Rainy Day In May

On tender...

2012-01-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

Start...

There is this way in which is hand reaches for mine, this way in which love courses through his fingers as they intertwine with mine. A way in which he kisses my gently, that breathes more life into my sometimes tired spirit than any thing else alive...

The tenderness that comes from him is something that doesn't just blossom when boy meets girl. It does not simply click on when vows are taken. It is a thing of wonder that comes with forever of knowing one another.

There was a day, hands around throat- tempers raging our already stormy seas- when I believed it not possible.

Such days were early. Young.

Today is old. Not quite rockers-on-porches old but easily paving the way towards even more tender.

Surely there's a reason growing old is categorized under tender...

wrinkled mouth kisses, frail hands, palm to palm.

I am happy for today, our somewhere tender in between.

Grateful, even more so.

Stop.

journaling {week two}

2012-01-27T01:10:00.000-08:00

IN MY LIFE THIS WEEK...

It was a good week, over all. Monday started rocky but we got some good news, (major answer to prayers) and so that was a good thing.

I also got a few fun freelance opportunities.

We celebrated the second birthday of my amazingly beautiful miracle niece, Kaileigh, which was great... And then there was lots of chaos and going...

IN OUR HOMESCHOOL THIS WEEK...

I decided to go easy on myself and get over the self imposed guilt and pressure... and though still a big rough- there was definite improvement!

We studied time management and I think keeping a time journal was a good way for Genny to see how incredibly long she takes on things. A typical day would have her moving through school at a defiant, turtle pace and then getting angry at me because she finishes so late and I give her too much. The journal motivated her to get through things well, with no "corrections" and she found she could be done by lunch, or soon there-after...

I AM INSPIRED BY...

I have some really lovely people in my life. I have a friend whose mother is fighting breast cancer and both mother and my friend have been incredible sources of inspiration for me.

We found out, for certain, about our daughter Amanda's ship out date for boot camp. Her eagerness and excitement inspires me, as well as scares me. With Lucas preparing to deploy this spring it is all a lot of overwhelming fear junk for my heart, but still, when I am honest with myself I realize that both of them just BLOW ME AWAY...

They make me take notice of the present in a powerful way.

PLACES WE'RE GOING, PEOPLE WE'RE SEEING...

We have a field trip to the aquarium today, which we are looking forward to. We had went to a local coffee place for chai and no bakes while we read our literature book and wrote letters. It was amazing. We went swimming, Genny had two basketball practices and a game tomorrow. Looking forward to family date night tonight. Going to pizza and to see a movie.

MY FAVORITE THING THIS WEEK WAS...

It's a tie...

1}On Tuesday night Genny's basketball team had team photos. Since she's part of a community sports league this meant that there were literally hundreds of kids, (of all ages) conglomerating in groups of their team t-shirts, awaiting their turn. It was a long, tedious evening. As Chw and I had nothing to do but sit at a table and send stupid text messages back and forth. We discussed philosophical things such as frozen yogurt and displayed our mad-skillz making many emoticon faces. At one point he says to me, "we're so lame."

2} Roughly a half an hour later we are home, and he (wearing contacts) picks up the pair of eye glasses on his nightstand and says "I really need to order new glasses. These are all scratched up, I mean-" He then puts them on his face to further point out their flaws when he jumps back AT LEAST a foot and shouts "WOAH! WHAT THE HECK?!?!?" I immediately start laughing. Wearing your contacts? His slight "oh, yeah." reassured him nothing catastrophic had happened to his vision.

Lucky for me, i'm a little less lame. :)

THINGS I AM WORKING ON...

A few freelance projects coming on. Looking for inspiration for my Smash Book, so I can get it started. Planning a couple of small parties... Nothing too major.

I'M READING...

Trying to read (still) Lost by Greggory Maguire. I don't know if it's that my last book was so real life/sad that this tale is losing me, or what the deal is really... Hopefully by next week it will be a DIFFERENT tale!

SHE'S READING...

Treasure Island. :)

I'M COOKING...

Macaroni and Cheese; Fish Tacos; Fresh Baked bread... Nurture, nurture, nurture...

I'M GRATEFUL FOR...

So, so much. Healthy husband. Healthy kids. Heat and roof over my head. A passion for writing. A handful of amazing friends. My camera.

I'M PRAYING FOR...

My kids... Lucas is getting ready to come home on leave and Amanda is getting ready to leave for basic. Genny is really struggling and I feel like i don't have it in me quite often...

My sister's health is a gigantic mess. I miss her so much, I feel in so many ways like I've lost one of my best friends. She just isn't able to be there for me anymore and though I totally understand- i miss her something awful.

A PHOTO, LINK, VIDEO OR QUOTE...

what wednesdays were made for...

2012-01-25T01:44:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of homeschool moms, over the years, comment on how luxurious and easy my life must be, as I only educate one child at home.

Folks, it's not easy. In fact, I think it's harder... Plus, i'm starting to wonder if this one child-centric routine we have, isn't a bit unhealthy on said only child. She knows that the course of my day, and what I can accomplish revolves around her and that gives her quite a bit of power.

It causes quite a bundle of problems.

Let's just say that though with great power comes great responsibility, the result these days seems to be great wickedness and a huge attitude of selfishness.

So, since I have the luxury of only educating one child at home, and said child is old enough to behave somewhat reasonably in public- i've decided to mix things up a bit.

Three days a week will be entirely home and education focused. For the whole of those three days, there will be little else occurring. These are the days where my laundry or household chores will mostly occur. These are the days where my bread {and other} baking, will occur. If time appears, on said days, for writing or what-have-you, than fantastic! If not, no loss as that's not what these three days are for. {plus, lets face it, I am an adult who makes my own schedule. I can easily get up earlier or stay up later.}

It's the other two week days I am excited about.

On these two days Gen will have school work that she can do independently, without me. Since we do a lot of unit studies, it will be lighter loads on these two days. These are also the days though, when we'll rsvp for field trips or go swimming. These are the days where a movie may fit in with what we're doing- or not. Maybe I'll just want to watch a movie... These are the days that maybe we'll devote an entire afternoon to reading and sipping tea- or escaping to my favorite coffee place for a steaming cup of chai and uninterrupted time to write overdue letters.

This is today...

These days, like today, can be loosely scheduled- or completely free.

These days can include hanging out with friends or working on art/craft projects all day.

These days can include pajamas and tivo, or nature walks, or home spa days, or _______________...

I kinda think i'm going to love days like today!

my morning meltdown...

2012-01-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

Good morning!

I realize I barely get the right to say that, as it's only minutes away from eleven a.m.

Considering the rocky morning we've had around Chez' Wagner though- it's progress. :)

Things are much better than yesterday. Except I have this weird swelling in one area of my gums, but you don't want to hear about THAT- trust me...

The sun is shining some, which is absolutely excellent.

We were going to spend the morning on a photo excursion and then go swimming, but alas- one of the two of us was not at all co-operative and so here we are, me getting a late start on a blog post and her- crying through math. Cest la' Vie...

In other news, what about those Oscar nominations, eh? See, while the rest of the world is emotionally caught up in football and whether or not their team will make it to the big Super Bowl- (most of my friends' teams did NOT) i have been happily watching movies and mentally noting my Oscar predictions. Over all, {minus the Tree of Life} I am pretty pleased with them. There are two films I've yet to see- {The Tree of Life being one of them. I was hoping to avoid it.} And yes, I realize this is the part where I lose many of you because you are still caught up in your grief and sadness over your teams not making it to the SB. *sigh*

Of course, now that the nominations are out- it's time to start planning my Oscar party. I have a few ideas... I sent out paperless invites (I hate doing that, but I hear it's the GREEN way to go.) and have had three people RSVP. Three... There are nine films nominated. The key thing to do is a food item representing each film. That's a dang lot of food for three guests...

One day, when we have a house with actual conducive space- I plan to do an Academy Award couples dinner party- complete with Red Carpet and over the top ridiculousness... This, this is just {another} good, old fashioned pajama party.

Give it two weeks and I'll be panicking and feeling completely rejected from invited friends, tinkering on the edge of suicide and quizzing everyone I see- {the homeless included} as to whether or not they own pajamas and would like to come. My how times have grown worse considering just 24 months ago I was interviewed by USAToday regarding my party... I shudder to think about next year... Of course, this is all in fun... sort of. But really, if i invited you- please come. K?

This post took an unexpected turn so I'm going to close it now...

I need to compose myself...

Gosh, I wish I were swimming...

First things first...

2012-01-23T10:11:00.000-08:00

This is the dreariest of Mondays, both inside and out...

Outside our windows, wet winter drizzle tries to drown happiness and warmth.

Inside our windows there is sickness, stress and worry over legal proceedings, life choices and the future.

There is some grieving over the death of our wii.

There is news of childhood suicides, which breaks my heart. (To clarify, the deaths are not of people our family knows directly, but it's sad all the same.)

Inside feels overwhelming and stuff, like I can't breathe. I want to throw open the windows and let fresh air in.

But, yeah...

So, this is pathetically me, asking you to send your good vibes our way because we could sure use them today...

And also, some tummy soothing tea, if you don't mind.

Thanks!

This week...

2012-01-20T09:05:00.000-08:00

In my life this week…

Besides ranting about no snow and then being pelted by insanely wet and harsh snow- and catching up on some personal writing- I am attempting to keep things fairly calm and doable around here because our evenings are about to get super crazy, ya'll...

In our homeschool this week…

We are finishing up The Adventures of Tom Sawyer in literature. Genny has loved this book and it has been really fun digging out the most random vocabulary words from Mark Twain's work...

We are also working on Time management. It's all part of a unit study. Last week we completed Conservation. It seemed like a good direction to head as we re-dove into the homeschool way of things AND started a new year.

My favorite thing this week was…

Nothing. Truth be told, it has been a HARD week. Defiance has ruled the roost and I am moody, and tired. This week will not go down in the greatest of homeschool weeks, that's for sure...

Questions/thoughts I have…

Other than the open ended "Will it get better?" plea, which just sounds depressing... We homeschooled for three years, then did one semester at a charter school and I feel like everything is all ruined...

Things I’m working on…

I bought stuff for us to start Smash books. i am really excited to start them, even if they aren't necessarily educational. I am also working on doing a purity retreat with Genny. I feel like, after the last 6 months for our family, this might be a necessity... BUT also, after the last 6 months we've been through and the way our days- with just she and I- are turning out- it might not be such a grand idea to retreat together. hmm...

I'm cooking...

I baked fresh bread and am trying to focus on comforting things in an effort to get our family back to a nurtured and comfortable place. Last night was homemade Chicken noodle soup.

I’m reading…

I am reading, very snippetly, LOST by Greggory Maguire. I want to love it, and be captivated, but thus far i'm not too interested...

I am grateful for...

Even if things seem hard and overwhelming right now, I am truly grateful that I get to bring Genny back home to educate and connect with her. I might have to remind myself, a few times, that I'm grateful, but I truly am...

A photo, video, link, or quote to share…

I want to live in here... {original image link}

right now...

2012-01-17T10:14:00.000-08:00

Source: alisonowendesign.com via Caroline on Pinterest

I got this post idea from Caroline:

Right now I am…

watching: right this second, nothing... when i have quality time with my tivo though, i am catching up on Glee, Parenthood, New Girl or the new season of Justified...

eating: fresh baked bread with real butter... yep.

drinking: ridiculous amounts of water, some iced tea and sipping on POM. it's the way to do it, i'm convinced...

wearing: jeans, a grey sweater over a black tee... pretty casual around here considering it's my baking/laundry day.

avoiding: my phone like the plague... that's all, really.

feeling: a wee bit melancholy, despite all the sunlight we've had.

missing: a good, old fashioned social life. i'm lame. And in a funk. It was nice though, to meet a friend for Chai this am...

thankful: for my amazing family, my home, the gift of being able to wake up to and care for said beautiful family, and so much more... despite my funk, i never forget how blessed i am.

weather: gloomy ick with a major snowfront on the horizon.

praying: about this re transition, for health in our family and for life stuff...

needing: a massage... a vacation... a stiff drink, (kidding!)... a Genie.

thinking: deep thoughts about frustrations and growth, moving forward and the likes...

loving: breakfast with my husband... the food, the time chatting... the way it kicks off our day.

and you? what are you up to?

the unexpected...

2012-01-16T08:56:00.000-08:00

Seldom do even the tiniest things work out like I expect. Does your life work out like that too?

Take this winter, for instance... While I wasn't necessarily surprised by our lack of a white Christmas, I am finding myself pretty disappointed to glance up towards snowless mountains in the middle of January. Already, months before fire season, we are already dreading the air quality we are facing- as well as the lack of supreme camping access...

Things like that.

Or like bad RAD days with Gen. Or things my kids do that disappoint me. Or unexpected bills. Emergency medical crap...

that's the thing about the unexpected though- we have no idea when it will happen (or in some cases, not happen) or how... but flowers almost always grow from the rotted dirt, at least in some form. Beauty is there, stemming from the ugly- I am just realizing it is up to me to see it.

Between you and I though, I am struggling with the snow thing. A good chunk of the reason is fear... Fearful of how hellish the summer smoke will make breathing.

Mostly though, it's because I had such high hopes/plans of photo opportunities with the glorious white blankets of lovely. *sigh* Guess my secret is out- i am super shallow.

Also, i worry about how badly the lack of winter bliss is affecting our economy.

But mostly, it's the lack of photo ops...

Silver lining? Sunny, April-like afternoons. But still.

p.s. Come July, get your guest rooms ready (as long as the air quality at your place is breathable) because i'm coming...

Why Women Need Fat...

2012-01-12T04:19:00.000-08:00

I have been compensated for this review and the opinions reflected in this post are my own and do not, in any way, represent Blogher...

I am not one of those girls who enjoys sitting around and reading health books. In fact, when I fully realized exactly what type of book I had chosen to take on for the Blogher book club, I internally cringed just a bit. That was, until I cracked the pages of Why Women Need Fat by co-authors M.D. William D. Lassek and Stephen Gaulin. From that point on, I was hooked. Why Women Need Fat's authors take the time, (sometimes it may seem like a little bit too much time for me) to really break down why women store fat differently, seem unable to lose fat as rapidly as men and how we went from a butter and lard using nation of fairly fit people to the most obese nation in the world, in less than a hundred years... Informative, and written in easy to understand terms, Why Women Need Fat is really is a book for anyone who wants to get a better grasp on our food situation and weight crisis.

I found myself, more often than not, reading from this books pages to anyone who would listen. While quite a bit of the information shared was stuff I already knew, at least to some degree, I still felt like I learned with nearly every turn of the page. The very second that I turned the last page and closed the cover, my 12 year old and I were pouring through our fridge and cupboards. To say that the content in this book truly affected our family's life would be an understatement.

One section, early on, addresses why girls tend to have fatter butt, thighs, and hips than boys. Somehow, rooting from what I don't know, my youngest decided when she was around 10 years old that she had severely thunderous thighs. (she does not, by any means.) It has been her insecurity for the better part of two years, giving her an actual loathing for this part of her body. When I got to this section in the book, I called her over and we read the reasoning. For the first time, ever, I saw this freedom seep over her as she realized that this wasn't some huge fault she had- but that it was simply a design for her that served an actual purpose. This blessed me ridiculously.

From my own perspective, I too found encouragement and peace with myself. We are programmed, not only as Americans, but as women, to strive for skinny and consume only the low fat. With low fat and light food sales being at an all time high, shouldn't the weight of our country not also be at an all time high? Obviously we're missing something... This book has the key. I've talked about this before, but after I had my hysterectomy in 2000, my weight shot up fast. In the 12 years, since then, I have had multiple nutritionists and physicians reaffirm that I will never lose a significant amount of weight due to my natural hormone levels and more significantly, the shock that my body went through when it was instantly plummeted into menopause at 24 years of age. While I have always believed there had to be a way, the information in this book reaffirmed to me that getting my body to the place of eating as it should- when it should- (and NOT how a government or bazillion dollar industry would tell me to) was more important than anything. From that point, my body will slowly regulate to be however it should be. Is that heavier? Maybe. But it doesn't matter...

I whole heartedly recommend this book... (and actually, already have, to multiple people) It stresses the importance of WHOLE, REAL food and then goes on to back up WHY. My only complaint, if I had to have one, would be that it gets a bit repetitive... It didn't really bother me though, because repetition is how we remember and I deeply need to remember everything I learned...

This was the PERFECT book for my year of Health!

Sugar Sugar...

2012-01-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I've spent the great part of this year, {ha ha ha} using cheesy song titles of bad references to head my blog. I want to be sorry, but truthfully whenever I see that empty title line- these are the only things that come to mind...

anyway, moving on.

In December my best friend was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. Dealing with debilitating migraines for the whole of her life, and a strange iron issue which left her nearly fighting for her life a couple of years back, this was a major shock. My biological father is a diabetic so this is something I keep a close eye on. My glucose levels remain fine, as do cholesterol and everything else, but I knew this was going to mean some big changes for her and I promised to journey along side her as she changed her life.

Life has a funny sense of humor though, because unbeknownst to me- a week later Chw was routinely tested for insurance purposes at work and is borderline Type 2.

So, now I've got no choice...

Any tips?

We eat pretty healthy already... Chw has a major sweet tooth though and loves things like TJ's JOJOs, oreos, and girl scout cookies... He has been known to spend more evenings than not with a bowl of them and a glass of ice cold milk...

and...

2012-01-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

It's a lot- this idea of homeschooling again while working from home... And striving for health... and... and... and.

AND!

I am overwhelmed, folks...

There is A LOT going on right now, in our lives... It's a good time, for sure, to have Genny back home. We kicked off our "semester" yesterday, trying out a new co-op. It was WAY different than the other two we've done, but not bad. Just different.

I open my blog and the curser just flashes at me. I have no idea what to say, or how to respond to it's demanding my attention NOW.

I don't know what to say.

I am unsure of the future, but then again, who isn't?

I am nervous about taking this on... but then again who wouldn't be?

I feel overwhelmed...

AND?

Exactly...

So, deep breaths are happening here. Stressing less than I would have imagined- but mind consumed all the same. Some time ago my friend passed this site on to me, and I am planning to utilize it to the hilt, when I have a minute... In the meantime- here is me...

Smooth criminal...

2012-01-06T00:42:00.000-08:00

This will be but a distant memory, any day now, but at 12:12 a.m., on January 1st, 2012, Chw shaved off his goatee. Back, way forever ago in the mid 90's, my husband would shave it off and everyone would remark about what a 12 year old he looked like. For a two-fold set of reasons, he stopped shaving it off- (1}he liked the goatee, and 2}he didn't want to look like a 12 year old) until this past Sunday morning.

Suffice it to say, that's a long time to go without shaving. Though kissing smoothness was sort of nice- (and weird because, well, it's been almost 20 years of kissing facial hair) It was pretty much unanimous that the goatee must return. Even Lucas, over skype, was not impressed with Chw's sudden smoothness...

and for the record, he looked older than 37, which he was NOT expecting...

Genny was the most taken aback by it though... repulsed, one could say... {in her defense, she did spend the day immediately following this moment, throwing up. She rang in the new year with the tummy flu.}

Pretty funny, right? :)

A milli vanilli world...

2012-01-03T08:37:00.000-08:00

I apologize about the ugliness and depth that the direction of this post will take. There is just something that has been tumbling about, in my brain, and finally i got to the point where I knew I had to let it out...

Do you ever realize how many times rape, child abuse and molestation come up in the news? I truthfully never did until I found myself living back at home, as an adult, and watching the news with my very own child rapist step dad and my mom- who protected him. Now, of course, I am still hypersensitive about it and therefore don't watch the news. It is horribly sad and tragic- the paths people take, but it doesn't mean that I don't care if I choose not to give the media my attention. Even so though, sometimes a friend will post the link to a story on Facebook and i'll find out about things that way. That was how i learned of this story. {If you do not want to click over and read it, I will summarize. Man arrested due to the RAPE and murder of a 1 month old baby girl.}

This story happened in NM, where I'm from. This story is sickening and disgusting and in no way would i EVER compare what happened to that beautiful little baby- as to what i went through as a child. This story made me authentically ill. There are no words. So, when my mom called me and the story came up- that awkward elephant from our past crept into the conversation...

My stepdad left my mom around 2002, 2003. It broke her heart and she became suicidal. As time passed though, she got a little better. She began to see herself (or says she did) as better off without him. In 2006 she finally admitted to me that she knew I was telling the truth about his abuse. (I had reported him the first time in 1988 when I was 12 years old.) Those 4 minutes when my mom gave me the validation i had waited so long for, were the most freeing and healing 4 minutes of my life. Immediately following those four minutes though, my mom proceeded to tell me that it wasn't her fault she didn't realize it before- she had been molested as a young girl. She also went on to tell me she hadn't known and had she of known what he was doing, she would have sent him to jail.

Turns out, she was molested. The rest though, were lies of course.

She had known. Every inch of what happened, spanning a near 10 years, happened under her nose. Everyone knew about it. A near entire town knew what was happening, but no one knew what to do. It was that shady time when certain things were better off behind closed doors. My family made the decision to send me away and sweep the whole mess under the rug- rather confront the scandal and shame of it. My mother was given the opportunity by the state of NM to choose. She chose him. For the rest of my adolescence she was given the same opportunity repetitively- and she always chose him. At least until he no longer chose her- then her song changed. She blames him for everything. Blames not knowing. Blame. Blame. Blame.

It is a sick sport, this casting blame. Sure, there was blame to be had by him more than anyone else, but she has significant responsibility too.

Whenever it comes up with her, which is far more than I'd like, it is all about her. With the story of this baby, she went from outrage to who could do something like that? From that point she moved on to anyone who does anything to a child, 1 month to 12 years old, should be taken out and have their penis cut off. Of course, this is where I attempted to steer the conversation in another route. Before long she was telling me that, had she of known what he was doing... blah blah blah...

The thing is, it doesn't matter. While I don't like hearing her pretend she knew nothing because I was there too and i know that's not the truth- the reality is it truly doesn't matter. it was a long time ago. I've not only gone through healing and therapy, but I am able to acknowledge that I am a better person for what I went through. I am also able to understand things about my youngest, that stem from her sexual abuse before being placed with us. I am grateful for that. I don't walk around on some Victim of Rape crutch, but my mom kind of does. She's a victim in what happened to her as a child, which led her to poor men choices and placed her in the position where she literally had to trade her own child- by turning a blind eye- for security and the closest thing she believed she deserved- to true love. When that went south, she plays the victim to that too. She lost... She lost... he hurt her... he hurt her daughter... blah blah blah.

I am sorry she went through anything she did. I really am. I love my mom and I find it sad. I have long since forgiven her and her responsibility. I've moved past it- but she hasn't because she just can't accept the truth of it.

I guess I have just grown really sick and tired of a world where no one accepts responsibility for things. Likely this man, in jail, denies his actions. (i don't know whether he does or not.) My 12 year old lies and steals like she doesn't know any better but it's never her fault. My sister constantly puts herself above every one/thing in her life and never stops to think, and then winds up in the same positions and cries about how life is so hard to her and why does God let these things happen...

Why can't we own up to what we do?

Why do the Casey Anthony's of the world walk away? How? How do they?

Maybe it's what i've seen with my mom and the blame game, but I can't imagine letting another person take the blame for some hurt that I caused.

I just don't get it.

One...

2012-01-01T00:04:00.000-08:00

I can't even believe it, and yet- I absolutely can...

Another month, another year. Fresh start. Fresh breath.

Beginning...

While I feel content, mostly... Perhaps not as much as i would hope but far more than i was before- i find fingers crossed and hopes high at this thing known as january one.

first... first of something.

first of everything.

one. number one month, number one day to this newness that is not really anything very new at all- except for a clean calendar slate and well- let's face it- we all know what the Mayans said about that...

Leave it to me to get my junk figured out right before the timer dings...

Oh well.

I don't really subscribe to that anyway...

Me-

- I want, no scratch that... i NEED to read at least two books for me. Work aside... for me. I am a better me, a better woman and a far better writer when I read.

- I need to create. i have a list of paper projects, gift projects and a few slightly more daring furniture projects to work towards. Wish me luck?

- I plan to see. See the world through the lens of my canon. See films. See people. See life.

- live life.

- breathe. Through affirmations. through prayer. through yoga. through calming. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. {Please remind me, should I need it.}

- and of course- the obvious: WRITE. I must write. there is no "like to" or option here.

Capture-

- bowls of soup

- new drink and the year's first book

- icicles

- winter bundled children

- Kaileigh's bday

- the tree

- Chw's smooth newness

- our first meal, this year, as a family

- first snow of the year. (one way, or another)

- snuggles

Us-

- back to educating... Bittersweet. I'll look to sweet. I am blessed. I choose cherish.

- We'll think on Ecology and Conservation.

- We'll strive to manage. Manage time. Manage Money. Manage Goals and possessions.

- We are starting a new allowance system. I'm excited. Gen's excited. We're all excited really.

- Weekend away.

- Family dinners. Conversing. Love. Support.

- We delve into classic literature, again, together.

- We step out and make friends. We try new things. We journey. We cherish. We breathe. {Must continue remembering...}

- focus locally. local shops. local restaurants. businesses owned by people, who work in love for real people.

- community. outreach. volunteer. serve.

Heart-

- i forgive. Me. Others. Life. 2011. Me. Me. Me... Always me, me who damages the most.

- breathe.

- pray.

- read.

- love.

- community. outreach. volunteer. serve. {rinse and repeat...}

- sleep.

Home-

- organize for schooling. Creative, practical and simple spaces.

- stock up our tea supply. We've dwindled it down.

- discard the excessive.

- restock and organize pantry for better feeding of loved family.

- dance in the kitchen, laugh at the table. We need this, everyday.

- cook together.

- loosen the kitchen reins.

Health-

- no soda. none. I've done it before. I'm doing this again.

- cut back on wheat. a lot.

- swim.

- move. move in ways which help me love myself, not in ways in which I dread.

- sleep.

- breathe. {this is feeling repetitive.}

Love-

- hold hands.

- respect him. Consciously. Authentically.

- kiss.

- cook for him.

- fold his socks. {which i hate to do.}

- date him, and when we are dating- see him genuinely.

- listen to him.

- listen to him breathe.

- recognize, remember and respect that he needs him time too. not for work, not with us in tow.

Why hello, twenty-twelve...

2011-12-31T01:53:00.000-08:00

Not much of a fan of resolutions, I do like to give each year a theme and make a list of goals. {2009 was Simplicity, 2010 was Happiness, 2011 was living Authentically...}

If you've been reading here long, it probably won't surprise you that my theme for 2012 is:

Health

By health, of course, I mean body/spirit/mind/relationships...

After spending an entire week off, with Chw and the girls (granted, Amanda had to work, but I didn't- which was my point) i've been thinking a lot about my goals in the year to come. With one girl heading off for training education and adventure- and another one entering her teens- 2012 is sure to be a WILD ride of a year...

Me and my health:

- Cut back on wheat significantly, if not entirely.

- Be more proactive with my naturopath.

- lose at least one pound per week.

Personal:

- read, at least, one book a month FOR ME...

- spend quiet/personal/devotional time, daily.

- learn new things.

- proceed fearlessly.

- act intentionally, in everything.

Professional:

- Put an ending to Liar, and edit it.

- QUERY!!!

- Attend a Writer's Conference.

- Be more disciplined about clearly dividing my work-at-home time and my home time.

Financial:

- Pay down debt significantly.

- Increase my contributions.

- Give more, and regularly.

- Spend more thoughtfully/justifiably.

Marital:

- Plan with, dream with, talk with, pray with Chw- weekly.

- Retreat, for a weekend, over both anniversaries. (April and November)

- Conscience, constant efforts to respect him.

As a Mother:

- laugh with.

- pray for.
- once again, educate.

- make effort to bridge the distance gaps.

- make the in-present moments matter.

As for hopes, I really hope that 2012 holds-

- a book deal, (of course)!

- a vacation.

- time with all three of my kids, together, in one location.

- 365 days of everyone in my family remaining safe in body, heart and mind.
- less hardship and struggles than the last 3 years have held, for our family and extended family.

Do you have goals, hopes and plans for the new year?

What I have read, and loved...

2011-12-30T01:42:00.000-08:00

Between being a wife, a mom, sick for the second half of the year and staying pretty busy with freelancing and reading for work- I didn't have a lot of personal time for reading... When I did find time, {like over the summer when I read some really horrible books for books club} I often found myself disappointed. This is my (sadly small) list of books that I loved this year...

Alice Bliss by Laura Harrington {novel}

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp {memoir/Christian}

Dash and Lily's book of dares by Rachel Cohn, David Levithan

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

The Magic Room by Jeffrey Zaslow

The Magic Room...

2011-12-29T01:12:00.000-08:00

I was compensated for this BlogHer book club review, but the views expressed are all my own...

The Magic Room is tucked into the second floor of a small town Michigan bridal boutique known as Becker's Bridal. Once a bride-to-be has found the dress she loves, she is escorted to this room that is aesthetically designed to help her feel her most beautiful...

It's a lovely idea, this Magic Room, and it is the intended subject of Jeffrey Zaslow's latest book, of the same title. Reading, at first, like a compilation of various news interviews and columns, what the Magic Room becomes is a story about life and living. From the personal and heart breaking stories of the six Becker brides he focus's on, or the family tale of the Beckers themselves- the constant underlying theme to Jeffrey's latest work is life. Somehow he manages to captures the perspectives of every person he mentions, in a way that is not at all unfocused, even though it seems like it would be.

The early consumer reviews for the Magic Room don't seem very favorable. I tried not to let that little Amazon star rating affect my perspective as I sat down and cracked the cover. I am really glad I didn't because I fell deeply in love with this book. Perhaps I read it the way it's author intended it- or maybe I got something different. I don't know. I laughed with the funny, radiated a bit with the proud and beautiful and cried on multiple occasions with the heart ache. By the time I closed that back cover, I felt like I'd made 8 new friends and I knew that I wanted my daughter's donning dresses from Becker's Bridal- whenever their special days occurred...

The Magic Room is a beautiful story for mothers. It is a beautiful book for daughters. It is poetry written in real life and circumstance. It taught me more in the afternoon that I read it, than I have learned from a book in a really long time. I am really looking forward to sharing this book with you, and engaging in the weeks of discussions ahead...

Twenty Five...

2011-12-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

For seven days this blog has been blank.

For seven days i have played and have loved.

I've no excuse for such absence so to help you feel included-

snippets and tidbits of 25 Wagner Christmas moments...

1} Genny's peppermint truffles...

2} Amazing hot cocoa stirrers...

3} An array of homemade barks. {pictured is chocolate mint}

4} Snacks, and pumpkin chocolate chip bread...

5} Twirling in the kitchen at...

6} An impromptu Genny "hosted" kid little kid party..
7} With homemade pizza...

8} And delicious, real milk cocoa... {face paint optional}

9} Toys exploding everywhere...

10} a beyond amazing Ray Charles impersonator!

11} Wild and Crazy Genny led games. {Nearly neck breaking, literally, at times!}

12} Somehow making glittery leg warmers seem ultra bad ass...

13} Silly photo moments...

14} Super cute adorableness...

15} Forced puppy snuggling...

16} Patiently waiting for friends to stop by on Christmas Eve so we could open gifts...

17} Present time finally arriving...

18} Christmas morning pretty...

19} Christmas morning stockings...

20} The only thing I asked for... {and SWOON!}

21} Christmas brunch, (sadly, unphotographed)

22} Family tradition of seeing a movie... We saw this:

WE LOVED IT!!!!!

23} Christmas afternoon sleeping beauties... {Note the pepsi can}

{She counts... she just woke up. Ultra grumpy. Plus she's in a

sleeping beauty dress, so there.}

So, remember the Pepsi can? She moved, Pepsi did not spill BUT

Genny took it from her, and her hand stayed just as though

she were still holding it.

That Amanda, she's cute...

24} Major quality togetherness... {Can you believe Ky and Gen are less than a year apart???}

25} New pajamas all around...

AND ADDED BONUS:
A new bike!

So, how was your Christmas?

You spin me...

2011-12-20T01:48:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life...

Only maybe it spins a tad faster than that. OR, it just feels like it, when you're on the inside looking out. Either way, I pretty much feel like I am going to throw up now.

I would like for this to be the part where I say that I am proud to say we are once again a homeschooling family. Truth is though, I am not. I pretty much thing is sucks, to tell you the truth... But, at the end of the day above every other selfish and non-selfish station I hold in life- I am a mom. A mom who loves my kid enough to do what is best for her and allowing her to slowly self destruct is certainly not what was best for her.

She's pretty angry that it has come to this, but when she hugged me good night I couldn't help like she seemed a little relieved.

And maybe she is. it's all a lot of pressure for a PTSD/RAD kid... How do you go through the day of 7th grade drama, cat fights and multiple teachers when inside you are just aching for EVERYONE to love you- as is?

I want to scream at how it isn't fair. How I had just hit a good stride, work wise and was getting to a good stride writing... the, I wanted to shout for joy a little. Less likely to have so many germs.

I don't know... There is a sweet simplicity to a home life.

There are frustrations galore as well...

but then I remind myself that we tried something, (something that I swore wouldn't be a trial) and it didn't work... no harm done- no looking back- JUST MOVING FORWARD.

I am not scared, we've been here before...

But I am not excited either.

I love my daughter more than anything else- but these past few months I have grown to like her less and less. I hate to say that, but it's true and everyone in this house agrees.

Honestly, I'd be surprised if Genny herself didn't agree too. I don't thinking she much fancies who she's become- but I think she felt she had no other choice. Hopefully we can fix that...

In the meantime- round and round and round I go...

a touch of Christmas sadness...

2011-12-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

i'm watching the Bishop's Wife while catching up on some things computer related... Is it wrong that I want Cary Grant to win and I think her husband is a putz? Probably... Oh well. I don't care. Cary Grant will ALWAYS win, in my book...

Have I ever told you that for my golden birthday (28th) my husband threw me a 1950's style Cary Grant dinner party? It was AMAZING! Truly incredible... One of the best nights of my life, for sure...

My husband... He is quite the man. As sick as I have been, in the past 5 months, he really has been amazing to pick up the slack with pretty much NO HELP. He works tirelessly for a company that claims to notice, but doesn't seem to. He gives and gives and gives and truly remains the nicest and most giving guy.

My point is pretty much that my husband is my Christmas wish. That something good happens for him. Something really, really good. He deserves it. the last 4 years have been SO HARD on him and I see how much they've taken their toll on him. These days he is tired and my heart just breaks for him. It feels like nothing happens easily for him (especially where work is concerned- and as far as work goes- he's been moved into the position of work consuming 95% of his energy/time) and I see him getting more and more ready to just give up a bit. I hate the thought of him being in the position...

in a lot of ways the Bishop's Wife is making me think of that. Unlike her putz of a husband though, Chw is my leading man. Even if the angel of Cary Grant rang my door bell tomorrow- Chw is the one for me. I would express my heart for my husband though, and continue wishing that the corner to turn, is in site soon...

by the chimney with care...

2011-12-16T09:21:00.000-08:00

So yeah, that's a lie.

No chimney.

No fireplace at all, actually, much to my serious dismay...

We had an amazing stone fireplace/mantel when we lived in New York and then again, a beautiful marble fireplace and wooden mantel when we lived in Michigan.

Here in Idaho- we get zilch along the "stockings to hang" scheme of things...

Anyway, I don't spend a lot of money on Christmas decor. I find a piece that I really love and I'll add it to our "collection" (which is small.) This ICE (glass) valance and the advent calendar are my two FAVORITE things... {i love that star too. I do have a bitter one that hangs on the wall at Christmas time as well.}

And, not that I'm bitter or anything, but those of us who are mantel-less have to be creative and just pretend anyway...

And, even though the Army has him stuck in Germany, Lucas' stocking is hung by the- er, classic literature with care...

And lastly, more ever green garland, (which smells AMAZING, since we do an artificial tree) and snow flakes over our dining table...

Post note... i love dangling, glittery snow flakes. Just thought you should know that. :)

Oh Christmas Tree...

2011-12-14T01:01:00.000-08:00

If you've been reading Rainy Day in May long, you know that I love to throw parties... i especially love Christmas parties. When one isn't a practical solution, I at least opt for a good 1960's style cocktail/dinner party. This year though, with all of the sickness and some family issues- Chez' Wagner remains holiday party-less.

Le Sad...

The reality of this fully hit me when I realized that we would be decorating for essentially ourselves. Depressing, no?

I mean, what's the point?

Which is sad, and shows where my priorities are when it comes to such things...

So anyway, silly vanities and insecurities aside I decided to take the lemons of this particular holiday season and squeeze them into a nice rich glass of egg nog. In other words, as I blogger- i decided i'd share our decor {which plays out more on the minimal side of the spectrum} with you...

After my youngest grew out of the need for familiar ornaments upon the tree, we started getting a bit creative with how we adorn ours. Last year, at her request, we went a little crazy and bought a white artificial tree which we donned with pink and grey lovelies. This year we decided to make a black and white tree based on our year. We wrapped it in shimmering glass garlands, used black, white, grey and silver ornaments as a "back drop" for our focus ornaments- which were clear glass balls that we placed black and white photos of special 2011 moments...

Over all, we're pretty happy with how it turned out...

My inner interior designer is super OCD and I have to make sure that the gifts beneath the tree match our tree so all of our papers, this year are black and white, or red.

Besides our tree, there are only a few more things we adorn. I'll post them tomorrow...

Thanks for letting me share... :)

Winter's Tail...

2011-12-13T16:27:00.000-08:00

If you aren't familiar with the film Dolphin Tale, it is a beautifully crafted movie specifically about a young dolphin named Winter, whose tail is compromised in a freak accident and has to be removed. Throughout the journey, and against odds, Winter is given a prosthetic tail thus greatly increasing her quality of life and her odds of survival.

Not so specifically it is a story about attachment. It is a story about bonds. It is a story about love, and life, and will. It is not about inspiration- everything about it is simply inspiring...

So, are you with me now about how completely awesome this movie is?

Great, because here's the thing- the DVD is being released on the 21st and I've been asked to host a giveaway! You could win your own copy, and when I say I am jealous of this- i mean I am WAY jealous...

So, to enter, just leave a comment with a way to link back to you... The giveaway deadline is December 21st at 12:01 a.m.

Then, in the meantime, to get a Winter fix that will warm your heart, you can watch her lovely live webcam...

Cookies...

2011-12-12T01:43:00.000-08:00

So, maybe I had a half a dozen, or so, people disappointed to learn that I'm not technically a food blogger when they became acquainted with me through the Great Food Blogger Cookie Swap. I'm sorry if that's you... I heard about the swap, initially, on another (non-food) blog and my youngest daughter Genny emphatically felt that we should take on this challenge together.

Did you read that last word???

TOGETHER...

I am not a big fan of baking. I LOVE to cook, and I hear I do it well. I especially love to have people over and cook for them. Baking though, I don't know. I can make some beautiful coffee cakes and about 45 different (and equally perfect) cheesecakes. My baking confidence ends there though... i get nervous, and impatient.

Two things though, about this swap, intrigued me.

1} spending torturous time in the kitchen, baking a batch of cookies and ending up with three different kinds.

2} doing it with Gen.

It was not until after I received my first update email, from the swap, that it even dawned on me that it was a food blogger swap.

if there is anyway i can clause in as an honorary food blogger for the sheer reason that I subscribe to more food blogs than any other type- that would be swell.

Moving on...

Due to many unforeseeable events- our cookie making morning was not only pushed off until the last possible minute- BUT it also became MY cookie making morning. Genny was sick. I became depressed. It was all ugly and sad, but I survived and have lived to tell the tale- complete with photos and the recipe.

Chocolate Peppermint Crunch Cookies...

1/2 cup, plus 6 T. unsalted butter, softened.
3/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
1 t. vanilla
1 1/2 c. all purpose flour
1 t. baking soda
1/2 t. salt
3 cups old fashioned oats
1/2 c. chopped chocolate or chocolate chips
1/2 c. white chocolate peppermint morsels
1/4 c. chopped candy canes

Heat the oven to 350.

in a large bowl/mixer, cream butter and sugars.

Add eggs, one at a time, beating each until blended.

Mix in Vanilla.

Gently wisk dry ingredients (except oats and mix ins) together in a seperate bowl and then add to creamed mixture.

{this is when i checked on her and she was pasty, grey and deeply sad that she- who loves to bake- was in bed reading while I slaved away over tasty cookie dough in the kitchen. Life truly is not fair.}

Stir in the oats.

When the dough is well blended, add in the chocolate and candy pieces.

Drop dough by rounded spoonfuls on to ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake 8-10 minutes, or until golden.

While they baked and cooled, I made up little Christmas cards to accompany the cookies.

Ta da! Not so bad... Actually, this recipe is one of our family's FAVORITE Christmas cookies. I am not sure how fresh they stayed, or how well they shipped, but we love them here at home...

Also thought i'd share with you the blogs of the three amazing bakers who sent us DELICIOUS cookies! Kathy Can Cook, Girls Can Tell and My Fiance Likes it......

And the three bloggers who I sent to... CakeFYI, Urban Sacred Garden, and Azucar Means Sugar. {and yes, all things considered- I really was intimidated and sure my humble little cookies were far inferior to anything they make!}

Real quick...

2011-12-09T00:56:00.000-08:00

sorry for my silence, this week. It can be blamed on one giant episode of the stomach flu- which violently affected our entire household- and then turned into a massive migraine for me.

Sigh...

Plus, on top of make up work from the school Genny missed earlier this week, we had a drum concert and her winter band concerts to consume our evenings.

It's been a bit chaotic...

After the winter concert, last night though, we took the girls to fondue at our favorite local place- which is devastatingly closing later this month.

thought I'd share some photos...

It's my right to choose...

2011-12-01T07:34:00.000-08:00

This morning I logged on to facebook and saw more than one status update talking about how sad and alone that person was feeling. It made me sad...

We are entering into the loneliest and most hopelessly felt season of the year. People are facing divorces, unemployment, ailing parents/grandparents/children, foreclosure, their own failing health and deployment of a spouse or child and countless other sadnesses. I hate to know when people I care about are aching or feeling empty.

At the same time though, i logged on to comments on a silly facebook status that I had about my husband. Even though I'd been present for the 80+ comment conversation late last night, (as had Chw... it wasn't anything behind his back.) the major coolness of it hadn't really dawned on me until this morning. There we were, having this banter with friends from here in Idaho, a friend from Seattle, a friend from West Virginia and a friend from Germany. Even the biggest Facebook hater has to admit that is a pretty cool thing.

So, this morning as my heart weighs in with sadness for some, it felt a little light and upbeat leftover from last night's talk. And that's really how it works, though standing in the core of the sadness- it's kind of near to impossible to realize it. Those of us who've lost loved ones do find a way to live beyond it. People who lose jobs, do find them. People who are losing homes will be in that place only temporarily. I mean, while Chw and I are still FAR TOO jaded to consider buying a home- we have good friends from our old neighborhood who lost their home at the same exact time we did. They just closed on a great (HUGE) house... Sure, the other part sucked- but I think we have to remember that these hard times are but a season- as are the great ones. i think the most important thing is to remember we aren't alone. There are people who care- and even if we look around and see no one- there's ALWAYS Facebook. :)

That's my moral for the day. And great life circumstances or utterly crappy ones- today I am choosing to be happy. Happiness is a choice...

Sad and beautiful all at once...

2011-11-30T01:17:00.001-08:00

The evening before Thanksgiving, Chw took us to dinner. It was his noble gesture, knowing how exhausted I was from cooking. I was absolutely willing to take him on it...

I was so grateful for the break, and for someone else to do the cooking and cleaning for an evening that spirits were pretty high. Then, while Genny and I bantered about something that evades me now, I looked over into the restaurants party room and suddenly began to cry.

The party room had been rented for a girl's baby shower. In her early 20's, the young soon-to-be-mom was heavy with baby and absolutely radiating. The room was decorated with pink streamers, and atop the 8 tables there were scattered rattles and bottles for decor. Over all, it was a super cute shower complete with an adorable pink cake and a 2 table buffet line crammed full of homemade mexican food. The young momma sat in the room, chatting with 2 ladies- one I presumed was her mom. The other was obviously the one throwing the shower as about 15 minutes later- and checking her watch for the 40th time, she got up and grabbed the bucket she'd used to store her baby shower games...

Aside from those 2 people, no one had come to her shower.

I asked our waitress about it and she shared that the pregnant momma actually worked back in the kitchen. She said that it was really a sad thing because she was super supportive and always attending everything everyone else hosted, and that she knew for a fact that at least 12 "friends" had RSVP'd for this shower. And yet, no one showed. While our waitress told us that most of the girls on duty that night had brought in a little gift for her, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to point out that a handful of girls on a waitress salary aren't going to meet the needs this new mom has. And with the purpose of a baby shower being to shower that new mom with love- I'm thinking she didn't feel very loved as she sat staring at those empty and adorned tables in that suddenly enormous room.

My heart was so sad for her.

Her heart- on the other hand- at least on the outside, was fine.

She smiled and truly glowed up until she packed up her gifts and turned off the light...

A matter of persuasion...

2011-11-29T02:07:00.000-08:00

Actually, i don't carry a purse. I carry a handbag. I just think it sounds better. Purse is something one does with their lips when thinking, or criticizing... My best friend carries a pocketbook, which incidently is something I feel I carry in my handbag, to write in.

I'm special...

Anyway, last week when I got the last minute call to head down to the federal building where my daughter Amanda was swearing in for the Reserves, i made the rash decision to dump out my handbag so that it only contained my wallet and my canon rebel. You know, I take pictures of everything, and it just seemed easier when considering security.

Hours later, when we got home, Genny glances the bar where my handbags insides sat piled high and she laughed- "Is that what came out of your purse? Really? You should kinda tone it down to one or two of each."

I totally see what she's saying...

*DISCLAIMER... I am moderately embarrassed... I feel like this post leaves my OCD tendencies completely vulnerable- until the last photo anyway, when I have a ridiculous amount of unnoticed hair lingering on my hair tie... *sigh*

Better safe than sorry, right?

What do you A) call your handbag, and B) carry too much of, wherever you go?

when the gobble is gone...

2011-11-27T19:06:00.000-08:00

We truly had a beautiful four day weekend to be thankful for. The sun was shining, spirits were overall high and I, personally, found myself sitting back on multiple occasions- reflecting on how truly blessed my life is...

For dinner, on Thursday, we had my sister and her kids, Amanda's biological sister Bekah (who is very much a beautiful part of our family! We adore her!) and Amanda's good friend Zach too. It was small compared to what we are used to, but really lovely. Aside from the youngest kids running around and playing, it was quiet too- which was needed.

So grateful...

Chw and I went out, at four in the morning, on a Black Friday mission. Half was to capture an amazing deal, that was NOT captured. I did however decide I probably won't be shopping at our local Michaels ever again. We did manage a few deals, pick up a few gifts and enter a drawing for an iPad. I'm secretly keeping my fingers crossed while he is being uncharacteristically naive about the whole thing. *smile*

On Saturday Chw's best friend (since he was about 7) and his wife were in town and we got to hang out with them. We went to lunch, hung out for a good amount of time and saw a movie. While I have no photos, (*frown*) I can say we loved seeing them...

Sidenote- while we were hanging with them, our good friend had the fortune of selling hunting tags to Matthew Fox and his brother. She is one lucky girl...

Other Sidenote- I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Muppets! GREAT movie!

All in all, a lovely weekend... Today was a bit family rocky, but whatever- at least the holiday wasn't... Nothing quite drastic enough to dampen my gratitude...

Right now I am grateful that school resumes tomorrow...

How was your Thanksgiving?

The G word...

2011-11-23T01:29:00.000-08:00

Intentionally...

ALWAYS...

Regardless of life's current circumstances...

Happiness, Peace, Growth and fulfillment all rest within

the Gratitude...

Be Grateful...

I am.

2011-11-22T03:27:00.000-08:00

While browsing do you ever just stumble across something that absolutely changes or challenges the way you currently do things? I am a big meal planner. I've talked about that before. I love the process of it, love the recipe searches, etc.

What I haven't really talked about though, is life. How life kind of complicates meal planning sometimes. How unexpected plans result in take out, or a migraine of mine inspires my husband to make something completely different and simple- and honestly after a day full of working I don't blame him. What happens though, is that things inevitably waste.

It's sad.

It isn't prudent. It certainly is not practical...

And then, one afternoon last week I came across this post in my reader. It's amazing...

Call me naive but I feel like this is the post that could change the entire way that my days function. The amount of time it frees up almost gave me chills.

Yes, I am dead serious...

After Thanksgiving- (because I am the girl who needs time to change- time to adapt to such things... And because I ordered the book and I need it to arrive) or maybe before, if the copy i requested through the Library comes in...

I am excited though, because it is flexible...

It will waste less.

It sounds like the perfect compromise between cooking, and not...

It sounds simple.

God knows my life needs a lot more simple...

What are your thoughts on the plan?

If you were to adapt a similar domestic strategy, what staple items would you always have on hand, in the freezer/pantry?

Have a Little Faith...

2011-11-21T01:19:00.000-08:00

Our family had the privilege of screening the newest Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, based on Mitch Albom's Have a Little Faith. We nestled down with our blankets and our Poppycock, ready to see something heartwarming and family friendly...

When Albom's 82 year old former rabbi approaches him, at a book signing, and asks him to write and deliver his eulogy- Mitch's life begins to change in insurmountable ways. Having drifted from his Jewish religion, Mitch feels overwhelmed and inadequate for such a task. Still though, in searching for why the rabbi would ask him in the first place- Mitch begins to spend time probing and getting to know the man behind the rabbi he revered and feared as boy. The more their relationship grows and old man speaks of life and love and doing things for others- the more Mitch himself begins to see that a change is necessary in him. As a sports writer for the Detroit Free Press, where sports had replaced his childhood instilled need for religion, Mitch begins to see that maybe there is a hole in his life that hasn't been filled. Enter God...

Parallel to Mitch's building relationship with his rabbi, there is the history of Henry Covington. As a boy in the projects of Brooklyn, Henry was taught to love Jesus as well as the fine art of hustling. Growing up poor and being broken more and more by the hardness of life- Henry's path led him down a rough road. Eventually his choices got the better of him and one night he finally saw his life for the hopeless mess he'd made it. Completely broken and empty and on the verge of death- Henry finally prayed for his life to be spared. Enter God...

Weaving back and forth between Henry's past and Mitch's present, the film shows us two completely different lives. Race. Religion. Backgrounds. Everything... And yet, the two of them come together despite all odds, and amazing friendship -which affects the lives of countless people- is born.

In a poignant way, Have a Little Faith teaches us the importance of breaking down stereotype barriers and loving people- no matter what. Despite the details of the two faiths this film chronicles, it isn't a movie about religion at all. It is a film about faith in ourselves and others, a story about friendship and love... It is a true story to encourage us that it's never too hopeless, or too late, to get up and fix our lives. It is a beautiful story full of hope and encouragement. I can't encourage you enough to watch it when it airs on ABC, on Sunday the 27th.

In correlation with the film airing this Sunday, I have been given the opportunity to host a giveaway for Mitch's book Have a Little Faith. To enter, simply leave a comment...

Can I get a side of vampy cheesiness...

2011-11-18T08:47:00.000-08:00

We get to the theater last night, many hours too early, to find that there is already a fairly significant line for Breaking Dawn. We always buy the midnight tickets and we always forget what a hassle the line part is, on both the body and the nerves, until we get in the position to once again stand in it.

In less than three minutes we are moderately annoyed by the bizzaro middle school behavior emerging from adults, so when an usher steps to the front of the line and announces that if you purchase tickets to ANY movie, they'll let you keep your seats- we purchased tickets to the next showing.

Incidentally that was Paranormal Activity 3. SQUEE... I was a big chicken as Chw and i made up the entire audience of that showing. At any rate- I survived and had an ultra comfy reclining seat to show for it. IN FACT, we were scheduled to see BD with friends and when they arrived the manager USHERED them past the line, and into our theater. How cool is that? Like they were celebrities- all because we bought tickets to a movie.

Definitely recommend doing that the next time.

In other news, unfortunately PA3 was the first movie we paid full price for tickets to, in probably 3 years. Ouch...

As for Breaking Dawn, My official assessment would be that-

-the music is awkward more often than not THOUGH I loved the wedding music. It was a mostly instrumental compilation of music from the other 3 films- which i adored. It is the little details that count, you know...

- the first 20ish minutes are ULTRA cheesy, to the nauseating degree.

- the rest of the movie is actually really fantastic.

- yes, i hated to the book and enjoyed the movie- odd...

- they did an amazing job with Kstew...

- Kstew outdid herself and did a great job too. (shock, shock)

- TL should have kept the facial hair.

- I more than enjoyed it, i loved it. Can't wait for part 2.

- The end...

So, have you seen it?

Sea Change...

2011-11-16T20:21:00.000-08:00

Blogher Book Club's newest title is Sea Change by Jeremy Page. I was compensated for this blogher book club review, but all views and opinions expressed are my own.

Guy and his wife Judy form two thirds of a perfectly raw and honest family unit. Together with their four year old only daughter Freya they spend their days caught up in moments and seeking adventure- noticing the art in life's little details and cherishing the beauty that is what they have. Their worlds each wrapped up in the other's, that is, until one such adventure leads them unexpectedly into tragedy.

Motivated by grief at what Guy perceives as the loss of everything, he takes to a life of solitude at sea. There among the waves and his solace, each night as the sun goes down it is within the pages of his diary that Guy's life truly lives as he weaves the story of what his perfect little family of threes life may have been like- had that tragic incident not occurred.

Jeremy Page crafts a story that has such beautifully painted imagery that the reader,( in this case myself) couldn't help but be swept up in. Knowing virtually nothing about boats, life at sea or anything else relating to such things- Jeremy wrote in such a way that i felt i did. Drifting along, between Guy's reality and fantasy lives it was so easy to connect with his character in an empathetic and personal way.

Truly, every page in this books captivated me so completely. Weather I found myself caught off guard by a turn in the story or not- I loved the writing and the vivid detail, and human honesty so much that it all just came together perfectly. The way this story unfolds, poetically unpredictable proves that Jeremy Page is master among writers...

Have a little faith...

2011-11-16T13:04:00.000-08:00

There are foods and smells and all sorts of warm cozies that the holiday season brings about- which the majority of us find endearing. Around our house though, it honestly is the approach of Thanksgiving which gives us the warm fuzzies because we know that holiday movies are within reach.

We Wagners love a good holiday movie!

Have you read the book Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom? I haven't, but it is on my reading to-do list. Before I ever got the chance though, Hallmark snagged it up and made it into a holiday movie.

Have you caught the trailer yet?

Here...

Amazing, right?

Chills? For me, a little bit. Especially at the line "I came here for you but I kept coming back for me."

I for one can't wait to see this movie.

What do you think?

Do you love holiday movies? What is your favorite?

Stubborn...

2011-11-16T01:06:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to talk about how my daughter doesn't listen. The same could be said for how i talk about my puppy too. The ironic thing is that they are both, dog and daughter, ridiculously smart. RIDICULOUSLY SMART, and yet there are things that I suspect they are simply unwilling to learn and/or obey...

And it is so frustrating. So incredibly frustrating, and I sit back and judge both of their infuriating stubborness...

Then, today, when i raised my voice at the wicked little puppy for the 47th time before noon- it hit me: I am no different. (well, minus the ridiculously smart part. This dog is WAY smarter than I am.) I learn the same things over and over- and yet, I am constantly in need of the same lessons again. I know what i need to do in regards to the areas of my life like financial, work/writing, home, laundry, relationships, etc- and yet.

And yet...

*sigh*

Eh...

2011-11-15T01:43:00.000-08:00

Usually, at this time of year i am knee deep in cookbooks and recipes, planning our Thanksgiving meal. For several years I hosted close to 30 (or over 30, one year) people in our small house. It was close knit and delicious. Last year we mixed things up a bit and decided to spend the week between Phoenix and New Mexico with family. I once again cooked, (smaller crowd) and we had a great time though the winter travel wasn't at all ideal...

This year, with the very real possibility of my sister and her family being up north, we're entertaining the possibility of the four of us spending the day at one of our family's favorite restaurants and then going to a movie.

I kinda love it, actually...

Since I got over my nearly three month affair with pneumonia, (Scandalous!) I've been trying out a lot of new recipes and just trying to cook and be creative more days in a week than not- so that part of Thanksgiving just isn't interesting to me this year.

What are your plans? Do you judge us for thinking or restauranting it? (nothing is certain, plans could change any moment.)

Oh, snap...

2011-11-14T01:48:00.000-08:00

"I used to take pictures all of the time."

"What happened?"

"Started getting paid for it and suddenly it wasn't fun anymore."

{Dialogue from Catch and Release}

SO TRUE...

I completely relate...

Print sold at Monster Gallery on Etsy

Unexpected...

2011-11-11T07:14:00.000-08:00

I decided to take part, this morning, in Gypsy Mama's 5 Minute Friday...

GO...

Through pregnancy tests and losses-

through ultrasounds and clean up surgeries-

through increasingly cautious joy and broken hearts- I never imagined...

I would hear it- God has a plan. And I would believe.

I knew, on that day 11 years and 19 days ago when my womb was no longer even in me- that God's plan did not involve a baby of my own.

Less broken hearted than the loss of a child, I still ached. I also still believed. Believed in God's plan. His unforeseeable plan that I could not even imagine.

And then, there they were...

Unexpectedly before me, all I had to do was look up, and there were beautiful faces and voices, laughter and smiles filling my hole bored heart.

And life changed.

No more was I my own, could I be mine.

Without looking for signs and proof I knew that, no matter how steep the climb or tough the interference, these were meant to be mine and I loved them as if they were, as if they had always been.

That's the beauty of the walk- the journey. We feel our heart's aches- and God hears them. God weaves these dreams together in ways that we could never design and gives us moments and memories unexpected and glorious.

And those moments, for me, are my kids...

END.

Tin... Ten... Rings...

2011-11-10T00:13:00.000-08:00

It is a bit of a backwards world we live in when the honorable gift for ten years of busting one's proverbial ass in a reconciled marriage, while also becoming parents (HARDEST JOB EVER!) and all through a craptastic economy too, is symbolized in tin and/or aluminum.

Because, you know, what deserves a gigantic ball of wadded up Reynold's wrap? That run on sentence, and NOT my marriage...

That's ok though. I mean, it is a completely acceptable gift for one naive 18 year old to give another naive 18 year old a ridiculously overpriced diamond, which they likely went into debt for... But ten year anniversary of your trip to hell and back? Tin-foil. Boo. Boo you, tradition. Boo you! {Think hag in the Princess Bride because THAT is what I was going for...}

My awesome husband took me to a super delish, fancy schmancy dinner and later closed the evening with an ultra romantic dessert of fondue at my all time favorite place with it's super sexy lighting and ambiance. It was a great night. It was tin free. And Aluminum free. In fact, had our waiter attempted to bring us our leftovers in the shape of a foil crafted swan, I would have thrown it in his face and demanded Styrofoam because I respect my marriage that much...

In our nearly eighteen years (total) of marriage though, we've never given ourselves gifts. It never felt a priority. Wait, this is not true. Back in 2007 when Chw and I were in the midst of the great Anniversary date debate- {meaning I believed we should celebrate our initial date and he wanted our reconciliation date- end result being never celebrating anything...} and he tried to woo me to his side with fancy gifts like roses and T & Co. jewelry... I played fair though, and gave him nothing and I won anyway. Well, technically we both won. In the manner of fairness, we chose that year to begin to celebrate on both dates... {only moderately embarrassed that it took us six years to get to that point.}

Anyway, the whole entire, convoluted point of this post was to tell you that we replaced our wedding rings this year. I realize how wonderfully expensive that sounds, especially following the mention of my T & Co. necklace... Alas', I LOVE our rings, and they were anything but expensive.

"I am yours..."

"You & Me"

{and on the inside, "Always"}

But they are unique, super cool, handmade and best of all- we can be certain no one's life was lost in the making of said rings. :) I LOVE THEM!!!!

My honey, my baby- don't put my love upon no shelf...

2011-11-09T01:04:00.000-08:00

If you read yesterday, you surely know about Girl's proposal adventures...

This tale picks years after the wedding in the old church. Years after Boy and Girl found a cozy cottage to make their home. Quite some time, in fact, after Boy decided to leave Girl and things turned again flat.

Flat and lonely.

And Girl grew up, and found herself. She learned that she loved things (like Death Cab for Cutie and hot dogs at baseball games.) Girl learned to be happy, for happiness sake and not because someone else loved, wanted or needed her or her milk...

But Boy came back and things got better. Boy Boy and Girl realized happily ever after isn't real, and both Boy and Girl learned to appreciate that. And in time, they decided to get married again. Together they ring shopped, wanting a fresh start. Together they were discouraged by cost versus quality- and what it all meant in the long run anyway. They wanted to focus on the important things, not the superficial so finally they chose the best quality set- for the lowest price. Boy proposed by kneeling at her doorstep, the new ring hidden within a rose.

Both Boy and Girl truthfully hated the new rings. They were ugly and represented nothing about them. Still though, they reminded each other about true beauty, love and gratitude. Secretly though, one January day when a band of thieves in the grand forest (we'll just call it Las Angeles, you know, hypothetically) robbed Girl of her wedding set- she was a little relieved. While she loved Boy with her whole heart, she'd felt wicked and superficial despising the rings and was glad they were gone.

Also secretly, though he'd never say it- Girl suspected Boy was jealous that his wedding band hadn't been stolen too...

That's when she told me the story 'bout free milk and the cow...

2011-11-08T02:43:00.000-08:00

Girl picked out her own engagement ring.

At seventeen years of age, swept up in the romantic idea of belonging to someone as amazing as boy, it was so easy to be naive about everything that lay ahead. When Girl's family and friends remarked that she shouldn't even see the ring before the great-big-secret proposal, Girl laughed heartily at their old fashioned ways...

Boy took girl to the location of their very first date, and popped the question. Girl said yes, of course. Girl happily wore the ring she'd chosen, though secretly she felt like everything suddenly felt flat. Flat proposal. Flat ring. Flat. Where was the elation, the wonder, the magic? Certainly not there in that dollar theater- (hey, Boy and Girl were poor college students, where'd you think their first date would be?) and certainly in the although beautiful diamond ring which she'd picked out.

Flat.

Bickering began between them soon there after. Their once seemingly cozy village felt suffocating. Also, no one had ever really talked to Girl about the story regarding free milk and the cow. Though she knew her small world encouraged no sharing of her cow's milk until after she was wed- she never understood why, so since she loved boy she generously shared milk and let's just say- Boy was not lactose intolerant.

Eh hem... anyway, the bickering turned to fighting, the fighting turned to breaking up and suddenly everything that had felt flat and nothing at all like the movies or books described- was finally gone.

Lot's of things happened to lead to weeks and weeks down the road, when Girl and friend had gone to a program in an old, historic church where Girl dreamed of being a bride someday. With friends of his own, (conspiracy?) Boy ended up there too.

Throughout the program, Boy and Girl found eye contact before sitting beside each other.

They found sitting beside each other before I'm sorry.

They found I am sorry before he took her hand and slipped into her palm a little note. There, drawn at the top of the note was her ring. Below it, simply said "Marry me?" Beneath that were two boxes, one for yes and one for no.

And there they were... The elation, the magic and the wonder.

Girl glowed!

Girl checked yes...

Whack...

2011-11-07T01:07:00.000-08:00

These days I am forced to think about the small moments as the most important ones. I feel like, in every area of my life there is some sort of issue. There isn't a relationship, aside from my marriage, that is going smoothly- and this makes me sad. I get frustrated and I just feel suffocation, like it's all out of control and coming to an end...

But then, the sunlight streams through the trees in that gleaming way which screams reassurance. Not reassurance in one thing, but just something reassuringly beautiful.

And I'll take it.

I'll hold it so close to my heart that my chest becomes it's home- and I will return my palm to it every time the outside life makes me want to kick and scream and cry.

I decided today that I'm going to do that, this week, hide myself in the little things. In the wonders and the minutes that surprise me sweetly. The big things are ugly today, and tomorrow too... Not forever, but for awhile, and if I think about that- I can't handle it...

So, right now, it is the little things. The candy covered ground, flecked with pinata fragments- that's where you'll find me. Which is ok, because if I stand up- I am likely to get hit upside the head with the swinging bat.

Candy is way better...

Bieber gossip to dish, that makes my heart bleed...

2011-11-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

I don't really listen to celebrity gossip. I don't read the magazines, I don't watch the shows. I'll have friends telling me so and so cheated on their spouses, etc- and for the most part I'll tune it out. Over the years that I worked more deeply in that industry, I just found it BEST to ignore the junk, and I still like to.

That being said, while listening to political radio on friday I learned about this Justin Bieber baby incident. As details of the story spilled out, my blood ran cold. Not because I totally love and adore him, (though I won't lie- I do like him) but because the whole situation sits far too close to home for my comfort...

Let me explain...

On one hand you have the possibility that he is the baby daddy. While I'm not being naive about this, I will say that I am pretty sure he isn't- BUT- whether he could or couldn't be is not what this post is about. This post is about her, Mariah Yeater. While people all over the internet are going on and on about how she's never held down a job, lives off of state assistance and is a high school drop out- i am not going to go there either... Let's just say that hypothetically, she's lying. Maybe she wants a bit of fame. Maybe she craves the attention. Maybe she thinks this will somehow make her rich, or at the very least- bring on a bit of cash. Possible motives aside, we are assuming- hypothetically- that she's lying...

By defending this lie, Mariah Yeater risks imprisonment for statutory rape. IMPRISONMENT!

By defending this lie, Mariah Yeater risks losing her son permanently.

By defending this lie, Mariah Yeater risks labeling herself a registered sex offender.

Since we are taking the stance, hypothetically, that she's lying- the DNA test she requested will prove she's lying. There is no good outcome to this situation...

And yet, she swears she is telling the truth. She's been caught, red handed, with her hand in the cookie jar and a whole mess of crumbs on her mouth- yet she insists she didn't take them.

While, what likely happened is that maybe she's not the brightest Oreo in the package and she assumed because Bieber is famous (and rich) that he messes around. She probably rented the movie and decided, upon watching it, that since her favorite color is purple too- that she should have half his money. She probably thought that he would be so ready to shut her up that he'd just pay her to be quiet. But that didn't happen... And no matter how badly this ship's going down- she is going to psychotically pretend it isn't...

wondering where i'm going with this? Those of you who have seen my daily, non-blog life have likely already figured it out.

Mariah Yeater is a frightening 8 yr-glimpse-in the future of my Genny.

My Genny the pathological liar who, although insanely brilliant, doesn't think through the consequences of her decisions and then pretends forever that she's telling the truth when she denies her choice.

This girl scares me.

This idea of a girl scares me.

That my daughter could be that girl, terrifies me.

And to the newsanchor who actually asked "what does this girl have to gain by lying and causing such a big stir?" I answer- I don't know...

But please, when someone (anyone) figures it out- let me know...

bossy...

2011-11-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

Slow week, and rather than blogging I need to be doing a trillion other things so, thought I'd just do it this way...

- Have you entered the Little Angels Giveaway???? No? Do!

- Have you seen this movie yet? It just went to our dollar theater here and I STRONGLY recommend- wherever you are, go see it. it's a feel good/encouraging movie. SEE IT!

- I know I've been covering several things lately- I'm sorry... Several projects happened at once, but that's winding down. FORGIVE ME?!?!

- Have you ever had this pasta sauce??? Those of you who are veggie squeamish- don't be. It's A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!! Seriously... And seasonally, it's at Costco. And did i mention amazing? We used it last year and then it went away and we second guessed, could it really have been as good as we remembered?

Heck yes, it was...

TRY IT!

- I did not win this, in the giveaway that thousands of people joined. I was a bit sad. That being said- it tops my Santa Wishlist because WOW, is it amazing... (MORE amazing than the sauce...) I won't tell you to buy it for me, that's just wrong... Besides, Santa will. Won't he? Maybe just cross your fingers for me. :)

- Are you doing anything creative this weekend? What? SHARE!

Enough of the bossiness, I need to walk away from the computer now and actually do something...

Theodora- Actress, Empress, whore... {A review}

2011-11-03T01:28:00.000-07:00

The most recent title in Blogher's book club is Theodora by Stella Duffy. This is was a paid review for Blogher Book Club, but the opinions expressed here are entirely my own.

Literally raised to be a child prostitute, Theodora ofConstantinople’s story takes her from those tragic beginnings to becoming the empress of Rome and achieving Sainthood.While it is quite the story, very little is actually known about the real life ofTheodora. The things in which author Stella Duffy’s mind imagined beingTheodora’s life left me disturbed. I really struggled with whether or not tostart this post on that note, but here I am. I just couldn’t paint adeceitfully pretty image of a novel that left me a little scarred.

Throughout the course of her life, the loss of Theodora’s beartrainer father leaves a predominant hole within her. At age 5 though, when sheis placed in the care of eunuch Menander, along with her sisters- she begins toreconcile that aching absence with Menander’s harsh abuses and disapproval.Menander’s purpose is to train the girls in his care to be actresses.Unfortunately, actresses bore little resemblance to what we know and were actually highly sexualized acrobatic dancers- (ofsorts) who were used alluringly to entertain men visually until the ripe oldage of 12 {TWELVE!!!} when they were ready to entertain them privately. You know, in their bedrooms…

And so her story goes from bad to worse. She neglects her owneventual child, experiences tragic losses, whores herself out to anyone (including minors) to further herown desires. She steals, she lies, she manipulates, she has a freakish amountof overly detailed sex and all for the glory of what- religious advancementpolitically? I don’t know… Every time I sat down to this book I felt ill. Maybethe incidents overly adjective consumed, are mirror images of a past culture.If they are, I don’t want to know. Call me naïve, but as the mom of a younggirl- and as a woman who was sexually abused as a child- this book deeplyoffended me. The idea that Theodora would be connected to Menander for thewhole of her life, and seeking still for his in life AND beyond the grave approval just ate at me. Although I do empathize with her upbringing and the strong will she seemedto develop as a result- I felt nothing about her character to be relatable ormore than one dimension-ally corrupt.

Critically, here is where I am at with this book- in Duffy’sattempt to write a work of historical fiction, I feel she fell incrediblyshort. Her dialogue and descriptions are more infused with modern dialect of anAmerican era than anything historically based. Vulgarities and profanities areoffensively stuffed throughout the pages of this novel in ways far more crassand vulgar than I would expect in any historical book- even one with content such as this. Which leads me to my next criticism in regards to the writingin/of this novel- the story. Though based more out of Duffy’s imagination thananything fully concrete- as a writer I can’t help wonder why anyone would wantto tell this story at all. Obviously I am not the author, or any of the peoplequoted with their acclaim for this work of hers. I am however a woman, in anera where I thought we were trying to become better examples for future generationsof women- proving that they do not have to whore themselves out to besuccessful. Spottlighting successful and strong women for others, as well as the growing generations of girls would take me far from Theodora's direction...

The fictional character of Theodora, (inspired by the realTheodora of Constantinople) is a non-redemptive and horrible person. I turnedpage after page, truly expecting every ugly detail to be stepping blocks forsome major moment and some incredible redemption. One never came- and as for the big, life changing momentTheodora experiences- it somehow only served to offend me more.

I am not a prude in life, in film or in the books I read. Thatbeing said though, this book was too much and I could never recommend anothersoul sit through it.

Little Angels... {A giveaway...}

2011-11-02T01:21:00.000-07:00

Some time ago I learned about this new educational Christian DVD series that is being geared towards preschoolers, called Little Angels. The premise of the show is that preschool twins Zoe and Alex have 8 little angels who live with them and guide them throughout their days as they learn and grow. It is very cute, and very smart. Honestly, I felt the dialogue of the preschool twins was a little large. As they spoke, the first time I watched, I was certain they must have been 6 or 7 instead of preschool aged. This was an element that I decided I really liked though, because it allowed children the opportunity to grow with the characters.

I was given the chance to sample it and I decided, what better way to do that then with a varying age range of kids? My sweet little test audience consisted of a two year old, a five year old, a six year old, a seven year old and my twelve year old, a bit begrudgingly.

The two year old LOVED it. Granted, she understood very little of what was going on within the developing story but I believe the simplicity of the animation attracted her. Every time one of the Little Angels would appear, she would clap and say Angel!
The five, six and seven year-olds did not grow bored, as I feared they might. They were engaged in the story and laughed, which was good. We talked about it afterwards and they each were able to communicate moments and things the episode had talked about.
My twelve year old was obviously beyond the video intellectually- HOWEVER, it held her attention, which surprised me.

Roma Downey (of Touched By An Angel fame) is the executive producer, and I loved watching the commentary about why she felt this product was important and the responsibilities we (as parents) have towards helping our children learn. {Even in something as simply as a DVD, I believe it's important for the creators and parents to come from the same place- what is best for the child.} Also, this series is written by Phil Lollar, who is the co-creator of Adventures in Odessey, which is one of Genny's absolute favorite things. Having been something special in my youth as well as my kids', this was an added bonus.

Over all, i LOVED it. In comparison to other Christian shows geared towards this age range- I found it fresh. The songs are catchy in a smart and non-annoying way. Just really a great series for your preschool to kindergartners!

Releasing yesterday, the first two DVDs and CDs are now available to purchase, HOWEVER- Grace Hill Media very generously offered to host a Little Angels giveaway for my readers! To enter, simply leave a comment with either an email address and a link back so I can get in touch with you if you win. If you post about this giveaway on facebook, google + or twitter, leave an ADDITIONAL COMMENT FOR EACH, with the time stamp, for extra entries.

This giveaway will run until 12:01 a.m. on Monday November 7th, so be sure to enter...

Last friday night...

2011-10-31T01:40:00.000-07:00

Last Friday night was not as epic as Katie Perry would have one believe.

Well, it was pretty epic, but certainly not in a good way. Several of you eagerly awaited details of Genny's seventh grade romance and their adventure at the Halloween dance, and I appreciate it. The notes I received, over the weekend, following up on her excitement should have made me smile. Conversing with a friend (and my husband) on Friday, I pointed out how strangely similar Genny's life was panning out to that in the plot of a John Hughes film. The nontraditional girl is pursued by the popular boy and suddenly all of her dreams come true. As of late, Gen's stories depicted her with characteristics of boldness and confidence that aren't usually synonymous with her behavior, or the Genny we know for that matter. While it seems like instances of mean girls and dreamy boys would do the opposite of making someone react more strongly- I had no choice to believe her tales...

The truth is though, none of what she has said is true.

School has been one giant illusion and though that is only the tip of the iceberg, in regards to our situation, that is as far as I'll delve on this blog. There is no boy friend. There was no romance.

Pretty much, it's complicated... And let me clarify, by it, i do NOT mean their relationship. There is, nor was there ever, any relationship. This boy was not even in attendance- though she truly believes he was. She can tell you what he said to her, what his hand felt like in hers and what he wore- in GREAT detail.

*sigh*

Last Friday night was not a great night, but it was a good one. Not great in that it was hard, and sad and composed of the stuff real life is. But good in the way in which real life is- raw and relevant and earthy. We love Genny and even the ugly, scary stuff is the stuff we need to know. We need it know it all so that we can love her through it... She certainly won't blossom into a whole and healthy person if we bail on her too and God knows this RAD-venture has taught us a lot about people who bail.

So, here's to next Friday night- and the one after that... Epic fun... Laughter. And even when there isn't, even when life gets in the way- may there ALWAYS be love...

This friday night...

2011-10-28T02:41:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday!

Boy, it has been a BIG week around our neck of the subdivision...

The boy whom Gen has been head over heals for, since the beginning of school, has asked her to be his girlfriend. Let me back up and explain.

We'll call him P.

He's that boy... the boy the girls like. Mr. Personality, yet sensitive. Mr. Stop you in the hall because he genuinely wants to know how your weekend went.

Yes, in 7th grade.

It has been a daily journey, with P. We hear details of every interaction they have- EVERY DAY...

Genny saw P WAYYYY Up there, while she was WAYYYYYY below. Sad really.

To say she was shocked that he asked her "out" is an understatement...

We gave her permission to attend the Halloween dance because we know several of the chaperones, and because it is in the afternoon. She is going with P.

She is BESIDE herself with giddiness...

She also got a drastic pixie cut, and she pulls it off amazingly.

In another news, my naturopath is a miracle worker... I am beyond grateful.(And WELL, after 10 weeks!) Feeling about as giddy as Gen.

And lastly, the Shutterfly give away has come to a close. CONGRATULATIONS to our winners Ange, Angel and Kel!!! I have a few other great giveaways coming up just around the corner so be sure to stay tuned...

Zombie Princess...

2011-10-25T01:06:00.000-07:00

I've blogged before about the special characteristics of my youngest. As much as we can't ever understand her RAD condition- we do understand her RAD. We get that- as complicated as it is- it influences her in caged-animal ways.

These days are tough.

I am trying to so hard to examine her with grace. I really am trying hard.

But things are getting ugly.

For Halloween she wants to be a Zombie bride.

These days she is resembling more of Zombie princess...

that which shapes us...

2011-10-24T03:44:00.000-07:00

She has been in school for months now. I say months because it has definitely been more than one. Truthfully, it feels as though she has been in school forever. Mostly though, this has nothing to with her and everything to do with me as I came down with this hellish illness shortly after the school term started...

Anyhow...

What I'm here to talk about is love. Young love.

About two weeks after Gen started this new school, a wickedly cruel fellow seventh grad boy decided to target her in his acts of meanness. It started by calling her a fly and shooing at her. After some time things evolved and he began gagging himself whenever she was near. He'd look at her (in their many classes together) and simulate vomiting saying it's her ugliness that makes him sick. His tormenting became more persistent. He discussed her hair legs and how they were like that of an ape. Ape legs, ape legs... He remarked on the space between her teeth. 50 foot gap, he said. 50 foot Genny...

And on and on it went.

Daily she met me at the car in sobbing tears... Stupid, cruel boy.

Conferences occurred. I was frustrated. At one point he was continuing his abuses in her last period of the day. She was crying, asking him to stop. The teacher did not intervene, but rather ignore. Finally Genny turned around to this S.C. boy and "SHUT UP!"

The teacher did NOT ignore this. He gave her detention. When she tearfully tried to explain about S.C. boy, giving the teacher complete benefit of the doubt that he hadn't heard- he yelled at her. It was at this point that a friend stepped in and intervened on her behalf- and the friend also got detention.

It was at this point in which i was done.

Things got better quickly. His forced apology seemed to help him be nicer. For two weeks he has been civilly nice to my daughter. The principal had told Genny that perhaps he did these things because he liked her. On Friday, these 2 weeks later, when he approached her and asked her to the Halloween dance- this was confirmed.

Factually I should point out she is more than likely not attending said dance. Not for any reason other than the fact that she has adopted the behavior of very poor judgement. Regardless of who is present, when she feels like making a poor or unwise decision, she does. She cares nothing for the consequences. We have grown incredibly weary of such things, so she's on a bit of a restricted regimen. Of course this is actually because we are wickedly evil parents and she leads a horribly sad and oppressed life... (you know, what with her cable tv, ipod touch, cool art school upbringing and all. Poor thing. have I mentioned she eats two breakfasts on week days? Who can live under such poor conditions?)

The point though, is that she wants to say "yes." Yes that she'd go with him, if she was going. Which she is not. Yes.

I am still appalled. I get the whole middleschool boy- picks on girl which he's crushing- way of life. This though, this went beyond picking. He was absolutely heinously bad to her and he hurt her feelings immensely, for a long time. And the thing is, she has a boy she really likes and this boy is not him. I just feel like, looking ahead 5 years, the girl on this path is the one with the no self respect and completely crappy abusive boys. I know it's an over reaction but am I at all justified in worrying when she decides to like a boy who likes her- even if he's been what I deem incredibly abusive?

These middle school dramas have become the soap opera in which our lives turn. The valley girl/mean girl who is out to get Gen. The friends and their romantic relationships. The girl drama, and gosh there is loads of it...

I have got to get well and have a date with another adult SOON...

One mighty movie...

2011-10-21T03:38:00.000-07:00

Every situation truly does have a story to be told, it is simply a matter of how we tell it that makes it worth seeing. It is in that way that every movie we decide to watch becomes a gamble. Sure, the trailer is good and the premise sounds heartwarming but is it?

Inspired by a true story, the film The Mighty Macs (opening today) tells the story of Cathy Rush (Carla Gugino), an inexperienced wanna-be-basketball coach hired by an all-girls private Catholic college (Immacaulata College) in the early 70's. Given a mish mash team of girls whose hearts were no where near the game, and having no where to practice (or host home games) due to a recent fire in the gymnasium, the looming season looks hopeless. Of course, from one watch of the preview we know that this is another film about another underdog team who- against all possible odds- rises up. I'll admit that, not being a big fan of sports films, when I first saw the preview I felt like I already knew the story.

I will also be the first to admit that I was wrong.

I was wrong because, as much as The Might Macs is as story of one such underdog team, it is honestly a story about so much more. It is a story of love and acceptance, of true friendship and what that means. It is a story of trust, unlikely alliances and believe it or not- marriage. Successfully weaving in and out of each of those themes, this film crafts a moving tribute to life and to women. To a sisterhood that struggled to find it's footing during an oppressive time when women were caught between their duties to be housewives and women's movement towards completely equality and fairness. With an amazing supporting cast such as Ellen Burstyn, David Boreanaz, Marley Shelton, Phyllis Summerville- this movie tells a complete story- and a beautiful one at that...

This film has so much heart hidden in the subtle layers of moments that go on between Cathy and her husband, Cathy and Sister Sunday, Cathy and her team and the teammates themselves. Some of these stories are told through glimpses rather than obvious and dialogued design- but isn't that how real life plays out too? In the moments and the minutes, in our realizations of growth and others. There is a level of proof here which shows that with nurturing- anything that can bloom and do the impossible.

I have criticized another film, somewhat harshly recently. I challenged it's rating and family appropriateness. I challenged it's strong religious dialogue. Please hear me when I say that just because it references God in the trailer- THIS IS NOT THAT TYPE OF MOVIE. On any account. This IS a family movie. Kids old enough to understand the concept of teamwork will grasp this movie. My twelve year old will LOVE this movie. Call me crazily optimistic but I believe my 12 year old's sense of self may even be better because of watching this movie. I also know she'll call it her favorite, and I love that.

I hope that, even if you don't like sports movies (like me!) you will still give this film a chance... It is worth it.

There is a line near the end of the film in which sister Sunday narrates, where she admits to not knowing why the Macs did as well as they did that year. Then she points out the possibility that maybe it was each teammate simply looking around her and seeing strong women who believed in themselves and their team that made the difference.

Isn't that how it should be?

As women, shouldn't we be better women simply by observing the beautiful, brave and strong women around us?

I think so.

Girls, see this movie. And take your guys too because it isn't, at all, a chick flick. Take your families, because the Mighty Macs has a real-life story to tell, and it tells it well.

too early for gifts? this could be yours...

2011-10-20T03:04:00.000-07:00

Holy Moly, can you believe that from today it is sixty-six days until Christmas?
Yes, i thought the same thing- and I am pretty sure that it WAS just July 4th and we've entered some sort of alternate reality time warp...

As anyone who really knows me could tell you, I believe in completely ~~OCD~~ thorough Holiday preparedness. I begin shopping early, and planning so that everything stays as stress free as possible. I have the privilege of seeing (from a distance) my best friend practice her holidays in the exact opposite manner, every year, and it makes me less annoyed at myself. :)

I could tell you though, what day we are cutting down our tree. I could tell you exactly how it will be decorated. I could tell you who I'm making gifts for, who i am buying them for and what foods I will cook vs. buy on all three celebrated winter holidays. I am typically so on top of it that every year I offer to help the a fore mentioned best friend. She never lets me. I think I scare her. Whatever. :)

This year I have partnered with Shutterfly to help three of my readers get ahead on their Holiday cards... (If you aren't familiar with Shutterfly, then I recommend you acquaint yourself. I did my sister's birth announcements last year and they were absolutely lovely!) They have beautiful quality and their selections are truly incomparable. {Also, on a sidenote, their new Custom Path photo books kind of rock my world and I want to make about a trillion of them...}

Anyway, back to Christmas stuff... Chw and I sat down with steaming cups of orange tea and poured over their VAST array of choices so that we could share our favorites with you.
These were our five agreed upon favorites...

Aren't they amazing? There were a lot of other really unique/cool cards but Chw apparently wasn't unique or cool enough to like them... ha...Just kidding, he's pretty freaking cool. We will definitely be choosing one of these five for this year's Christmas card, and it will be awesome... It's the having to choose just one that's a little less awesome.

Enough about us though, what about you? Because, here is the best part- Shutterfly has generously offered to giveaway 25 personalized holiday cards each to THREE of my readers!!!

Giveaway guidelines ...

1} Go here.

2} Choose your FAVORITE design. {IF you win, this DOES NOT have to be the design you go with.}

3} Link back here, in a comment. Simple right? (and fun!) {Make sure I have your email address.}

4} Giveaway will run through midnight of October 27th (one week), with the winners (THREE!!!) being announced on Friday October 28th.

5} Twitter links count for an extra entry. {link the time stamp here}

6} Facebook links count for an extra entry. {link the time stamp here}

7} If we can get the amount of entries over 100, I'll take take the winners to Starbucks- my treat. :)

A charmingly woeful tale...

2011-10-19T04:20:00.000-07:00

This is the very sad story about a girl who returned home toa state, let’s say Idaho, just after one of her favorite bands performed a bigshow there. Hypothetically, for legitimacy sake, we’ll say this band wasDeath Cab for Cutie.

The girl was pretty sad. {She also missed getting to sitdown and chat candidly with Matt Damon, but that’s an entirely different story…}So, sadly the SEE DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE LIVE part of her life’s goals check listremained untouched.

Le’ Sigh…

Life went on, and many other lines became scratched off. Shewas happy about this and uber grateful. Eventually the scars of missing DeathCab by just an inch began to heal and finally they retreated to hide in thatsecret place where the many missed Dave Matthews show scars had gone. {That isa truly terrible series’ of stories that she may or may not talk about one day.}

Moving on- One day Girl got really sick and all of thehealth experts in her village scratched their heads in confusion telling her,time and again, We just don’t know whatcould possibly be wrong with you, Girl! So, she was sad once again. As herstrength grew weaker {er, shrankweaker???}, she missed weddings and parties, weekend trips and all sorts of funadventures. It was in this delirious and debilitated state that Girl learnedthat one of her most favorite bands, of all time- {Death Cab!!!!} was onceagain planning a performance in her village. Hope blossomed within her, like ahydrangea bush and she optimistically looked forward to the day that she wouldsway with thousands of others during SoulMeets Body, and her life would be complete.

Alas, doctor’s bills from Girl’s mystery illness began tostack up. Prescriptions increased in cost and ran dry having no alteringbetterment on her health. Girl realized that it was a frivolous purchase to buytickets to the glorious Death Cab event, and sadly she walked past the ticketbooth and pushed them from her mind.

Messages came, via cellular technology, in a rare abundanceasking Girl if she planned to go to Death Cab. It seemed everyone was going,and forgetting about the show seemed animpossibility. Then, one day, Girl’s friend Kelly won tickets to see Death Cab.Due to life circumstances Kelly could not attend the event and offered her beloved,magical, prized tickets to Girl.

Girl cried with happiness. {HAPPINESS!!!} Girl read SEEDEATH CAB FOR CUTIE LIVE in her goal journal over and over and over again. Likea dream coming true- this reality once again dawned hope.

Her mystery illness, however, had other plans. The daybefore the show she fell ill with a fever and rested as much as possible. Shewas determined not to miss it. The night before the show left her ill andsleepless, but her strong will prevailed. She finally rose and began to busyherself in preparation on what was to be the magical event day. She felt great.As the hours passed however, and the show neared- she grew weaker and her feverraged higher. With the diagnosis (after months of no answers) of pneumonia camethe crippling instructions telling her to rest and nothing else, {Cuecrushing gameshow music}. No night air. No exertion. Repetitively her doctorassured her that Girl had no idea how trulysick she was.

No Death Cab. Girl was sure no one knew how truly sad she was.

Hoping to cuddle up somewhere warm and find the rest whicheluded her- to balm her heartache- Girl was surprised to learn of Boy’s otherplans.

No concert? No DeathCab? I have a great idea then! Why don’t I turn our entire house upside down?Move the lower floor of our humble cottage to the upper floor and switcheverything around! Won’t that be adventurous? Won’t that be fun? !?!?!

Thinking Boy meant someday,she nodded to appease him. While typically adventures of the home interior typewere Girl’s most adored adventures of all- these days finding the bottle ofmilk on a different shelf in the refrigerator seemed extreme enough. Taken quickly by sleep, Girl woke twentyminutes later to boy disassembling nearly everything.

BIG Sigh, Cough, Cough…

As sad stories go, this is far from the saddest- but it’sstill pretty sad all the same. If there were a moral it would probably besomething like don’t hope, don’t dream-but that somehow makes it more horror story than sad tale so instead I’ll makeit this: life is full of adventures- don’t pin your hope on just one becausethat isn’t fair to the fun waiting around the corner…

Oh yeah, and this: Your tv can always be moved back, if itlooks awful, and he’ll have to do it since this was his idea in the first place!

The End…

And what do you do?

2011-10-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

I was up most of the night, due to this crazy virus that won't go away- and decided not to blog this morning. Something about you guys likely not wanting to read about the mucous laced details of my ultra romantic life and such. Instead I nestled down with my orange juice and laptop, to go through my reader, when I read one of my favorite bloggers, Ada over at Of Woods and Words who posted about being a writer and expressing/describing that to others.

Her post, and my own experiences in answering the dreaded questions really got me to thinking about how writers got the short end of the stick. If you work in payroll and someone asks you what you do for a living- it's pretty simple: payroll. If you are a chef, also totally simple. Even my husband's job, which is pretty complicated unless you are already familiar with his industry, is explained happily enough in a few sentences.

I think that is why, back in '08, it was so appealing to throw caution to the wind and start my own photography business. I loved it. i was doing it regularly for others anyway so why not do it professionally? But it did matter. It mattered because when the question came, Do you work? And I would answer that I did, I could say I own a photography business, and everyone was happy.

Well, they were happy anyway. I wasn't happy, so much, because first and foremost I AM a writer and due to booking photo fun, I wasn't writing... I've already said all of that though.

Instead once again the question comes, And Misty, What do you do? And I get to respond with, I'm a writer. And they force a smile, often wiry and self righteous, and say Oh? What do you write?

And the spiraling and tumbling of Alice down the rabbit hole becomes my very existence...

Somehow a suitable answer never comes.

Not one.

I blog. Definitely not the answer they'd be happy with OR the truth really.

Books. Oh? Can I see them at Barnes & Noble?

And on and on it could go. Worst case scenario nearly every time.

It occurred to me that I answer the questions based on society rather than soul. Our American society places at the forefront of everything MONEY. Anyone who is a writer knows that writing and money aren't really synonymous. For a true writer, it has never been about money, though the little bit of money we sometimes get is nice. I know this, and am one hundred percent ok with this until the dreaded questions come. Suddenly I clam up. I wrack my brain trying to sort it all and figure out what writing had paychecks attached, most recently. Well, i recently wrote an article for a publishing house. Before that I did a handful of press reviews. Freelance mostly. Whatever comes along. I'd love to finish my novel and have it published someday but you've got to pay the bills.

Cue {weak, unsure} smile.

And, end scene.

CRAP.

I may as well be a temp worker, unable to commit to an actual job. I instead fly by the seat of my pants and takes whatever comes along on days when I'm willing to get off my butt and work. Oh yeah, and there's the idea of a ludicrous pipe dream too, hiding back there. For years I've thought that was way the world saw us writers but now, today, I am wondering if that's not because it's the way I've painted it?

I mean, isn't that how the majority of us learn to see the world? Through the words woven and splayed out for us, by writers?

It's kind of enough to make your head hurt, isn't it?

I've decided that I'm done playing that game. I am done answering, (or not answering, but verbally spiraling head first down a volcano)

Misty, do you work?

I do, head held high, I am a writer.

Oh. Well, what do you write?

Right now I'm focusing on my novel. I have been doing freelance for years, but the novel is my top priority.

It's true, and it sounds good to me. Then again, I am a writer so it would. The point is- I don't care. I don't care anymore what people think. If the day that magical book deal shows up, ever comes, all of the naysayers and condescenders will change their tune anyway so who cares what they think now? And like Ada, I write on what inspires me. That's why I blog. It may change, with the wind, but I don't have to explain that to anyone.

distract me...

2011-10-15T00:02:00.000-07:00

Being the big Glee fan that I am, I have been waiting months to catch a peek at Ryan Murphy's new show American Horror Story. I have read critic pieces on it, touting it as the anti-Glee and terrifying. Whatever. Though he may not always be the nicest guy, i think he is uber talented and I was excited to see what his new adventure was all about.

Problem was, i decided to do that at 11:30 at night...

It was pretty freaking scary and while I was feeling tired before, now i'm feeling a little like I could stay awake forever. I needed a distraction, of happy sorts. What better distraction than to blog?

Exactly!

Genny didn't have school yesterday or today, due to parent teacher conferences. We had our conference last night and it went really well. Yesterday morning however, hours and hours before said conference was schedule, Gen and I sat down to make our school holiday bucket lists. With the luxury of a four day weekend blankly beautiful and glistening ahead of us- I knew that it was going to take pro-active excitement to get us through it.

Our list had things like baking pumpkin treats and cookies...

It had things like manicures and pedicures...

It had board game playing, library book reading and movie watching...

It had wii game playing and chocolate eating and caramel apple cider drinking...

It had Genny making dinner one night, a special family movie night- complete with special treats...

That girl and I, we planned a fantastic four day weekend and we've knocked a lot of happiness and beautiful moments off of that bucket list.

Of course, I had to get a little work done too. She was, in true Genny form, pretty awesome about that. So awesome, in fact, that while I was out doing a photo gig, she dressed up and decided to take advantage of the moment...

She's pretty lovely, eh?

I think so...

As much as I miss her during the day, now that she's schooling mainstream- and as much as I worry about her and the things that happen at school- I have to admit I've loved this... I've loved the something special that comes along with days together. I've loved hearing how much she appreciates the more structured classes and knowing that it is truly because of me and the way that I educated her. The things I always got so frustrated with, and told her one day she'd love (while she screamed her doubts) are now the strengths she owns. {and she owns them well...}

I have loved the laughing and the smiles and the sweet multitude of minutes that have filled our days.

Sure, she's 12. She's rude sometimes. She's mouthy sometimes. She is totally entitled and self centered most of the time. Then again, she's 12, I can not expect much less. But, she is also open and shares with me about her life. She sings when she does her chores, and every other second... She is happy and she is whole and she is amazing and lovely... {and sometimes amazingly frustrating, but whatever...}

In a nutshell: She's the perfect distraction from the scary show... and to think, she kind of used to be the scary show... I'd say this is definite progress!

Comfort zone...

2011-10-14T01:11:00.000-07:00

I hate to be that person. Honestly, I do.

I know that quite a percentage of my readers do not subscribe to the beliefs of Christianity. Please allow me to take a moment to tell you how grateful I am that you read my words anyway, knowing that I do. In an era when even the word Christian is synonymous with bigotry and so many other negative words and actions- i am incredibly grateful that you stick around.

So, back to my original sentence... i really do hate to be that person... You know, the critical one.

Let me back up.

I saw a really amazing movie recently. It raw, and honest and moving. It deals with real sticky subject matter and I honestly believe that anyone whose life has been touched by cancer would draw something from it. It really left me changed, in a way, and thinking about how that's what movies should be like. I mean, granted, there always going to movies simply for entertainments sake and that's ok. Some of them are awful and some of them are fun to watch. But most of the time, the movies that will stand through time and hold the loyalty of faithful audiences are going to be the ones that truly meant something... The one's we take from. 50/50 is that film.

Also recently, (more recently than 50/50) Chw and I went on a double date to catch a showing of Courageous. I can't begin to tell you how many friends i had who enthusiastically encouraged everyone they knew to see this film. I long ago made the decision to NOT overly criticize "Christian" films because they lack the big budgets and screen start power that mainstream films have. Typically they are rough, poorly acted, blah blah blah. But again, i firmly believe that movies should mean something, so the other stuff doesn't matter.

Courageous... I felt like this film sorely missed the mark (and the point) with why this company began making films to begin with. Somewhere along the way I think the ticket purchases took away some common sense. The storyline in this film was truly beautiful. It convicted my husband, on multiple levels, about what it truly means to be a good husband and father. It challenged his perception of good enough vs. great. We laughed, and a scene even choked us up a little... And then, though it had teetered on crossing an invisible line before- it blatantly jumped off the pier head first towards the end.

A few facts:

- people go to the movies, first and foremost, to be entertained.

- on occasion, SOME people may hope to take some depth with them, as well.

- people who don't already love Jesus DO NOT feel respected paying $10 for a ticket to a sermon. They feel ripped off. IT DOES NOT REACH THEM- it insults them.

- churches buying out theaters so their members can see the film does not make it a "box office success, changing lives and reaching millions." It makes it a staged success...

- save everyone some frustration and money and buy a pre-release DVD to show at your church. You know, where preaching is supposed to happen.

From a Christian perspective, the bottom line should always be to reach others.

At least in America, throwing it in their face doesn't reach people. Instead it convinces them that they were right about us to begin with...

Movies like Soul Surfer, for example, gently tell the story they came to say, and then respectfully roll the credits. They plant seeds and leave the audience to mull over it- or walk away. I appreciate that.

I love Jesus. i do... And yet, this movie was a bit much for me.

And, as i have undoubtedly ticked off a lot of people, I have one more thing to say... A PG rating does not make it a family film. Please treat your kids better than that. Telling your kids you are going on a "family" trip to the movies, and then seeing a movie like Courageous sends the wrong message to your kids. Your kids do not understand what is on the screen before them. How can they, this adult stuff and they are KIDS. They will be bored. You will get upset. It isn't pretty for anyone.

Pretty much that's all i have to say. Like it or hate it, it's ok. I know people who, at the very moment are accusing me of dumbing my beliefs down or denying them. It isn't about that. It is a matter of respecting people.

welcome to the uncool table...

2011-10-12T04:26:00.000-07:00

Does your life ever feel like it subscribes to a certain theme? Like suddenly you read a book that has something particular in it, and suddenly that same thing is playing on your television, and suddenly friends are calling or emailing you with the same topic in mind...

I don't know what i'm saying really, i just sometimes subscribe to the notion that my life umbrellas in under a certain theme, from time to time.

Like now...

Take Gen, for example. She's happily implanted into the trenches of middle school. She loves school, she loves her days and she is (for the most part) doing really well... BUT, (because, you know, there's always a "but") there's this girl. And this girl's friends... And their little lame clique doesn't exactly make life easy for Gen. It's a frustration. A frustration that she's handling really well considering she's only twelve. {and considering her main confidant about the situation is me and I am stupid and have no idea what I am talking about so she knows not to listen to me, because you know- at 12 she knows everything...}

So, on a particularly bad day of this, I had three different people text me and mention they were watching Mean Girls. On DVD no less, not cable. Weird, right?

And then I found out that a friend of mine has been talking about me behind my back. I have a VERY surface friendship with this person even though I suspect she believes we are closer. I am very guarded with her for many, MANY reasons, but I was still surprised and hurt when I found out.

And then there is the fact that I am completely obsessed with Bath and Body Work's new tween hand sanitizers...

AND I am all caught up with who is going to the Jr. High Halloween Dance with who... (because this actually changes daily, which is SO SURPRISING for middle school relationships. *Cough*)

Truly, madly, deeply...

2011-10-10T01:32:00.000-07:00

i kind of had this relationship between my divorce and reconciliation. We had been friends, (albeit new friends) when my marriage fell apart and then, a few months later he professed his love for me.

Via song.

Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden, to be exact.

It's kind of funny because the emotion that song evoked, in me, upon gaining national radio (over played) airtime was more along the gagging, eye roll expressing emotion. When you fast forward a year or so, add a guy to the mix and when he sings that song to me (expressing that it is his favorite song EVER) suddenly it is the most exceptionally beautiful song ever written...

But we, as people are kind of complex like that.

I mean, I love my husband. I LOVE him, and I believe that in loving him- more than anything else- it means I am actively choosing him constantly. And the thing about choosing is that I did choose my husband over the Truly, Madly, Deeply guy. The one person who had been there (aside from Chw and I) to know the hurt and pain that was my every day existence. We grew as close as we did, in the short time frame that we did because my husband sadly left me with nothing but broken shambles of something that hadn't been so great to begin with. He got to know me through my fragmented life, my fragmented heart. Did he love me truly, madly or deeply? Maybe. In his own way. Did I love him? I did. Not in the way I ever loved my husband, or anyone else for that matter. It was something real though.

Something from a long time ago.

And I've never regretting coming home to Chw.

I have never regretting closing that door and telling the TMD guy goodbye... NEVER.

And then, one day I am driving down the road and what song should come on the radio?

Yep.

And rationally I think, it shouldn't matter. It's over. That was a long time ago and I do love my husband in a way that nothing else could even remotely compare to.

Yet, my heart stirs.

Something tugs internally, and tears threaten to stream.

And I thank God that although I love my husband every day, that on this particular one I wasn't harboring any resentment or anger towards him because folks- that moment right there is the stuff that affairs and divorce grow from.

That's the seeds.

No matter how safe or protected we believe we are- the seeds ARE there as sure as our heart and lungs are. They are there, in one form or another, and they wait.

They wait to tug when we are in that frame of mind that might nurture them along. Maybe it's a nostalgic moment, or an old familiar scent in the air. Perhaps it's a compliment from a co-worker or the grazing of hands in the work place.

I know this is a little deep, but it's worth saying (and hearing) and repeating. Marriages, at their rock solid strongest, are more fragile than anything else we have. And our spouses, even at their most selfish and annoying are still the ones we chose- just like even at our most disgusting and bitchy- we're theirs...

Now, to lighten to mood here is a sampling of the most cliche', nauseating and infinitely beautiful song ever recorded... (although, not any less cliche' my personal favorite would be Annie's song by John Denver)

Confession: Single Lady...

2011-10-09T03:25:00.000-07:00

So, my husband moved over the weekend.

I know, i know. To many of you a resounding quake of shock and awe is rolling beneath your planted ~~butts~~ feet.

The thing is, though I have done my fair share of whining and complaining over the past six weeks, on this blog, I was embarrassed to tell you how bad things had gotten.

It was ugly, you guys, and at the end of the day I have felt only guilt and responsibility for the situation with Chw...

You see, as you may remember, I was sick.

REALLY sick.

And i couldn't sleep much, or in connected spurts at all. It was pretty miserable and while he was willing to tolerate a few nights of his disturbed beauty sleep, he had to admit pretty quickly that a grumpy bear of a father/husband and a completely checked-out ill mom/wife are a bad combination.

So, he left me...

For the couch.

And he's been there ever since.

And it was sad, and yet not sad all at the same time.

But over the weekend, though I still struggle sleeping and breathing and coughing and actually staying asleep- he deemed me well enough for him to move home to our bed.

These are good days ahead folks...

I love my well rested man... (now let's just hope nothing is lingering and he doesn't catch the plague I now call September...)

The ordinary...

2011-10-07T06:41:00.000-07:00

It is in the exchange of simple, kisses in passing or grazing fingertips through doorways.

Stretched out foot, in bed, reaching for his. Reassuringly it reaches back, touching.

Cheek peck kisses, zipped up jacket and lunchbox in tow.

Ordinary.

I love my ordinary. My loud morning following by dirty breakfast dishes and silence.

It is in those dishes that I know my home has family in it. Love in it. Warmth.

In the morning's oatmeal, more than fiber and belly warming happened.

Ordinary.

Cozy towels still evident with lingering dryer heat.

Soft socks.

DVD rentals and take out. To droves of hipsters and cynics this life is known as the boring life, the over life- The end.

To me it is simply the ordinary. The goodness. The toothbrush, complete with toothpaste waiting for me because he brushed his teeth first. The coffee pot, full with steamy goodness waiting because one of us turned it on.

The ordinary. My ordinary...

{For more Five Minute Friday, please go to the Gypsy Mama.}

the back up plan...

2011-10-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

Recently my husband was asked to sit in a meeting where he walked away with some very grim insight into the future of his current job. That being said, I realize most men are hardwired to worry about things like job security and to obsess over things like work. It took me awhile to get this, but now I do. Over the years, upon coming to this place I have learned to be a bit more aware of Chw's sensitivity to this, therefore encouraging him.

So, when he fumbled through our evening acting a little funny, I simply waited. At eleven when he sat me down and said we needed to talk, I sat down to listen.

He's worried.

He's worried to the point of coming up with crazy suggestions like selling all of our worldly possessions and moving to New Mexico. Or joining the circus...

From what I gather, he (along with other managers) has been given the task of finding ways to cut extreme costs or they are looking at time served in the unemployment line.

"We need a back up plan." He flatly stated.

A back up plan.

For, you know, if our lives (as we know them) fall apart.

This really got me thinking...

Unfortunately my daily fantasy of living pool side in Phoenix, with my spanish tiled roof and rock front yard (just minutes from BOTH IKEA and Trader Joe's) doesn't really fit into the idea of an emergency back up plan. So, pretty much I had nothing to offer him. (suffice it to say I am NOT really a huge fan of the NM part of this plan. The circus thing I could work with because the circus has elephants, and giraffes. But also clowns, so it's still a scary option, but doable.) So, instead I took the other side of the spectrum. Why did i have to wrack my brain over a back up plan, if I was able to single handedly revolutionize things at his company, therefore saving them loads of cash.

Genius right?

Brainstorming, at nearly midnight, here's what i came up with...

{and personally, if you ask me, it's an awesome first draft!}

First off, the company spends roughly $30,000 per month in electricity. I immediately suggested applying for a grant that would cover a huge chunk of transitioning to partial solar energy. Then i chided myself, pointing out that wasn't extreme enough. We are talking CPR extreme changes needed, SO I suggested: why not have their employees work in the dark? They can wear the little miner head lamps so they can work more efficiently, of course...
Second, periodically there will be safety luncheons, or training lunches that are catered. As far as i am concerned this is a HUGE waste of money. I remember many a school day field trips where my mom was asked to provide a few dollars to cover my sack lunch consisting of a PB & J, an apple and a string cheese. There is no reason that these luncheons can't function the same. Let's face it, if these grown men feel like they would need more food- they can bring it themselves. Or what about a safety potluck? SEE! The possibilities are endless!
Third, I feel that on occasion some of the employees can behave a tad on the need-to-be-babysat-6 year old scale of things. Being one who actually grew up and became an adult roughly twenty some years ago, I feel this is a little sad. I suggested letting a person from each shift go and hiring a drill sergeant to take their place. My prediction was that within 90 days things would be running far smoother than they ever have before, and with A LOT less screw ups.
Lastly, was my extreme motivator. Earlier this week one of my husband's employees was injured. Suffice it to say a VERY large metal drill (think radius of a tire) came fiercely into contact with his head. Not pretty... The good news though is, after an ambulence ride to the hospital, a ton of lost blood and a few days of R & R, he is doing awesome and itching to come back to work. I say, let's slap a label on this thing (thus birthing the Head Gong) and throw it into the mix.

It would work like this:

Employee A gets in trouble for constantly ruining parts due to his inability to stop day dreaming about ALSO living poolside in Phoenix. HEAD GONG.
Employee B clocks in late 40 days in a row, actually rolling his eyes at my husband's pleas for him to be on time and care about his job. HEAD GONG.

I mean we've already proven it to be safe and obviously highly effective... (read: itching to come back to work.)

Suffice it to say, my husband wasn't really on board with any of my suggestions. He's such a party pooper.

My new back up plan suggestion: Worst case scenario, i can be hired out by companies to revolutionize the way they do things, streamline their methods and save them money. I think it's obviously a real hidden skill I have.

Not one, but two...

2011-10-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

For argument's sake let's just say, hypothetically, that my wedding anniversary is in a few weeks.

Ok. Technically speaking, my wedding anniversary is in a few weeks.

When we decided to reconcile our divorce, in 2001, we may have briefly considered remarrying on our original date (April 2) but truth be told, I don't think we really thought much about such things. And then, six months after our remarriage, when April the second rolled around, I pointed out that it was our anniversary and well...

We began to disagree.

My loving and adoring husband wanted the past to remain in the past. Fresh start and all that. While I agreed to a certain degree, I also knew that those first five years of marriage were just as crucial to who we were individually and together as anything else could be.

Welcome to the impass. Complicatingly we settled neatly into the rut of ignoring our anniversary completely. "you know, it is so inconvenient that November 10th is just before the holidays. Why don't we just do something special on April 2nd?"

But then...

"wow, April the 2nd is just a few days after my (Misty) birthday and a few weeks before yours, (Chw) which seems complicated. Let's wait and do something really special November 10th."

Something truly tragic was born. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying one date needs a first class trip to Paris, but some form of acknowledgement/honor is pretty vital to the life of a marriage. Invest in each other...

At some point, we grew up. By grew up I mean we took this awesome class which led to us having a reclaiming ceremony for our original anniversary and now we celebrate both. (the entire solution was obvious all along, I don't know why we weren't really getting the clue!)

The one thing we have never (ever) done however is Anniversary gifts. Never. Not the first marriage round and not this one. Wait, I take that back. When Gen and I moved to Idaho and Chw stayed behind in Michigan until he found a job here, he did send me a beautiful T & Co. necklace and roses for our November anniversary. Truth be told though, i think that was more or less one of those absence makes the heart grow fonder sort of deals. At any rate, we've decided to shake things up a bit. In a few weeks the pressure is on and we are exchanging gifts. It's our remarried 10 year date. Seems like a good time to shake up tradition a little bit. I totally know what I am giving him (and I benefit too) but every day when he asks me for hints I can think of nothing.

Any ideas?

At least there's that...

2011-10-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

As you have likely heard me whine about how sick I've been, since August, i thought about doing a numbers post today. You know, how many boxes of tissues I've gone through- how many dollars my medical visits/hospital trips add up to, etc... Funny? Possibly.

But I just don't feel funny this morning.

First thing, this morning, on FB I was reminded that my friend's mom is going in for a mastectomy this afternoon. Even though I went to bed knowing all of the same things that I woke up knowing, it occurred to me that life has been really heavy lately.

No, not tissue consumption, dragging illness heavy- but much bigger.

In the past few weeks alone I know of several people who unexpectedly died.

I know of three (THREE) teenagers who were killed in car accidents.

Two friends suffered miscarriages.

My friend's little sister suffered a stroke due to AVM and has been downgraded (Praise God!) from critical condition to serious, though at first she wasn't expected to make it at all.

So many heavy things...

Sure, maybe i was really miserable with my viral infection but really it pales significantly in comparison.

i have been reminded, a lot lately, of the lack of guarantees in our days. Though I dream (and pray for) of growing old with my husband- there is no promise that I will. As countless people around me have lost, or are facing the real possibility of losing loved ones i feel slapped in the face by my own possibilities...

While we suffered many miscarriages and my mom's stroke (from a distance) we have been really fortunate to not go through anything like the loss of a child/spouse.

i know this is kinda heavy, and I'm sorry. Especially since my last post was a whine about Gen's behavior. I guess I just need to reiterate for myself, as well as anyone else who might need reminding, that the two things are always certain:

the sun will always rise, (a fresh start/peace will come.)

the sun will always set, ( the hard days will come to a close.)

Maybe not forever, but even so...

2011-09-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

I decided to take part in Five Minute Friday this morning. The theme is on Friends.

START.

Every summer camp camp fire ended in the same sweet and lulling song, Friends are friends forever...

But they aren't.

Despite the pledges and lifelong plans made at the age of sixteen.

Despite the thousands of notes signed BFF.

Despite the shared heart necklaces.

And it's a little sad.

It is sad, to me, that something as natural as friendship- something we NEED even- has to be so hard. And as we get older, things don't seem to get any easier.

Few of us have good, true friends. Those of us who do could literally count those friends on one hand.

I am fortunate enough to be one of those people. Someone with a handful of good friends. Ironically they aren't really friends with each other. We don't travel together, in a pack. There are no weekend retreats, the lot of us. We, the handful of us, are spread out across the country.

Sometimes I want to feel sorry for myself about this.

Sometimes I actually do.

But the truth is, I am so lucky to have them.

My life is better and far more meaningful. My sadnesses are far less dark and ugly.

And I suspect that i too am better because of them.

Friends may not be friends forever. Some friendships may time out or expire but it's the having the true, authentic love of a good friend at all that matters anyhow.

END.

if it isn't one thing...

2011-09-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

Ugh!

Seriously... I just want to scream.

I know, I know... I come back from this month long blog challenge and my first post is this. I know. I'm sorry. I just, I have no idea what to do.

When the idea of homeschooling literally fell into my lap, it was two fold in reasons. 1.} Genny seemed to absorb more from the worst influences possible and execute her newfound abilities onto anyone in her way. things got ugly. 2.} The public school system here was admittedly lacking and it was not a good fit for her. We were already on the waiting list for her current school and so homeschooling until they called seemed like a good answer.

It just so happened that would be almost four years. And eventually, despite my reluctance, we came to such an amazing place homeschooling wise. Through lots of bumps and bruises we found a rhythm that worked for us- and we ALL thrived. But, like most homeschool moms, as Genny approached middle school I began to question if I could do it. Was I enough? And then, magically, her name was drawn from the waiting list and the problems were solved.

Except they aren't...

School, day one found Genny worried about whether or not kids would like her. I know it's dumb, but lots of 12 year olds wear make-up (I'm not for that, personally) and I compromised that it might help her feel better about herself SO we allowed colored lip gloss and eye shadow. She was abundantly grateful.

In a months time she has had detention, been caught in hundreds of lies (both at school and home), has been in multiple fights, has been responsible for the injury of a child, has gotten multiple F's due to refusing to do an assignment... She has decided that shit is an appropriate word to be integrated into her vocabulary and that f*ck should be considered as well. She has gotten a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend, gotten another boyfriend and come home to tell us of a 13 year old student who is pregnant. Today we find out she is wearing thick make up at school and washing it off before she's picked up.

Maybe it's just that it's like going from 0-60 in a micro second, but I just fear the path ahead. If she were 15 I'd feel like some of this is age appropriate, but she isn't. She is 12. An emotionally immature 12, at that. When we talked to her tonight she made it clear that she will do what she wants, when she wants, and we can't do anything about it.

I am so at a loss.

It all comes down to trust. Whenever she isn't supervised she will do whatever the other kids are doing. {did I mention the girl who is pregnant?} She lacks good judgement. She wants to impress the other kids.

I have no idea where to go from here- what to do.

I seem to have misplace my parenting manual...

Help?!?!?!?

Full circle...

2011-09-29T01:21:00.000-07:00

We used to share everything.

Every joyful moment, every fear.

I am sad that it isn't always like that. I am sad that it can't be...

But...

I can't tell you things, like I used to.

I can not allow myself to open up and reveal to you because you are pretty much not there to listen. At the same token, I feel less and less available to you, too.

More and more i hear the same contrived apologies and excuses.

More and more i hear empty promises about moving on from here.

but really, more and more only the same old thing occurs.

I never imagined that it would be like this, between us.

i never thought our circle would come to a close and stop, I always imagined us journeying together forever.

and in ways, I am sure we will.

Our lives are interwoven.

But for quite awhile now you are all about you, and that is something that simply hasn't gotten any easier to face. I don't exist beyond your needs.

And when I really, truly need you- you vanish.

Over the past few months I have really, truly needed you and you have been absent.

To tell the truth, I am beyond hurt.

We've had this talk before.

I won't say it all again.

I am sad.

The constant rejection though, it isn't really worth it. I'd rather just not have you, than have the empty promise of you.

I wish we could rewind and go back to when I could tell you everything, but let's face it- you wouldn't even hear me tell you this...

"bad" books, and why we need them...

2011-09-28T01:21:00.000-07:00

Dear V.C. Andrews/Andrew Neiderman,

Oh... But once a girl, was I, who cringed at the idea of reading a book for fun. Then, one day, a well intentioned adult decided to share one of your novels with me.

I was ten...

While, at thirty five, I still fancy myself an occasional "easy read" of one of your stories- I am sure most would agree that ten was a bit young.

That being said, I am glad she shared them...

Reflectively I have to admit that this very deed, of opening my eyes to the world of such books may have been the key thing that saved my life. Before V.C. Andrews books, (most of which is ghost written by Andrew Neiderman) it had never occurred to me that step fathers should not have sex, french kiss, or other similar things with their step children. This was my life, it was simply something that happened. I hated it, it terrified me, but what could I do about it? As far as I knew, every family's closed doors hid this truth. I had no idea that adults could be complicated, and their odd actions could come off as jealous or abusive because they were simply hurting humans who had no idea how to deal. Before I dove into the your fictional world, I had no idea that there was anything good inside of me or that I could simply change my life and/or circumstances and yield completely different and safe results...

During the time, in my life, when these dawnings and realizations were rising in me- Heaven Casteel was my best friend. I lost myself in a series of books in such a way that I finally understood the possibility of seeing books as an escape. They were my escape.

My lifeline...

In more ways than one, your books changed my life. (another way being that i now adore books and love to read.) Once, many years ago, I was asked "why does such trash have to be written?"

I did take it a little personal...

When people stop making stupid decisions, like abusing or molesting their children- and when parents stop projecting their bitterness and disappointment on their growing children, therefore stunting them- maybe the world can settle down and read books about sunshine, sugar and poetry. In the meantime, i wish that people would stop insulting the possibility that someone might need a tragically twisted story about a young girl.

God knows that I did...

It happened in Vegas...

2011-09-27T01:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Airport girl,

What has it been, nineteen years, almost? Wow, time really passes. There you were, all sophisticated in your ripe old age of nineteen- and there I was, in my completely naive sixteen years of life. We met in Vegas, I believe. It seems like we had already been there for close to a day though.

That stupid snow storm kept us grounded forever.

Not to mention the incredibly affordable airline, which really only sucked incredibly...

I don't think that I thank you, then, for hanging out with me for those three days stranded between Vegas and Salt Lake. As two total strangers, from completely different lives, we had some really great talks and a lot of laughs. It was sort of like one long, unpredictable sleepover.

Come to think of it, it would have made a great John Hughes film...

Anyway, this letter was supposed to be to someone I only knew for one day, and technically speaking I guess I knew you for two or three, but it doesn't matter. Nearly two decades later I still think about it, even though most of the details of disappeared, and think of it (and you) fondly.

Thanks for the mini-friendship, your kindness, and for the adventure...

pinky swear...

2011-09-26T01:18:00.000-07:00

Dear husband,

thanks for supporting me.

thanks for being married to me, even though I'm a writer. I know it sucks to have a wife who "works" so hard, with the goal of SOMEDAY contributing more than pennies to our income. You are patient and you balance our lives as though your wife works full time- without much benefit.

You believe in me.

I love you...

I meant my pinky promise...

Things won't always look like this, and when they look better than this- we'll look back and see how worth it was.

I love you, and i love now. i don't want to miss this part of the journey either...

At a loss...

2011-09-25T01:18:00.000-07:00

My dear friend,

You are so beautiful and gracefilled...

This pain, this loss that you are going through brakes my heart. I know this loss and I know how it has a way of staying with us, always. We heal some, it's true- but this wound scars and we never forget.

That ache does not really go away.

I love you and i HATE that you have to walk this path.

a favorite memory...

2011-09-24T01:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Thompson,

I know some may view it as a little sad that one of my all time favorite movies involves a celebrity whom I don't really know, and not one single friend or family member. I feel like I should apologize for that, but not really... I have millions of frozen moments with them, but this moment (hour) with you is completely set apart.

First and foremost, please allow me to say that I think you are amazing.

When I met you, back in January of 2006, I was still still fairly moon eyed over the whole celebrity interview thing. It had been a horrible trip out to LA though, and I was emotionally exhausted and at a loss in pretty much every area. I had sat down to interview Colin first and all composure, no matter how hard I'd tried to maintain it, had flown right out the window when he walked in the room. I mean, and please excuse the side note for a moment but what girl wouldn't grow a little faint and speechless when Colin Firth walks in to a room to talk to you, and it occurs to you that you are actually sitting in the Regent Beverly Wiltshire- ala' Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. (though of course you are not a prostitute!) First you are sipping coffee, ranting about LAX security and how the Beverly Hills police department deals with things, when suddenly he walks in- tremendously taller that expected and clad in tremendously expensive jeans, a leather jacket that smelled of heaven... I mean, it was all a tad on the surreal and overwhelming side, you have to admit. Well maybe you wouldn't, which reminds me- how do you do it?

Anyway, moving back towards the point of this letter: you...

By the time you sauntered in to the interview, I was done for. Tired, stressed, and greatly thrown off my game. Truthfully, I was ready to simply call a cab and go nurse my impending migraine in a stiff chair at the airport, waiting for my flight.

And you, Emma, were exactly what I needed. Over the years I've met several people of celebrity status and I have never met anyone like you. You are easily one of the most comfortable people, celebrity or not, that I've been around. Twenty minutes into our interview, (where you chose to sit on the floor, mind you) I felt like I had known you forever. The passion for your work, combined with the way you spoke of motherhood and your family inspired me in countless ways that I can not even put into words... Thank you for that. Thank you for taking a moment that was the polar opposite of great and comfortable- and making it my absolute favorite memory...

I hope, someday, to get the opportunity again. If not, though, I am happy to have had the beautiful brunch and talk that we did...

Goodnight...

2011-09-23T01:16:00.000-07:00

Chw,

There is something so healing about kissing you good night. No matter what the day proceeding the kiss has held, everything- in that moment- is as is it should be.

Thank you for that. For being part compass, part anchor and yet flexibly loving me in the way in which you're willing to raise port and sail in whichever direction the wind dreams to take us.

I love you...

Here's your extra chance, and a garbage bin...

2011-09-22T01:15:00.000-07:00

I try and try, offering you undeserved faith and second chances.

third chances...

fourth chances...

ten million chances...

why it matters to me, I don't know. some form of self torture perhaps.

i say, repetitively, I'm done- yet i am not and we both know it...

to the moon and the stars...

2011-09-21T01:14:00.000-07:00

Dearest Genny,

My first impression of you is tiny red nose and palms flat against glass. Your nutmeg hair in pig tales, your big saucer blue eyes full of emotions I didn't even have the courage to name...

Your first words to me asked if I was your new mommy... I loved you. I wanted to hold you and reassure you. I wanted to not touch you and prove I would not push you into loving me. I wanted to take you home and keep you safe from the world which had hurt you...
I wanted to turn around and leave.
You scared me...
You were so small and full of life. Just below your surface there was an entitled rage that only confronted my internal knowledge that I was not the woman for this job. I knew I did not have what it would take, to be your new mommy.
You only mommy.
Forever.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't not do it.

Later, as you played on the indoor playground, and you giggled- you challenged me. There, in your wildflower eyes you dared me to stick around. You dared me to love you, no matter what.
You broke my heart, right then and there.
A four year old baby should never know those sorts of sadnesses...

Even later yet, while putting your few clothes into your new dresser, you followed behind me re-packing your things. When I asked why you would do that you said "it's too hard to pack when this family is over and I have to move." When the clothes managed to stay in the dresser and your ugly suitcase was moved to storage, you cried. True, fat, salty tears tainted every ache that had lingered in your girlhood eyes, unspoken.
Only hours had passed, since we had met you and yet I felt as though lifetimes had mounted upon my shoulders and nestled in.
I knew that, whether I was up to it or not I had to be your mommy.
My heart begged, in a stabbingly violent and secure way to be your mommy.
For the first time ever, I held you in my arms. Your chubby hands were hitting, and reaching with all your arms could give, behind me- PLEASE, PLEASE," your tiny voice wailed, throat already swollen and ragging from crying, "I need my suitcase, please let me have my suitcase. PLEASE, i have to have it for when I get a new mommy and daddy."

Do you remember what I told you, as you glared up at me?
Sweet, beautiful girl, five years from now you will look back and remember this moment and you will know that I told you the truth when I say we are the last mommy and daddy you will ever have. No more families. This is yours, and you belong here, forever.

Today is eight years, exactly, since my promise. Sure, I have been frustrated- but I've never wished that wasn't true.

I love you, baby girl. Happy family anniversary! I love you to the moon and stars and then a whole lot further...

to you, who broke my heart...

2011-09-20T01:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Uterus,

You sucked. Seriously...

You were given how many jobs? Menstrual cycle, babies... Isn't that kind of it?

I mean, i completely get messing up sometimes. What's a missed period here, or some extra troublesome cramps there? I totally could have worked with that... None of us are perfect...

But what you did to me, for no reason, goes beyond the bounds of uterine decency.

Were you special needs? Were you born sociopathic? I just don't get what I ever did to deserve your incessant bullying. I did the math once and in the 11 years where our job was to work together- you failed me 132 times. That is ONE HUNDRED and THIRTY TWO TIMES... So, in a nutshell: EVERY FREAKING MONTH. And you couldn't regularly screw up either.

No.

I mean, what did you do? Were you Sybil of the organ world? Multiple personalities galore? One month you would become "skip a cycle, but here have hellishly bed-riddening cramps", and then three months later be "here's your period!" (ala's JN from The Shining)

And while we're on the subject- about those "periods"... yeah. You knew you weren't God, right? Sending down a rush of blood in the way Noah dealt with rain was a little unrealistic.

I could have forgiven you for the completely uncalulatable, a bazillin-knives-in-the-gut cramped out, and completely embarrassing trail-of-blood memories but it was the next part that you took to far.

One miscarriage, as heartbroken as I felt, would have been bearable. Even the doctors assured me that was normal. But why the second, with the perfect baby-boy ultra sound and the joyful husband met by crushing blows of suffocation and heartache? Why the third, fourth or fifth/sixth for that matter? Why take me (us, really) through all of that only to accept our fertility drugs and feign three months of pregnancy only to psych us with what was actually a nerf football sized tumor...

Enough was never enough with you. You took and took, literally... Blood, babies, life, tears and then you tried to go for the kill and take my heart too.

Your last deal- pre-cancerous cells...

With your poker face you dared me to make a move.

I saw your puny cancer threat and raised you a hysterectomy, bitch...

Take that...

Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad

2011-09-19T01:13:00.000-07:00

While some people are pretty lucky to have an inner devil/inner angel to tease their conscience about every day decisions like what to say, what not to say, etc. I've known since you hit the late night talk show interview circuit and started appearing in films that I was more lucky though- because i had my very own Adam Brody living in my head.

No, I am not crazy.

Just sarcastic.

And funny.

And love great indie music, but I digress...

I was late to learn of Seth Cohen, your other self who might just be more like you than not...

And it confirmed it.

You live in my head. You weigh in, sarcastically, on every thought or decision...

Thanks for that, because to tell you the truth- you make life pretty freaking awesome.

And hilarious...

To the girl i wish i could be...

2011-09-18T01:12:00.000-07:00

to the girl who never lets fear get in her way.

to the girl who bows down to nothing, never folding on her integrity or confidence- this letter is to you. To the callused finger tips, so fluent in cello that sometimes words feel like a foreign language on your tongue. To the book deal where money truly is irrelevant because this dream was never about the dollar sign as much as it was about the love and the passion, the drive to write words that could touch people.

to the words written that will touch people...

to the never burning dinner, patient and loving wife who incidentally also ribbons in as mom-of-the-year- this letter is yours.

You knit your own glorious caps and sweaters, you roam about town in designer boots and jeans. Your handbags scream stylish bits about your personality. Every friend you know is a tried and true one.

You never argue with your husband.

You never yell at your kids.

You pay your bills on time.

You have a house keeper.

You love people, every day. Your love, of people and for God, seeps from every project you take on.

You live wrinkle and grey hair free, in my dreams.

You are a much smaller, happier size with perkier places with an even tempered peace and reassurance about you.

When you smile, there is no nagging "but..." behind those eyes. Authentic, genuine happiness is your way.

You are the standard I wake up to, every morning... the screamer of the short comings I add up to, ever night.

You aren't real, which makes the daily quest an impossibility...

But oh, I wish I were you...

Someone from your childhood...

2011-09-17T01:11:00.000-07:00

This letter is for a J name that I can actually stand behind, because J, you know how much I love...

In fact, I don't even know what to say to you, there is just so much.

You, you are excitement...

You are adventure... Glamour and glitter, fashion and fame.

You, my dear, are truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Thanks for being the rockin'est element of my youthful years...

Joy...

2011-09-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

I am taking part in this weeks Five Minute friday, even though I wasn't planning on it due to the letters. Reading Gypsy Mama's post this morning really tugged at my heart strings...

So here goes...

Start.

The giggle of a toe headed, ringlet crowned girl reminds me of something I often ignore. It isn't ever that i forget because I am way too smart for that.

No, i grab hold of a reason to feel another thing- be it resentment or sadness, self pity or exhaustion, and I simply pretend like joy isn't mine to have.

Joy.

Joy during the dark storm clouds. During the fat droplets of umbrella-less rain.

Joy when sleep stubbornly refuses to come my way.

Joy when my pot boils over, because is it not a blessing to have the bubbling water, source of cooking and pasta anyhow?

It's so easy to think of. Easy to convict myself of all of the reasons to find joy in every second of every moment, in every moment of every day. Easy.

And yet.

Yet, i flee from it for something more comfortable- something ugly.

Something I believe to be more me.

Seeing truth in this joylessness, seeing the honesty in my reason might not be enough to remember to grasp for the option less chosen. But it also might be the motivation I need.

Today. Now. At 8:20 in the morning I've embraced joy and I'm not letting go...

End.

i blame germany...

2011-09-16T01:10:00.000-07:00

I miss you.

A lot.

I miss the way you laugh, and the talks we have. I miss the life that you bring home, just when you walk through the door.

I miss that good, secure, mom feeling when the door is locked and night and I know that you are there, under our roof, sleeping.

I miss you being big-brother-mean to Genny.

I miss goodnight hugs. See you later hugs.

I miss movie chats, and watching them.

Chw misses you too. Projects and dreaming of projects...

I miss that too...

I miss how happy we all are when you are here, because we feel more whole. Complete.

The basketball hoop misses you.

It gets, pretty much ignored, when you aren't here.

Against our knowledge a rather large family of wasps moved into it, over the summer. I suspect they are illegals. I am allergic, you know. The last time I was stung, i was hospitalized. It was ugly. I was stung by a German hornet. Now suddenly we have a family of illegals living in our hoop. Germans? Maybe... Anything is possible.

Germany, and eventually somewhere much uglier, hotter and more dangerous, is way too far away. I know it's not your fault, and I know you'd come home today if you could. I also feel it's only fair to warn you that I'm not kidding at all when I say that once you come home- you won't leave. i won't let you. i know I've said it before, but this experience has taught me that drastic measures are needed...

At any rate, if I ever get all emotional on skype and try telling you about the wasps and how much they make me think of you- now you'll know what I mean.

They only serve to remind me of this blindingly horrible thing that i couldn't forget even if I wanted to...

I miss you.

A lot.