the aisles of Le' Target Boutique... 

Ooh La La, tres' glamour... 

The highlight was, most definitely, convincing Chw to try on this leprechaun novelty hat/beard thing. I laughed until tears flooded my face, it was so fantastic. He, however, became doubled over in laughter (influenced completely from my hysterics) and removed the ensemble. I did convince him to try it on one more time for a photo op with his iPhone.  He was opposed to me taking a photo, for fear of me broadcasting it to the entire world- but at least a photo (for now) exists... 

Since he wouldn't give me blog photo fodder to share, alas' I am forced to interrupt these last challenge days to share with you a few hopes and predictions...

Lead Actor: Colin Firth (of course...)

Lead Actress: Natalie Portman

Supporting Actor: Christian Bale (he's the one who looks like Jesus... At least last we saw, and acts like Satan.) 

Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo

Animated: Toy Story 3

Director: David Fincher, Social Network

Editing: 127 Hours

Foreign Language: Biutiful (this is more what i Want, not what I think will win...)
Screenplay, adapted: 127 Hours
Screenplay, original: the King's Speech
Film: 127 hours (personally, the BEST film, of the 10, that I saw... I would also be thrilled if The King's Speech won... If Social Network wins I will scream. This is a brilliant film, but nothing in comparison...)

Just watch... Social Network will win.
Sigh... 

There's no place like home...

I guess I am a slow learner because, years ago, while complaining about some annoying habit or phase Chw was in, someone older and much wiser assured me that someday I would grow to not even notice... 

And it's true. 

{Don't get me wrong- the way he eats ice cream still drives me about crazy, but I simply stare intently at the clock as the minutes tick by until he is done- and then I breathe easy and move on with life.} 

But really, I genuinely enjoy being with him. There are days when simply sharing a sitcom with him feels like true, quality time. When a day, (like yesterday) doesn't go well at all, just calling him and talking to him really does help. I can't explain it. There are days, (again, yesterday) when I just can't wait for him to walk in the door. I fit perfectly into his embrace, my head rests perfectly below his shoulder and when he takes me in his arms, I know I am home. 

I can think of a billion reasons why I love him, how I genuinely appreciate him and things that set him apart from other guys. Every day I am overcome with gratitude for him and almost overwhelmed by how much I love him and how tender our relationship is. 

It's a really good place to be. 

That being said, it wasn't always like this. Once we reconciled from our divorce, our issues from before (sans the affair) were still there. We had horrible relational skills. He was quick to anger and violent out bursts, while I had a venomous, wicked tongue. There were days when I knew we'd never reach a milestone anniversary. He was a man who was willingly work obsessed, made easier by the fact that his job was incredibly demanding. Feeling completely abandoned, (partially because there were lingering scars and feelings from our divorce and the reasons behind it.) I clung to a friendship with an ex of mine. Being his friend was not a mistake. It has been two years since we've had any interaction, and I still attest to that. I miss his friendship, he's a super cool guy. At any rate, I made a lot of mistakes in our friendship- most of which were relying on him for my emotional support and acceptance, something I should have received from my husband. I need to clarify, this was nothing remotely adulterous... It would never have ended my marriage... I take complete responsibility for all of it... I made mistakes. Ones that were made out of the best of intentions, (i.e. I trusted him, so if I had a bad day or needed someone, I'd go to him.) simply attempting to meet a human emotional need with what was a genuine, natural, and familiar connection. Chw knew of our friendship, and that I talked to him about a lot. There were no secrets, or betrayals. Chw later admitted to me that he was completely fine with it, because it left him free to focus on work. 

Work. Which provided, in the ways he needed, the same outlet for him. 

Just as having this friendship wasn't the source of the problem for me, (nor was my friend at fault) work was not the source of the problem for Chw. 

I know of THREE marriages that have ended, since Christmas, due to emotional affairs. And statistically, there are a lot more. This is just people I either know, or know of through friends... 

My point with all of this is that we have to keep ourselves transparent and available to our spouse. Even if we feel they are giving the best of themselves to someone else. (and I'm NOT talking about an affair. I'm talking about preventing affairs...) I fully believe the very best way to safeguard a marriage- and the only way mine has become what it has- is to be completely present and raw with your husband. 

Now, it is that emotional intimacy between us that keeps me present and connected to my life. This somehow flows into our kids and our other friendships and familiships. And honestly, even when my friend would be there for me, it never felt like what I needed, which frustrated me. It never pacified me, and that only added to the frustration and emptiness i felt. Though it would never have happened between he and I, i do see how an affair could be born out of a similar situation... Having friends, or a demanding career you love, can be great- but if we are not completely aware of everything we do in those things, and don't make it a point to truly connect with our spouse (on a different level)- we will ruin our marriage. Maybe it won't end in divorce, but what kind of a marriage is an empty and contentless one? Nothing but a shell... 

My husband is my home. My husband feels like home. Good days, bad days... But we both worked our asses off, to get to this place and it takes work to stay here... 

Today, in my 28 day challenge, I will: 

- go on a date with my husband, and HAVE FUN! 

- laugh with him. 

- listen to his day. 

- tell him how much I appreciate him and thank him, in a non- generic way, for the things he does... 

And I landed flat on my face...

I day dream, sometimes, about leading a brilliantly balanced lifestyle. I manage to stay in touch with all of my friends and family, while also maintaining a well organized home. My blog, in said daydreams, is always maintained with quality posts and my personal writing blossoms throughout regimented productivity. I got to thinking about it, this morning though, and how one dimensional these imaginings truly are. In them, there are no middle-of-the-night emergency phone calls. No emotionally damaged children wreaking havoc on my day. In them, my husband is happy and supportive because his job is not only something he loves, but something he feels good about...

Why do I feel like, as the woman, wife and mom, that it is my sole responsibility to maintain balance and peace around our home? Is that the way it actually is, because I've chosen to stay home- even though I maintain some fragment of a career? Is that a societal pressure? Because, last night, with set back nine-hundred-trillion, resulting from my daughters attachment disorder- it felt like my personal failure.

I sat down and watched Chopped, in the middle of the evening, and guilt rained down on me. There was laundry (already folded) to put away... There was a muffin pan (soaking) to wash. I texted my girlfriend, who also loves Chopped, and asked her if she was watching it. When she confirmed that no, she wasn't because she was busy doing something important (note- NOT how she said it, or exactly what she said) I felt even worse.

I don't know how to do it all... How to be it all...

Does my husband feel that way too? I can not imagine the stress he's carrying, from his job. He has a hard job. Quite possibly the hardest he's ever had. He left quite a luxurious position to end up here, and he did it for me and our kids. To my face, he's never admitted he regrets it, but I've seen moments where it may be etched in his expression. Does he dream of balance and take on every setback of Genny or I as his own personal failure?

Today, in my 28 day challenge, I will:
- Ask my husband this question.
- try to empathize with his position more...
- breathe deeply and try to let go of the stresses so that I can be a better me, for my family... 

J'ai besoin d'une faveur...

I interrupt the little loving my family theme, that I've got going on, to talk about a real life quandary, for a bit... 

I TOTALLY need your help... your friend's help... pretty much anyone's help. 

I am throwing my daughter an Evening in Paris themed birthday party. I have some GREAT ideas, and a fairly skeletal frame of how it will all pan out... The problem is that I'm a total detailed person and, well, I'm running out of time. That, and, well, my twelfth birthday Parisian extravaganza' budget is on that of the dwindling side... 

Here's where you come in: 

- have a memory of some specific thing/time in Paris? I absolutely want to hear it! Even if it feels irrelevant. 

- have a project or know of a project to link to, that could fall within the inexpensive and Parisian theme? I want the link! 

- suggestions? ideas? tips? 

- Favorite Parisian things? 

- Parisian foods? 

- Parisian pastimes? 

Pretty much, help?!?!? Please... 

In return, i will pick one lucky contributor, from the comments, a little gift. Better yet, I will let Genny choose the winner randomly since it's for her birthday, on March 14th, and we will Vlog the announcement that morning... So please, please, please, please, please {P-L-E-A-S-E} help... 

Acts of love...

Doing something, for someone else, is an act of love.
It sounds simple, but that isn't always the case...
Often times we grow weary or disgruntled, feel under appreciated, etc... Unfortunately others may not always notice what we may do for the them, or the lengths we may go to for their happiness. There are several adages about that and motherhood, but it isn't just motherhood. Marriage can be like that. Parents of adults can sometimes fall into a shroud of entitlement and take their grown children for granted. It is our human nature to take, and take, and take...

I try (and fail miserably... often because I over schedule myself) to find small ways to serve my family beyond the standard meals, home and laundry. Some days I may go beyond myself to accomplish something, only for him to wonder what I did all day... I'm not a fan of those sorts of days...

And then today I wondered: Am i guilty of that too? I know he doesn't mean to look past me. How often do I hurt my husband or kids because I'm so caught up in the chaos of life that I don't truly see what they've done for me?

Today, in my 28 day challenge, i will:
- Say thank you, and mean it.
- Observe.
- do three good deeds/random acts of kindness, for three strangers.
- make an extra effort to ease the burdens of my husband, who works so hard for our family...

The sad truth about family time...

Want to know a dirty little secret? I am one of those people who gets ridiculously overwhelmed with my calendar, therefore forgetting to plan any quality time with the people in my life. Or, worse- I schedule it in the planner... I wear only an expression of complete shame when I admit that to you. I am anal, to a fault...

But, I am trying to be better...

I see the monster me that happens when I don't have regular quality time for myself, and with those I love. It's ugly. Frighteningly ugly. It's impatient. (of course, you understand, that's not me... but the monster.) It yells... In fact, this monster likely grows more Hulk like than even I'd care to admit... But give me a quality game night, with my family or an afternoon out with a girlfriend and I'm a mouse again. (well, that's a severe stretch of the truth- but you get the point.)

In a fast food, instant gratification society, such as ours- it's quality time that seems to permanently live on the butcher block of the modern family. Dinners around the table are traded in for mini van meals pulled from paper bags... Frantically, families run in forty directions to things like work, clubs, sporting events and meetings. Even when we do have time with one another, (or, a date night) they usually involve a movie. Being the movie lover that I am, I asked a friend last week why they saw a movie every date night if they weren't really big movie lovers. Her response made me sad, Because I can numb my mind and just wind down from the week...

Call me crazy, but I've decided to advocate for family. For quality time, between spouses as well as with their kids. Wind down? Quality time should refresh us. It should build us up. It should invigorate us with what we need to move forward with renewed strength.

And yet, I find myself over scheduled... One thing I do love is that we do have dinner together, every night... And let me tell you, there are those frantic days when I live for those 45-60 glorious minutes of peace, laughter and conversation...

Today, in my 28 day challenge, I will:
- Spontaneously do something fun with Genny, this afternoon.
- Spend some quiet conversation and dream time with Chw.
- Mesh my schedule with Amanda so that we can make time to get a pedicure and talk.

The truth about gifts...

Genny takes an art class from an amazing artist, every Monday morning... Monday of this week he spoke to the class about Valentines. Specifically, about when making/giving one to someone you do so with that person in mind. You consider what they like, the things that seem to draw their attention, etc. 

It's all about the details... 

I've said this very thing to her a thousand plus times, but she never really heard it until today. 

I was thinking about this particular post for awhile, before today. Gifts are my love language. I love buying them, love receiving them. The prettier wrapped, the better. It's just how I love and feel love. My husband, however, is an insecure gift giver which usually means no gifts at all. Because I love him more than life itself, I've grown to realize that a lack of gifts doesn't mean he doesn't love me, or think of me- but honestly, (and I'm ashamed to admit this) that was a TOUGH lesson... 

I did buy him a super cute little valentine, this year. Nothing major. I had zero expectations from him, and it wasn't until Valentines Day itself that I realized even more than a little gift- what would speak the loudest to him would be to do something for him... I tackled the storage side of our garage. I organized. I loaded my SUV full to the brim with stuff for Goodwill. After hours of doing this, and feeling completely exhausted in the process, I was disappointed to survey what had been done and not see bigger results. In fact, I was actually a little depressed about it. When Chw walked in the door though, he was all smiles. From ear to ear. He wrapped his arms around me and thanked me over and over. 

You don't know how much that means to me. He said those words until I couldn't stand to hear them anymore. I didn't see that it was that big of a deal, but he did. It meant something to him. More than a silly little Valentine or an overpriced card. More than a fancy date at some five star restaurant... 

And then, then he said four beyond priceless words to me: I'm taking you bowling! 

And I shrieked... 

I did so because A) I love to bowl. B) He doesn't. C) Therefore we never go. D) He had reserved the lanes, on his way home, before he even knew I'd worked in the garage... 

To give a gift to someone you love, all you need to do is love them and truly set yourself aside in thought of them. While Chw would have been less than thrilled if I'd gifted him a game of bowling- he had an AWESOME time because we all had fun and he knew it made me happy. On the same note, if he'd cleaned the garage for me- I'd have gone straight to bed and slept the night away wallowing in self pity. 

Joy is found, even in the things we may not like, when we do them in love... That is the true gift... 

Today, for my 28 day challenge, I will: 

- Do things for my family, even the things i don't like to do, with a joyful pep. 

- I will play Gen's favorite game with her. 

Love letters...

On Mondays I help teach in a class called Public Speaking. {Anyone who knows me will likely be caught unexpectedly laughing out loud, right now, because I am not a public speaker. Pretty much, to clarify, I sit there and offer the rare bit of feedback. So, sort of like a glorified student... Anyway...} This past week the class assignment was to choose a random item from a pile and give an impromptu speech to the class about what it was, and three different things you could use it for. This sweet girl, roughly 10 years old, took a bottle. My own mind filling with the hundreds of things that bottle could be used for, her very first thing took me by surprise: Put a love letter in it, and send it to sea. 

I'm obviously not much of a romantic because that idea did not grace my list. That being said though, I have to admit I LOVED it! I began to think about such things as love letters and the ways in which they can be given...

left on bed pillows...
written in lipstick, on mirrors...
through the mail, sealed with a kiss and perfume scented...
slipped under a door...
attached to a gift...
in a bottle...

A love letter, by it's very definition, is merely a declaration of one's love. Every time I reach for my husband's hand- I'm doing that. Isn't it an amazing idea to strive to live a life as a love letter? Intentionally acting upon your love, always?

I'm in love with the notion...

Today, in my 28 day challenge, i will:

- write a love letter, to my husband. I will recommit to love him and remind him of all of the reasons that I do.
- try to be a love letter for my family...
- enjoy this day of love and affection with the people I am so lucky to have and love. 

The truth is sound...

It's no coincidence that the word for my final sense, to discuss, has a second meaning of firm, solid, foundational...

This week my sister and her husband had to make the excruciating decision to send their three children (whom we are incredibly attached to) to another state to live, for awhile. On top of that, my mother had two major surgeries, several dangerous days in ICU- all culminating in her needing 9 liters of blood, which opens up an entirely new string of problematic possibilities...

But the one thing that has screamed itself known, throughout my week, is the very thing I'd known I would blog about today, before...

Before my son was injured in military training.
Before my mom had the most difficult night (healthwise) of her life.
Before my niece and nephews left for this new chapter in their lives...

Sound. The importance of sound, from (and to) those we love. At least I thought I was blogging about it's importance, but really- today- I admit importance is actually an understatement. Vitality is the word.

To a mother, exhausted from labor, waiting for her baby's cry...
To the wife, whose husband fights a war on the other side of the ocean...
To a child, frightened and sleep strewn from nightmares...
Sound is everything.

When I heard my mama's voice, after that long ICU laden night of not knowing- i heard heaven.

and it reminded me, of those literal aching moments of needing to hear my husband's voice.
of those miscarriage laced years of feeling i'd die without ever hearing the sounds of a child's laughter fill my home.

Then again, there's an ugly flipside. Though the childhood adage tells us words can never hurt us, they can... They can break bonds, destroy marriages, crumble childhoods and take down a nation. Gossip can ruin reputations and relationships. Sound can lead to broken hearts...

There are moments when sound is everything...

Today in my 28 day challenge, I will:

- bite my tongue.
- use my words well, and wisely.
- memorize their voices- their laughter... for today is a gift with no guarantee...

Your lover smells...

This week, as I'm making my main focus love and my family- well, things haven't been going the best. We've had  a lot of major life scares, injuries and difficult (unexpected) good byes. It's tempting to throw in the towel and say "forget it... my mind is elsewhere!" But I can't... I've tried to stay attentive to my goals at hand. I've been so blessed to receive emails and comments about other women who have decided to use their February's in similar ways. 

Anyway- this week I've been spotlighting the sensual. Today I wanted to touch, briefly, on smell... 

After my husband and I were first married, some seventeen years ago, I noticed this fragrance that certain areas of his skin had. The strongest patch was between his upper lip and nose. It was a divine smell and sky-rocketted to the top of my Reasons I am Madly in Love with Chw list...

Now, I'm no different that anyone else. There are times and areas of my life when I can be exceptionally shallow. This was one of those time areas. I didn't understand, until 2004 really, how vital something like that was. Over the 18 months that we were physically apart, prior to our reconciliation, I would have moments where I achingly missed- not him- that scent. I felt, almost as though it and I belonged together. In 2004 when we began attachment therapy, one of the very first things they had us do with Genny was to pick a soothingly scented lotion and spend 20 minutes rubbing it into first our hands and arms, then her legs, feet, hands, arms and tummy. Both Chw and I had to carry around small bottles of this lotion and put it on dozens of times a day, BUT we could only put it on her in the evening when we were beginning our attachment routines. The point of this was that she would learn to recognize her own smell as a part of ours. That, throughout the day as I brushed her hair or played with her, she catch the scent in passing and begin to know she belonged to that. 

Like magic- it worked*. Though we still have RAD rages and all of the not-fun stuff that goes along with such a disorder, she's attached. Her attachment to me is much deeper than Chw, and unfortunately we attribute this to the key years he worked in a job where he traveled much more than he was home. At any rate, the power of smell- among lovers and family may be one of the strongest sensual bonding agents there is...

Today, in my 28 day challenge to love, I will: 

- Remind my husband, when I kiss him, how very much I love that scent of his...

- give my daughter a manicure using scented lotion, and just take that time to dote on how truly special and loved she is. 

Seeing is loving...

I was sitting on the couch, typing away on my laptop. The dogs were excited and playful because Chw had just walked in the door after a long day of work. Genny, in her tween I am the center of the world charming fashion, ran right up to her daddy and started hounding him for something super selfishly annoying urgent, when he just lost his cool...
Amidst the barking, bouncing and incessant chatter he failed to see that the message truly being handed him was saying we love you and we're glad your home.

It's almost always the same story, every Monday through Friday. Some days he's had a great day and he's more receptive of the high energy welcome. Other days, like the one I just mentioned, his nerves simply can not take it.

On this particular day in question though, which hadn't been a cake walk for me either, I got annoyed at his response. "They're just happy to see you." I snapped. While we didn't exactly have an argument, the atmosphere was one laced more with hostility than anything, and words were exhanged. As he went to take a shower and rant about me in his own mind, I began dinner preparations where I proceeded to fume even more. I was, after all, the one in the right. How could he be so self consumed in his irritations not to see that this was- (mostly, with the exception of a small percentage of his 11 year old's selfishness well meaning ways...) his home and if he didn't want his family lovingly greeting him than maybe he should go elsewhere after work... (while he was likely thinking, why can't she see that I had a hard day and I just needed to come home to a home of calm and peace?)

I wish I could say that it was like the instant flick of a light switch that reality came to me- or that the above scenario was a one time moment- but that would be a lie. I am a hypocrite. I don't always see my husband. Sure, I look his direction and know when he enters a room, bit I don't take the time to truly see him. To see the heart behind his actions, or the things etched plainly in his expression that he hopes I'll notice. In my deadline rush or other busy filled hours I don't always stop to look at my kids when they talk. There are times when I don't stop to put myself in their position and try to see where they are coming from. I'm sad to say, more often than I wish, I jump to conclusions only to later realize that if I would have just paused to truly look at my husband/kid/mother/friend/________________, then I would have saved everyone involved some serious hurt...

On a positive note, we've established the routine that he comes home to a peaceful and quiet home, greeted by his wife. He'll then, go in and see Genny who will be peacefully doing whatever it is she needs to be doing at that time. It works well. It transitions nicely and, on the flip side, if we've had a busy day it gives us a small portion to process the day and wind down from it as we head into the evening with our family.
It obviously doesn't solve everything. I still fail to see my them sometimes. I'm trying to be much better at this...
And when I fumble at it, I'll look directly into their eyes and ask them to forgive me.

Today, in my 28 day challenge, I will:

- Stay present, and in the moment, when I am with my family. I will not only see their face, as they speak, but how they say it. I will try to place myself in their perspective and see why they feel the way they do.
- I will have a staring contest with my daughter. 

How flavor defines a marriage...

There is this saying, among circles of parents with attachment disorder kids that Sugar is a Mommy's Love. Pretty much, the theory is that you give these kids (whom you desperately love as they lash out and push you away, regardless of your best efforts) candy to eat when you aren't with them. You tell them over and over that candy is your way of reaffirming "I love you", when you can't be there to show it.
It may be weird, but it works...

Which isn't really that different than any of us really... Sad? We eat some ice cream. Cold? We make a big pot of soup. PMSing? Grab the chocolate.

As much as research seems to point a finger at comfort food being the downfall of a society, I think they've got it all wrong. (sidenote: perhaps that downfall is EXCESS. anyway) I mean, how many otherwise great dinner dates can be damaged because of a bad meal out?

The reality is that taste, at it's core, is a sensual process. It is so that our moment can be enhanced. (though some times the current flavor does the opposite, obviously.) Taste is as much of a shared experience as any other involving of our senses. While eating a half gallon of ice cream, with a wooden spoon- hiding in one's closet is not a healthy habit- that doesn't mean that never sharing an ice cream cone with your child or attempting to recreate the Spaghetti scene (ala' Lady and the Tramp) with your husband is something to feel guilty about later.

One of my favorite things to do with my husband is to cook. While he doesn't particularly like to be the one on dinner duty, when we are working together in the kitchen we both agree it's FUN! Quality conversation and moments ensue- and almost always, whatever we created tastes fantastic. This is no different than the moments in the kitchen I've had with my kids either. Then again, I love to cook... But, my family also loves to eat. We share dishes, we explore new restaurants and flavors. These things have grown important to us, so that evenings around our dinner table aren't monotonous forkfuls of food into our mouth- but quality togetherness...

It may sound funny but while Sugar may be a Mother's love- Taste is a testament to my family's...

And every Saturday's brunch at home, (unless we go out to brunch together) is the proof of this collaboration of love.

Today, for my 28 day challenge I will:
- Have a dinner date with my husband, where we simply cook and create something together after Gen's in bed. We'll dine, by candlelight, with soothing music in the background and conversation between us.
- I will surprise Genny with breakfast in bed.
- I will bake my family their favorite cookies so, when they eat them, they can be reminded of how much I love them. 

The Beatles totally got it...

A few days ago my oldest daughter was talking about making a list for the type of guy she wants. I had to smile because it reminded me of a list I myself had made, back in the day. In the days after a few high school heart breaks, but about a month and a half before I met Chw.

As any seventeen year old girl's list would have, mine contained a few fairly shallow hopes. Beyond those, though, the one thing that I wouldn't even consider budging on was that this guy, whomever he'd be, would have to have amazing hands. Great hands. Warm hands to hold. Hands that looked great, worked hard, loved to be held and could encompass mine.

The night of mine and Chw's first kiss, (which happened after he asked if he could kiss me, just like i'd written on my wish list) I really took note of his hands. No, that's not true... I fell in love with his hands. Seventeen years later, I grow to love them more everyday.

Those hands have comforted me through miscarriages.
They have wiped away countless broken and aching tears.
They have signed his name to some of my most treasured letters and cards.
They have dialed my cell number when he's needed me.
They have paved the way for our family to have a roof over our heads and food on the table.
They have worked, along side my hands, to provide stimulation and therapy for our Reactive Attachment Disorder child when she's needed it the most.
They tightly lace their beautiful fingers with mine, as we're walking.
They rub my neck and forehead when I'm lost in a migraine.
They brush our daughters hair and play board games with her.
They are creative- they draw, they paint, they build.

Those hands, his hands, they reach for mine even when he's deep in sleep...

Having a child with an attachment disorder has this way or redefining nearly everything about your life. For us, touch and affection was at the top of that list. Though his hands may have been an important romantic notion, when I was seventeen, they became the glue that would preserve both mine and our daughter's sanity through the darkest times.

Today, in my 28 day challenge I will:
- Intentionally reach out to comfort my hard working husband. I will rub his hands, his neck and his shoulders. I will be affectionate with him. I will appreciate him, and all that he does, and make sure that he knows this...
- I will hold my daughters hand. I will brush her hair and love her. I will hold her. 

Learning to laugh...

When my eleven year old dreams of love and marriage, and of being a mother, someday- she envisions it with laughter engulfing everything. Not cruel laughter, at another's expense, but genuine- soul filling laughter... I want that for her. I pray that for her... Even though her life hasn't been a basket of fresh picked berries, she still doesn't quite grasp how difficult life can be, and that's ok with me. After all, she is only eleven. 

To make her odds of a laughter filled, balanced and happy home even better though, Chw and I need to learn to laugh more. Don't get me wrong, we are fairly funny people and we do have our fair share of chuckle induced headaches... We certainly know how to many anything fun, and Genny has indeed learned that from us. That being said, however, we still need to bring more fun home. Above all else, our home needs to be a safe place where laughter warms our hearts and love is further born... 

Today, and throughout the weekend I will, in my 28 day challenge: 

- laugh. With my husband; as a family. 

- play together. 

- live in the now. 

- LOVE... 

image courtesy of http://elegantwordart2.blogspot.com 

To be close...

Within the first five years of our marriage, my sweet husband (who wasn't always so sweet, in those days) would have these tender, night time moments where he would hold me so tightly and lay as close as humanly possible. I always knew these moments because there was something in him that was desperately searching and reaching. I always knew that this sentence would follow, and it warmed my soul- I just can't get close enough to you...

As most everyone who reads this blog knows, we divorced in our fifth year of marriage and officially reconciled two years later... Our reconciliation wasn't anything like the days of blissfully falling in love and dying to be together. Anyone who has been through something similar knows this. Divorce, and the details accompanying it, are painful and difficult. 

For the first couple of years, after our remarriage, I would often lay awake waiting for those moments of his yearning for closeness to happen, but they never did. It has been ten years since we remarried, in fact, and it hasn't happened once. For a long, long time that reality messed with my head and this ugly voice in the back of my mind assured me that he didn't want to be close to me. Somewhere though, along the journey of our lifetime together- I saw the truth. The truth was me... Before, in those first five years, I built myself behind such a vast and thick wall of self protection. It wasn't me in body that he was desperate to be close to- it was me. The divorce and the reconciliation destroyed that fortress, and with it my need for preservation and safety. I am raw and real now, honest with him and 100% available... 

BUT it's something i have to keep myself in check with. Life is hard and painful, and vulnerability leaves us often times feeling uneasy... 

Today i will, in my 28 day challenge to love: 

- be present and available, for my husband. I will carve out time, just for him, where we spend time talking about what he needs or wants me to listen to. We will dream out loud together. I will be completely present and attentive, to him. 

- I will make the time to touch base and connect with my kids. To hear their voices, and keep myself attentive to their needs. 

the anatomy of a kiss...

Something about the way life and it's minutes and dreams are told- in our culture, through film, stories and music- has this way of making certain moments feel more real than they are. Like the on screen or lyrical kiss, for example. I wish that I had the science or technical details of how long people have found portrayals of the kiss, so moving. 

One day my daughter asked me why kissing was so special. Spitting definately is not special, and isn't kissing just spitting into someone else's mouth? Gross. And well, I found I couldn't really argue with her elementary logic.  Instead I simply turned my head and smiled because I knew that someday she too would find her heart all knotted up over the idea of some dreamy eyed boy bequeathing to her, her first kiss. 

I'm a kisser, I'll admit it.
I love kissing.
It seems like a funny thing for a 34 year old to talk about, but there it is. Not just that kind of kissing, either. My sister and I kiss on the cheek, I kiss my daughter and niece and nephews on the forehead about a thousand times a day. I find the fact that the British and upper class exchange cheek kissing to be something of which I envy them. It's lame, I know... 

Most of all, though, I do love kissing my husband. 

I love the way I feel when my husband kisses me. 

One of my favorite movies is Baz Luhrman's version of Romeo and Juliet. I adore that movie probably a little too much, a truth to which my little sister Jennie can attest. I love it from beginning to end, but along with every other lover of that film, one of my all time favorite scenes is the aquarium scene with Des'ree singing in the background. Singing about kissing someone home. 

Isn't that simply the most lovely thought ever? 

Because a kiss should be so much more than an exchanging of spit and hormones. Maybe technically that is all it is, when you remove the heart of it all... (not that the hormone and spit part aren't vital, of course). Anyone can do that, but I'm talking about the kisses with true heart and love as their driving force...
The REAL kisses... 

Today's part of my 28 day challenge: 

- Today I plan to kiss my husband... And to kiss him home, with all of the love I can, into a home that is peaceful and nurturing. 

- To pray for my kids, that God keeps them safe and helps them feel warm and loved... Also, to pray for the people from here on out who will enter their lives, and possibly love them and one day may be the person kissing them goodnight. That those people will be nurtured and loved, learning themselves to love in beautiful, complete and healthy ways... 

Challenged to Love...

Love and Valentines day have always been some sort of bickering couple, in my eyes... While Valentines day seems to be all about spending money, either expensive gifts or the opposite end of the spectrum with corny gifts, and lots of pressure- love should always be the opposite. 

We aren't big Valentines day people around here... Well, that's not entirely true. We make the usual cards and heart shaped cookies, do the heart shaped breakfast, etc. Chw and I exchange cards and he'll buy me flowers because he always does, and I'm ok with that. Even better, he brings them to me personally- not sending them anonymously. It's simple and easy, and I love it. We don't go out on a date. I make Genny chocolate covered strawberries and a card, every year. Her daddy brings her flowers and a balloon. It's pretty much perfect and I'm totally happy with it. 

BUT- I look around me and I see that February, throughout this Hallmark tradition, has been deemed the month of LOVE. And that got me to thinking about real love. Real loving kindness and generosity. i need to give more of that... 

So this year I'm going to. i am making a Valentines Pledge, and anyone who reads this will be my witness (unless you join me. Then we'll keep each other accountable.) 

I pledge to go above and beyond the comfort of myself to express love and appreciation to my family. To honor love, however love is given, and to make extra effort to ensure that my family feels loved and accepted. 

Day One: 

Communicate one unique reason why i love each of them, and spend at least 20 minutes of uninterrupted quality time with them.